Things are heating up in the RAW era as WrestleMania 9 gets closer and closer. Hulk Hogan is back and shit is hitting the fan. What will happen on this week’s episode?
Let’s find out….
The Time Machine: Monday Night RAW – Episode 7
We aren’t messing around this week apparently. We don’t even get an introduction this week and are going straight to a match…..
Bret “The Hitman” Hart
Bret Hart is the WWE Champion and he hasn’t been on RAW in like 2-3 weeks because it’s been the Hulk Hogan/Brutus Beefcake show the last few weeks. Unfortunately for Bret, he would go on to play second fiddle (or even less than that) to Hogan for the rest of his career and it got even worse when the two were in WCW together. You probably never would have known that had I not mentioned it, because when has Bret ever been the kind of person to complain about things? We go down to ringside real quick to see Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett dressed as “Elvis” because the guy couldn’t possibly get any more annoying if he tried. Fatu takes 15 minutes taking his entrance attire off. It actually takes so long, Bret gets impatient. HE JUST WANTS TO WRASSLE MAN! The two lock-up and Fatu pushes Bret. Bret gets Fatu in a headlock and Fatu whips him into the ropes. He picks Bret up and slams him down. He goes for an elbow, but Bret moves. An arm-drag takedown by Hart and Bret starts hitting Fatu in the shoulder with knees. They get up and Fatu whips him into the corner. He goes for an elbow, but Bret moves and hits another arm-drag takedown into a submission. Fatu grabs Bret’s hair and breaks the hold. Bret goes off the ropes and hits Fatu with a shoulder block. He goes off the ropes again, but Afa trips him this time and he goes down. Fatu starts taunting the crowd and Hart gets the roll-up pin. 1…..2…..nope! Hart gets up and starts working on Fatu’s arm again. Fatu gives him a powerslam, but Hart grabs his arm again and continues the submission. Fatu whips Hart into the ropes and goes to backdrop him, but Hart catches Fatu’s head and slams it against the mat. He doesn’t feel pain in his head though and just bounces up. Two fans at ringside have signs that say “BANZAI” and “YOSH” which are the only two words that Yokozuna says. They are huge fans obviously. Fatu nails Hart with a big kick to the face and he goes down. Fatu gets the pin. 1……2…..almost! Headbutt by Fatu now. He whips Hart into the ropes and tries suplexing him, but Hart counters. Fatu then nails him with a big clothesline. And a pin again. 1……2…..not happening! Fatu follows that up with a submission hold to Hart’s neck. I think some people call that the “VULCAN DEATH GRIP”. Honestly, it’s kind of a stupid move because it looks like Hart can escape rather easily, but he just doesn’t. Every time I did that move to my little brother, he would just flop around and get out. I highly recommend trying that approach. Fatu goes for another cover. 1…..2…..kick out! And now, Fatu’s partner Samu is walking down to the ring. Shit is about to hit the fan. Fatu whips Hart into the ropes and misses a clothesline. Hart gives him a splash and gets the cover. 1…..2…..kick out by Fatu! Fatu pushes Hart to the outside. Afa distracts the ref now while Samu picks Hart up and slams him. It’s 3-against-1! Samu starts slamming Bret’s head against the ring steps. And now we go to a commercial.
