The first few Monday Night RAW’s have been pretty god damn boring. How the hell did this show ever catch on and last as long as it has when it was this awful to start out with? I don’t know, but business should start picking up soon…..right?
Let’s give it a shot and find out……
The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 8
Things are getting off to a hot start this week as we are joined by the MEGA MANIACS in a pre-taped segment…..
Hulk Hogan: You know something Mega Maniacs? In seven days and seven nights, the Money Incorporated issued a challenge and we accepted the fight man. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. But that didn’t have nothing to do with Brutus’ smug at all. You know something dudes. We accept your challenge for WrestleMania. And with the titles on the line, what could be better? And Jimmy Hart has proved that he’s the number one Hulkamaniac around here because we sent him out to do a job and in seven short days, you did it Jimmy.
Jimmy Hart: You’d better believe it Hulkster. The Mega Maniacs sent Jimmy Hart to get a contract and that’s exactly what I did. Money Incorporated, remember one thing. I know all of your strong points baby and I know all of your weaknesses.
HH: Well, you know something. They said Brutus “The Bionic Barber” was the weak link in this team. Well, all week long at Venice Beach, California, I’ve been pounding him in the head with a metal suitcase. But tell them Brutus, what we’ve been worried about mostly.
Brutus Beefcake: Well, you know something Hulkster. I’ve been trying to figure out how to get those turn signals and blinkers off our new Harley’s so we can lay those title belts across the front of our hangers so that our arms are gonna hang in the breeze while we’re heading down the coast highway.
HH: Well, you know something brother. We’re gonna be looking good when we drive from Venice all the way down to Malibu Beach with the WWE Tag Team Titles on the front of our rides brother. But you know something Money Incorporated. The new song we’ve been training to goes just like this “Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you”. But what about the surprise brothers? Money Incorporated, not only are we gonna deplete all your assets. Not only are we gonna bankrupt you and break you in two. We got a little surprise for you brothers. And by the way, from New York….it’s MONDAY NIGHT RAW! What’cha gonna do?
Holy crap, what a waste of time to start the show off. Do we really need a pre-taped interview with Hulk Hogan talking about riding Harley’s with WWE titles strapped on them to get people hyped for WrestleMania? Seems like an odd way to go about things. There’s a reason Vince was losing money at a rapid pace in 1993. He had no idea what he was doing.
We are joined at ringside by Vince McMahon, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, and Rob “I can’t believe I still work here” Bartlett.
“El Matador” Tito Santana & Virgil
Virgil has a lot of history with Ted DiBiase, so this one could go off-the-rails pretty early. I.R.S. gets on the mic and makes sure to call everyone a “tax cheat” so we know who the heels are. DiBiase gets things started off with El Matador. He makes sure to mock Virgil real fast though because of their history. They lock-up and DiBiase backs him into the ropes. The fans break out in an “IRWIN” chant while Santana backs DiBiase into the ropes this time. Santana backs DiBiase into the corner and DiBiase turns things around and starts hammering on Santana. Santana whips DiBiase into the ropes and hits him with an elbow. He goes down and Santana goes for the pin. 1…..2……ya right. A headlock takedown by Santana now. Santana still has the headlock on and goes and gets the tag to Virgil. The crowd is hyped for that. DiBiase tells Virgil to “bring it on” and then tags out to Irwin. DiBiase then puts his hand on his nose like 4 year old’s do when they say “na na na na na na, you can’t catch me”. Real mature DiBiase. Virgil gets I.R.S. in a headlock and gets him on his knees. I.R.S. whips him into the ropes, but Virgil nails him with a shoulder block. I.R.S. gets up and tries a side suplex, but Virgil counters and delivers one of his own. Clothesline by Virgil now followed by another one. I.R.S. has had enough and he rolls to the outside of the ring. Santana runs over and starts punching Irwin’s face. He throws him back into the ring. Santana and Virgil whip him into the ropes and hit him with a double elbow. Santana goes for the pin. 1…..2…..no! Apparently Santana thinks Irwin’s done because he tries to pin him again. 1……2……you fucking kidding me? I never understood that. If the guy kicks out, why would you just pin him again? Santana grabs Irwin’s arm and starts twisting it now. I.R.S. grabs the ropes to yell at the fans, but Santana pulls him back into the center of the ring. DiBiase tries coming in for the help, but the ref runs over to stop him. Virgil then runs into the ring and takes over for Santana with no tag made. That’s usually a heel move in a tag team match, so this is a little confusing to me. I.R.S. finally gets up, but Virgil still has a hold of the arm. Virgil makes the tag to Santana again. He goes to the top rope and hits I.R.S. with an axe handle. He quickly grabs his arm and applies a submission hold again. Irwin is trying to get the tag, but he can’t reach DiBiase. This match is so ass backwards. Santana runs over and pops DiBiase in the face and grabs Irwin’s arm again. He takes him over to the corner and tags Virgil. Virgil runs in and grabs Irwin’s arm now. DiBiase runs in to complain and now Santana runs back in and grabs Irwin’s arm. The heels are faces and the faces are heels in this match. Let’s go to a commercial…..
