People love reading rankings. People love to debate shit these days and that’s why columns that include rankings are usually big hits.

People also love fast food. Everywhere you go in America, there are fast food restaurants staring at you and begging for you to come in and give them their cash.

That’s why it’s time to rank the top 20 fast food restaurants here at the NEW USB. I promised you guys some new fun columns that have nothing to do with sports and this is one of them.

First, a few rules.

1. I’m ranking the top 20 largest fast food restaurants out there. That’s why you won’t see places like In-N-Out Burger, Burgerville, etc. on this list. 

2. I’m only ranking places I’ve eaten at. I can’t rank “Tim Horton’s” if I’ve never been there. 

3. This is my personal opinion. I’m sure you have one to and I’m sure it’s neat, but I don’t care for it. You obviously cared about my opinion enough to click on this though. Write your own list and I’ll read it.




20. I.H.O.P.

IHOP? More like “I dont’ stop” for me. First of all, I prefer places that have drive-thru’s because I don’t usually like eating at establishments. I prefer my house and my television when I’m eating a good meal for various reasons. There has been a few times where I’ve gotten IHOP to go and brought it home in the morning and it was just awful. The pancakes are garbage which is sad when your name is fucking THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES. I can whip up better pancakes on my grill in just five-ten minutes and save myself $25. You suck IHOP.


19. Domino’s Pizza

I feel like I should mention that I’m usually not a big fan of major franchise pizza chains. Everyone likes their pizza different and I usually prefer a small mom & pop shop or anywhere that makes a good thin crust pizza. Nothing against Domino’s, but I just haven’t had it since my high school days and I don’t recall it being very good back then. That’s a shame too because back in my high school days, I thought gas station food was pretty good.


18. Papa John’s

Remember what I just said about major pizza chains? Yeah, go ahead and repeat that here. The only reason Papa John’s gets the edge over Domino’s is because at least I can hide the bad taste of their food with that delicious garlic sauce.


17. Pizza Hut

Remember what I just said about Domino’s and Papa John’s? Yeah, go ahead and repeat that here. The only reason Pizza Hut gets the nod over the other two is because they were the first ones to come up with the god damn STUFFED CRUST PIZZA. The guy who came up with the idea of putting more toppings inside the crust belongs right up there with the guys who invented the airplane when talking about the greatest inventions of all-time.


16. Sonic

Sonic doesn’t have the greatest food in the world. You know what they do have though? A fantastic drink selection that really hits the spot on a warm summer day. They also offer tons of good deals on their milk shakes and some of their commercials can be humorous from time-to-time. That’s always an added bonus.


15. Kentucky Fried Chicken

When I was a teenager, I loved KFC. I remember going there and getting some delicious BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and whatever else tickled my fantasy. These days though? They’ve changed. The KFC locations around here no longer offer the BBQ chicken that I loved (BOOOOOOOOOOO), the mashed potatoes taste like artificial mashed potatoes now that I have developed adult taste buds, and cole slaw is still disgusting so KFC gets points knocked off for even offering that shit to people. There are a few things that KFC has going for it though. The chicken coating is still fucking delicious and it’s even better dipped in that heart-warming gravy. Throw in some jo-jo’s and you got yourself a hell of a stoner meal.


14. Dairy Queen

Dairy Queen doesn’t have the best food. In fact, they arguably have the worst food on this list. You know what they do have though? SOME OF THE BEST ICE CREAM EVER! The ice cream at Dairy Queen is so good, I’ll drive a half hour to go get a Peanut Buster Parfait, a Blizzard of some sorts, or even just a regular good ol’ fashioned soft serve ice cream cone. DQ also gets bonus points for having locations in the most random spots throughout the state of Oregon.


13. Subway

I’m not the biggest subway sandwich fan. Sure, I like one every now and again, but I just hate eating sandwiches on a consistent basis. When it comes time to get a sub sandwich, there are a million better places to go than Subway in my opinion. The meat isn’t the greatest and I tried one of their “pizzas” a few years back and it was nowhere near what a pizza should be and it tasted like hot garbage. Subway does get huge bonus points for smelling ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS whenever you walk in (or even walk by). The smell of bread baking is enough to almost pull me in every time.