We are back and Bret is still out on the floor. Fatu goes out to get him and slams his head against the ring. He throws him back in finally. Big headbutt by Fatu and he backs Hart up into the corner. Now he whips him into the other corner and Hart goes down. He picks Bret up and gives him a side suplex and goes for the cover. 1……2……nope! He whips Hart into the corner again and he goes down hard and also gets a headbutt for good measure. Fatu follows that up with a few more headbutts and goes for another cover. 1……2…..nope! He picks Bret up again and hits him with a big piledriver. Fatu signals that it’s over and goes for the cover. 1……2……NO! Fatu starts biting Hart on an open wound on Hart’s nose because Fatu is a SAVAGE! He throws Hart into the corner and starts pounding on him. He throws him into the other corner and Bret hits it hard and goes down. Fatu signals that it’s over again and goes for another cover. 1……2……NO! Fatu picks Bret up and lands another side suplex. He goes to the top rope and hits him with a giant headbutt from the top! Another cover. 1…….2…..KICK OUT! Afa wants Fatu to go to the top rope again and he obliges. Bret gets up though and hits Fatu and knocks him off the top rope! Bret climbs the top and gives Fatu a big suplex from the top rope! Bret goes for the pin. 1……2……NO! He picks Fatu up and puts him into the corner. Bulldog headlock by Bret followed by another cover. 1……2…..KICK OUT! Back breaker to Fatu now and Hart goes to the top rope. Elbow drop from the second rope! Hart grabs Fatu’s legs and he’s going for his finisher! Afa is up on the ring apron, but Bret gets Fatu in the SHARPSHOOTER!!! Afa has the ref distracted and Samu runs in the ring and hits Hart from behind. Samu pushes Fatu out of the ring and covers Bret himself. 1……2…..KICK OUT! Samu leaves the ring and Fatu gets back in. Hart is fighting back and Fatu picks him up. Hart goes over Fatu’s back and gets a sleeper hold locked on! Samu gets back in the ring and Hart pushes them into each other. Samu gets locked up in the ropes while Bret hits Fatu with a suplex. He punches Afa and grabs Fatu’s legs again. SHARPSHOOTER BY BRET!!!!! Fatu quickly taps and Bret walks away with the win.
Winner: Bret “The Hitman” Hart via Sharpshooter
And now it’s time for the WRESTLEMANIA 9 REPORT!
“Mean” Gene is here to fill us in on the latest card, which is as follows:
-Mega Maniacs (Brutus Beefcake/Hulk Hogan) vs. Money Inc. (Ted DiBiase/I.R.S.)
-The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez
-Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka (for the WWE Intercontinental Title)
-Mr. Perfect vs. “The Narcissist” Lex Luger
-Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (for the WWE Title)
We are back at ringside and now we are going “live” to Hawaii to talk with Crush who is just now getting out of the ocean….I’m not joking:
Crush: Ya, it’s pretty miserable here brutha. It got down to 75, 76, something like that. How’s it out there anyways?
Vince McMahon: It’s a comfortable–about 23 degrees, little snow on the ground, mush, you know. Something like that.
Crush: I’m sorry to hear that brother.
Randy Savage: I bet you are.
VM: How about a prediction for the one-on-one matchup, you squaring off against Doink the evil clown at WrestleMania? How about it?
Crush: Better than giving you a prediction brother. Let me show you the outcome. I’m gonna crush his head, just like this coconut brother.
(Crush crushes a coconut)
VM: Well, that pretty much settles it. Good luck to you Crush, squaring off against Doink at WrestleMania.
What a waste of time. Apparently we all needed to see Crush lounging on the beach crushing coconuts to really get hyped for his match with Doink. Speaking of Doink……
Doink The Clown
Koko B. Ware
Doink wastes no time and attacks Koko from behind as soon as he gets in the ring. Doink is an evil clown. They don’t have any sportsmanship. Doink pulls Koko’s jacket off and drops an elbow on his knee and continues working on the knee. Doink gets up and mock Koko’s dancing. He grabs Koko’s leg and applies a half crab and turns it into an STF. Doink grabs Koko’s tights and looks amused by them and continues to pound on him. He grabs Koko’s knee and applies another leg submission, but Koko is fighting him off. Doink picks him up and a swinging neck breaker drops him. Doink grabs Koko in another submission hold and that’s a wrap, and a very anti-climatic one at that. At this rate, Doink is sure to be WWE Champion in no time and I wouldn’t object to that at all.
Winner: Doink The Clown via funky leg stretch submission
Doink sneers at the camera once the match is over. Rob “Elvis” Bartlett wants to talk to Doink because apparently he’s a fan.
Rob Bartlett: Come here Doink. I gotta meet you man. I like that clown thing you got going there man. A little clown will make me laugh. Look at this. Hey man. I got to talk to you man. Because I really like you man.