We are back and Santana is still working on Irwin. Irwin finally hits Santana in the mid-section with a knee and gets the tag to DiBiase. They start double-teaming Santana now. Santana is fighting back, but DiBiase ends that rather quickly and has El Matador in a front headlock. Santana is fighting back again and whips DiBiase into the ropes. They run into each other and both go down. DiBiase gets the tag to I.R.S. and Santana gets the HOT TAG to Virgil. Virgil comes in and starts punching Irwin. He whips Irwin into the corner and he goes down hard. He throws Irwin into the other corner and hits him with a clothesline. DiBiase runs in and gets a clothesline as well. Virgil scoops Irwin up and slams him down. He goes off the ropes, but DiBiase trips him and he falls down. Virgil tries to get DiBiase, but Irwin comes up from behind and hits him with a suplex. Irwin gets the pin while Santana chases DiBiase around the ring. 1……2……3! What an anti-climatic ending.
Winners: Money Incorporated via A SUPLEX
Now we get a quick run down of every single victory the undefeated Tatanka has over current Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. There have been two of them so far. Can he make it a THREE-PEAT at WrestleMania 9?
And don’t look now, but Rick “The Model” Martel is here to bless us with his appearance. He grabs the sign from the RAW girl and proceeds to walk around the ring holding the sign instead.
Tatanka’s undefeated streak is definitely in jeopardy here. Apollo gets a headlock on right away. Tatanka whips him into the ropes and ducks as Apollo jumps over him. Tatanka then jumps over Apollo and does it again. Now they are trying to hip toss each other and Tatanka finally wins that victory and sends Apollo over the ropes. Tatanka goes out to give chase now and starts chopping the shit out of Apollo. He throws him back into the ring now. He puts him in the corner and starts delivering some more chops. Apollo gets thrown into the corner and runs at Tatanka, but gets a big chop for his troubles. Now Shawn Michaels is joining us via telephone. How much you want to bet it’s a landline? Apollo gets up and pokes Tatanka in the eye and starts working him over. He tries whipping Tatanka into the ropes, but Tatanka counters with a powerslam. Tatanka goes off the ropes and goes for an elbow drop, but Apollo moves. Apollo starts punching Tatanka and gets him into the corner. He smashes his head into the turnbuckle, but Tatanka is HULKING UP! He starts dancing around the ring while Apollo hits him. Big chop to Apollo! And another one! Tatanka picks him up and delivers another big chop. SAMOAN DROP TO APOLLO! 1….2….3! That’s all she wrote. Tatanka is still undefeated. Eat your heart out Goldberg.
Winner: Tatanka via Samoan Drop
And now “Mean” Gene Okerlund is here with the latest rundown of the WRESTLEMANIA 9 CARD. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT YET????
Here’s the latest card:
-The Mega Maniacs vs. Money Incorporated (for the WWE Tag Team Titles)
-Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (for the WWE Championship)
-The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
Rick Martel is back again and once more he’s not happy with the way the RAW ring girl looks and I don’t blame him. Vince really brought in some uggo’s about this time. Martel kicks this one out as well and start parading around the ring. I gotta say….it’s kind of an improvement.
Maybe that gif should have come with a SPOILER ALERT warning? Shango gets things started off by kicking and beating the hell out of Edwards. He picks him up and powerslams him and follows that up with an elbow drop. He backs Edwards up into the corner and starts hitting him with some big forearms. He whips him into the other corner and charges into him. Shango picks him up and nails him with a suplex and goes for the cover. 1…..2…..Shango lifts him up. He’s not done. He starts raking the eyes of Edwards and continues stomping on him. He picks him up and hits him with another suplex. 1…..2…..and Shango lifts him up again. Shango starts taunting the crowd and kicking Edwards. He drops a headbutt onto Edwards’ mid-section and picks him up. Shoulder breaker to Edwards and that should do it. 1…..2……3! There was never any doubt. This Papa Shango guy should be a future WWE Hall-of-Famer fo sho.
Winner: Papa Shango via Shoulder Breaker
Bob Backlund was boooooooooooring as shit when he returned to the WWF. That was until he went crazy sometime in 1994, but maybe we will eventually get there? Backlund gives the fan a thumbs up as they give him an “Opie” chant. I’m not sure you’re supposed to support that one Bob. Backlund goes for a handshake but DeMoro doesn’t shake his hand. What a jerk. DeMoro starts posing to the crowd instead. Let’s go boys. I got shit to do. They finally lock-up and Backlund gives him a hip toss. They lock-up again and Backlund gets another hip toss. DeMoro charges him and Backlund moves out-of-the-way and knocks him down. DeMoro gets frustrated and goes outside of the ring. Now the fans are chanting “Bobby” and Backlund is pumped for that one. DeMoro gets back in the ring and they lock-up once more. They trade grappling moves and hit the mat and some chain wrestling ensues. They get back up now. Another lock-up and DeMoro gets Backlund’s back. Backlund gets DeMoro’s back and he backs Backlund up into the corner.Backlund counters though and whips DeMoro into the other corner. He grabs him in a double underhook suplex and follows with a half nelson pin. 1…..2……3. And that’s all she wrote. What a boring match.