12. Papa Murphy’s

Papa Murphy’s is pretty good pizza. The ingredients are actually pretty good and the pizza turns from good to great when you throw it on a Traeger grill. Trust me when I say, it’s life-changing. Once you’ve had a Papa Murphy’s pizza on a Traeger, it’s almost impossible to go back to eating one out of the oven. You’re welcome for that tip.


11. Jack In The Box

If Jack In The Box had better burgers, they would have a better rating. Unfortunately for them, their burgers suck. The good things that JITB has going for it though is the menu variety, chicken sandwiches, and THOSE FUCKING TACOS MAN. Jack In The Box tacos are the grossest most delicious things that your taste buds will ever encounter. Just don’t stare at them for too long. They will take your soul.


10. Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A just recently came back to Oregon so I’ve only had it once or twice. I haven’t tried it enough to move it far up my rankings, but give me a few years. They have probably the best chicken sandwiches in fast food, so people aren’t lying when they make that claim.


9. Carl’s Jr.

Carl’s Jr has some damn good hamburgers. Some of the best on this list in my opinion. That Western Bacon Cheeseburger is what dreams are made of my friends. Carl’s Jr. gets a boost up the list when they have a Green Burrito attached to them. Green Burrito makes the BEST tacos in fast food. I can order like 15 of those things and go into a taco coma. CJ’s needs to improve their french fry game though. Those things are not worthy of my taste buds.


8. Burger King

The Whopper man. The Whopper is a damn fine hamburger. I don’t care about anything else at Burger King except the Whopper and the Chicken Fries. The french fries suck balls, but the good news is you can drown them in fry sauce and improve them a little bit. Not much, but a little bit.


7. Taco Bell

Yes, you’ve had Taco Bell and the food is just decent…..

…..but have you ever had Taco Bell at 1:30 AM drunk off your stupid ass?

Game changer.


6. Five Guys

The burgers at Five Guys live up to the hype. When people talk about the best burgers in fast food, Five Guys always get mentioned and for good reason. They’re damn good. They aren’t my personal favorite burgers, but you can’t go wrong with a Five Guys burger in my book. They also stuff your bag full of cajun fries which aren’t the best fries in the world, but they give you so much that it makes up for it.


5. Arby’s

Best cheese sticks in the world. And I’m a guy who loves his cheese sticks. Plus, you can order a roast beef sandwich and drown it in Arby’s sauce which is what I imagine heaven is like.


4. Panda Express

I love chinese food. Panda Express isn’t the greatest chinese food, but it’s good chinese food for fast food. Back in the day we used to have to travel to the food court at the mall just to get that orgasmic orange chicken. Once I started seeing Panda Express’ stand alone restaurants pop-up all over the place, it was like someone answered a fat kids prayers. I’ll go to Panda Express anytime of the day. And you know what? It’s one of the few places on this list that is actually good when you have to re-heat it a few hours later.


3. McDonald’s

If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, there’s a good chance that food would probably be the french fries at McDonald’s. Those damn yellow sticks of pleasure just get my motor going. Anyone who can walk into a McDonald’s, smell those fries and NOT order them is a better person than myself. McDonald’s is also great for its limited time options. The Shamrock Shake and the McRib are two of my favorite items at McDonald’s and you can only get them for a short time. I haven’t had a McRib in like four years and I’m going to kill someone if I don’t get one soon. That’s not a threat Ronald, that’s a fucking promise.


2. Popeye’s

I’m just going to go ahead and let Little Nicky let you all know how I feel about Popeye’s……


1. Wendy’s


Great burgers.

Great fries.

Tremendous menu variety (baked potatoes, chili, frostys, etc.)

One of the best accounts on Twitter.

Wendy’s has it all and that’s why she’s my #1. Love ya girl.