(Doink walks over with some presents)
RB: You made me laugh at the circus man. I met Priscilla at the side show. She was a sword swallower man. Hey, let me ask you something. What do you got there? Something to eat man? A cheeseburger or something there?
Doink The Clown: Maybe a little this, a little that.
RB: Well, let me have a little something in there man. Come on.
Doink: You hungry?
RB: I’m starving man. Come on.
Doink: Oh, I guess I might have something for you.
RB: You got something for me here? Let me see man. Let me see man. You got–he got something to eat for me man? You got something to eat for me there? You got….
Doink: Here’s a little pie for you.
(Doink hands him a little pie)
RB: Oh wow man. Look a little tiny banana cream pie. Look here man.
Vince McMahon: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
(Doink has an even bigger pie in his hand and smashes it in Bartlett’s face)
Doink gets in the ring laughing while Bartlett eats the pie off his face. I love Doink, but that was just stupid. Then again, anything involving Bartlett is just stupid. Dump this guy already!
And now it’s time for an interview with Money Inc…..
Vince McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen. May I present to you, the reigning World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions, with us now, Money Incorporated!
VM: Well, Mr. DiBiase. Perhaps you have heard the comments of the Mega Maniacs.
Ted DiBiase: Before I get to Hulk Hogan and Beefcake, McMahon. I have got to make mention of an article that I read in today’s USA Today that really disturbed me, about a very good friend of Irwin R. Schyster, Mr. James Robinson. former Chief Executive of American Express. Here’s a man that gave his all to this company. And as he steps down, how do they repay him? They want to give this man $700. A mere $730,000 a year in retirement money. Irwin…..
VM: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I’m sorry. You’re upset over the fact that they’re gonna give your friend $730,000 a year?
TD: That’s right. And if that’s not a big enough insult. They want to give him $1.1 million dollars in severance pay. What a slap in the face that is. We’re talking to a man that knows how to live the good life, like Irwin and I. He knows what real money is all about. And then if you want to pour a little salt in the wound, they want to give him $3.2 million over a few years, so he won’t compete with them over a million dollar package.
VM: So wait a minute. Now you feel sorry for your friend, who’s getting all this money?
TD: All this money? McMahon, that’s a raw deal. That’s a raw deal. That’s pocket change McMahon. That’s an insult. And as far as the American Express goes, the next time Irwin and I leave home, it will be without it (evil laugh).
VM: What about the matter at hand? What about the Mega Maniacs?
TD: It’s very simple McMahon. It’s all assets and liabilities. So the cats out of the bag. The challenge has been issued. I thought I’d heard that music fade off into the sunset for the last time. But, oh no. Here he comes again. “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan coming out of retirement to the aid of his good friend Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. My heart bleeds for you. What a touching story Hogan. But just like Beefcake, Hogan. Beefcake was gone two years. You’ve been gone a year. You’ve been in Hollywood making movies and making commercials and being the big Hollywood star. I think you’re a little soft. You want to limit our assets? You wanna start cutting our assets? Well you got off to a real good start Hogan. You took Jimmy Hart from us. All you’re doing is cutting our losses because all Jimmy Hart was, was an overpaid, way overpaid, go-for. “Go for this Jimmy”. “Go for that Jimmy” (evil laugh).
VM: What about that dastardly deed we saw you do with that very attache case, Irwin?
Irwin R. Schyster: Well, first of all McMahon. Let’s put it this way. All I did–SHUT UP (addressed to the fans)! All I did was give Beefcake a little wake up call. We are compassionate.
VM: A little wake up call? You’re compassionate?
I.R.S.: We are compassionate caring men. And I’ll tell you what we care about. We care about ourselves. And Beefcake, if Mr. DiBiase didn’t pull you back just a little bit. We would have put you out of wrestling once and for all. But as you can see, like I said, all we did was give you a little wake up call. And you Hulk Hogan, let me explain something to you. If we did this to Beefcake. What’s gonna stop us from doing it to you? “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan, being the next victim of….