Winner: Bob Backlund via Double Underhook Suplex
And now we go backstage for an interview with Rick “The Model” Martel:
Rob Bartlett: Vince, I’m backstage with Rick “The Model” Martel. We’ve seen him steal the ring cards twice tonight from the RAW girls. Rick Martel, what is your deal man?
Rick Martel: First of all, take a look at yourself, Rob Bartlett. Look at the way you dress. You have no class. You look so blah. You’re just like those card girls. That’s why I took them out of the ring because I wanted to show them what modeling is all about. Because I’am the best. I have class. And those girls are just like all these people here on Monday Night RAW programming, they have no class. This building has no class. I can’t believe “The Model” is standing in the middle of this filth.
RB: So basically you’re saying there’s no class. What’s going to happen later on in the ring against Mr. Perfect?
RM: Mr. Perfect, you know I always say perfection is so boring. Well, Mr. Perfect, I’m gonna show you what excitement is all about. Yes, “The Model” is not only the best model in the world, but I’m also the best wrestler and you’re going to find out why “The Model”, I have class.
Rick “The Model” Martel
Martel and Perfect lock-up and break it quickly. They lock-up again and Martel gets a headlock. Perfect whips him into the ropes, but Martel gets a shoulder block. He hits the ropes again, but Perfect ducks this time. He gets back up and hip tosses Martel. Martel kicks Perfect and they both get up and Perfect quickly slams Martel. Martel kicks Perfect again. They get up and this time Martel slams Perfect. Perfect kicks Martel and they get up and stare each other down. They lock-up once more and Martel backs Perfect into the ropes and they start trading blows until Martel backs up into the corner like a coward. Another lock-up and Martel knees Perfect in the abs. Perfect whips him into the ropes and Martel manages to cartwheel out-of-the-way. He does some jumping jacks to try to impress Mr. Perfect. He doesn’t look impressed. They lock-up again and Martel ends up on the mat and Perfect grabs his legs. Martel kicks Perfect off and he bounces off the ropes, but he cart wheels out of the way once Martel tries to hit him. Two can play that game buddy. Perfect backs Martel up into the corner and Martel hits him across the face. He runs over and does it again just for good measure. He has Perfect in the corner and starts abusing him some more. He tries to whip him into the other corner, but Perfect counters. Perfect charges Martel, but Martel hits him with a knee to the face. He starts pounding away on Perfect now. Suplex to Perfect followed by an arm lock submission. Perfect finally manages to escape and is able to flip Martel out of the ring and he goes flying. And it’s time for a commercial…..
We are back and Perfect is on the outside of the ring now. Martel grabs his hair and starts pulling him back in. Martel nails Perfect with some huge shots followed by a gut wrench suplex. Martel goes for the cover. 1……2…..no! Martel starts hitting Perfect’s back once more. He grabs Perfect in a chin lock submission now. The fans are cheering Perfect on while Martel yells at them to “shut up”. Perfect is powered by the fans because he starts fighting back. He hits Martel in the mid-section and goes off the ropes, but Martel hits him with a knee and he goes flying. Back breaker to Perfect now and Martel goes to the ring apron. He tries to flip back in over the ropes, but Perfect puts up his knees and Martel goes down. They both get up and Martel smashes Perfect’s head into the turnbuckle. He whips Perfect into the ropes and hits him in the mid-section. Martel goes to the top rope and comes flying off, but Perfect counters with a shot to Martel’s mid-section! Martel goes for a clothesline but Perfect counters with an atomic drop. Another atomic drop! Perfect takes his straps down and he’s hyped now! He starts punching Martel in the face and chopping him. He whips him into the turnbuckle and follows that up with a big back body drop. Apparently that’s a great time to take a commercial break…..
We are back and we missed the finish. I’m not even joking. Mr. Perfect’s music is playing and he’s walking away the victor. Vince is informing us that we are lucky because we have REPLAY!!!! YAY FOR REPLAY! WHO CARES ABOUT SEEING THAT SHIT LIVE, RIGHT? On the replay, we see Mr. Perfect hit Martel with the PERFECT PLEX. That would have been pretty cool to see live.
Winner: Mr. Perfect via Perfect Plex
And that’s all we have for this week. What an odd episode of RAW. For some reason, the WWE thought it would be a great idea to focus heavily on Rick Martel for some reason this week. We finally got a decent main event that was of course ruined by a shitty ending because we can’t have nice things. I’m still not sure how this show ended up getting off the ground considering how shitty it was.