VM: All right, well…..
I.R.S.: …..the briefcase. No, no, not the briefcase. The “Beefcase”. And as you can see right there McMahon, Hulk Hogan has his ugly face written all over the “Beefcase”.
VM: All right. Well, what about it? Are you going to put the titles on the line?
TD: Well, let’s put it to a vote. What do you people think? Do you think we should put our titles on the line against Hogan and Beefcake?
(The crowd cheers)
TD: What–are we supposed to be afraid Hogan? Are we supposed to be afraid of you? Not a chance. I think you’re soft. And you Beefcake, remember you are the weak link in this team. Not only–not only will we put our titles on the line. We’ll put our titles on the line at the biggest wrestling event in World Wrestling Federation history….WrestleMania 9 in Las Vegas, Nevada!
VM: Alright. The title on the line at WrestleMania. You against the Mega Maniacs. What about the odds?
I.R.S.: I’ll tell you something McMahon. It’s like they say in Las Vegas. Beefcake, Hogan, and Jimmy Hart. The odds are against you!
VM: Money Incorporated! Irwin R. Schyster and the “Million Dollar Man”!
“The Narcissist” Lex Luger
P.J. Walker is better remembered as either “Man O’ War” Aldo Montoya or Justin Credible. Pick your poison. Luger comes down and poses in the mirror because he loves himself. They finally lock-up and Luger starts hammering him with elbows. He tosses him into the corner and Walker goes down hard. He picks him up and throws Walker into another corner and the same thing happens. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan joins us via phone now to hype up Luger. Luger meanwhile slams Walker and flexes for the fans. Suplex to Walker now and Luger picks him up and starts slamming his head into the turnbuckle. He picks him up and knees him in the face. Luger picks Walker up and throws him into the corner and Walker is hanging upside down. Luger proceeds to hammer away on Walker and once again flexes for the crowd. Luger is kicking Walker and then picks him up. ILLEGAL FOREARM TO WALKER! Luger takes his pinky finger and pins Walker. 1…..2……3. And that’s all she wrote. Luger picks up Walker and throws him out of the ring. He takes him in front of the mirror and degrades him and then throws him down. He finishes things by posing in front of the mirror.
Winner: Lex Luger via Illegal Forearm
The Steiner Brothers
Some Jobbers (Duane Gill & Barry Hardy)
Duane Gill (better known as Gillberg) and Barry Hardy were the kings of the jobbers in the early 1990’s. Scott gets things started off with Hardy. He wraps up his arm and takes him down. They lock-up and Scott gets a headlock on. A shoulder block to Hardy now and Scott hits him with a big forearm. Belly to belly suplex to Hardy. Scott picks him up and takes him down and tags in Rick. Rick whips Hardy into the ropes, but he stops himself. Rick runs over and clotheslines his ass out of the ring. Scott walks over and throws Hardy back in the ring. Rick picks him up and slams him into the corner. He throws Hardy into his own corner now and he gets the tag. Duane Gill runs in and Rick hits him with a back body drop. Tilt-a-whirl suplex to Gill followed by an elbow drop. Rick picks him up and goes over to tag Scott. Scott gets in and just starts abusing Gill. He hits him with a side suplex and then runs over and knocks Hardy off the apron. Scott goes back and whips Gill into the ropes and hits him with a dropkick. He picks him back up and tags Rick in. Rick hits Gill in the back and he goes down. Rick follows that up with a submission. He quickly picks Gill up and tags Scott back in. Scott hits Gill with a double arm suplex and calls for the finisher. He picks up Gill and FRANKENSTEINER!!!! Scott goes for the pin. 1…..2…..3! Let’s go home folks. What a main event!
Winner: The Steiner Brothers via Frankensteiner
And that’s it for this week ladies and gentlemen. What a stupid episode of RAW. Nothing memorable happened and the main event was worse than last week’s when the Undertaker wrestled Skinner in a match that aired for 30 seconds! WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?
Screw this. Let’s get out of here.