The 2013 Royal Rumble. We have four more of these things to go. THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! Anyway, last year’s Rumble was one of the worst in memory. It shouldn’t be hard for 2013 to top it…….
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2013
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Dolph Ziggler
#2 – Chris Jericho
Dolph Ziggler gets #1 for the second time in history. He has horrible luck picking numbers. He comes out with A.J. Lee and Big E. Langston and makes out with Lee before heading into the ring. Some guys have all the luck man. She is absolutely gorgeous. Dolph gets the mic:
“I stand before you all alone in the spotlight, exactly where I belong. And tonight when this Royal Rumble match comes to a close, it’s going to be exactly the same. Me standing in this ring all by myself as the winner of the Royal Rumble match. And I don’t even care who #2 is, so just send him out already.”
That same kind of speech worked out pretty well for Miz last year, so let’s see what happens with Ziggler. Jericho is back making one of his 16 returns to the WWE. Apparently FOZZY is off tour at the moment and he can bless us with his appearance. Jericho gets a huge reaction of course and the fans break out in a “Y2J” chant. Apparently Jericho’s been gone since SummerSlam when he lost a “Contract vs. Briefcase” match against Ziggler and was terminated from the company. The announcers mention that, but they don’t mention why Jericho is back five months later if he lost a match where he was supposed to be fired. Ziggler is upset and I would be as well. They lock up and Jericho gets a headlock. Ziggler whips him into the ropes and Jericho hits him with a shoulderblock. Jericho almost goes out, but he goes to the top rope and hits Ziggler with an axe handle. Jericho charges at Ziggler now and clothesline him over the top rope. Ziggler manages to land on the ring apron though. Jericho is now slugging away at Ziggler as he’s balancing on the apron. The crowd breaks out in a “YOU STILL GOT IT” chant towards Jericho. Both guys are on the top rope now. Big suplex from Jericho and here comes #3……
#3 – Cody Rhodes
Cody Rhodes is here with his creepy mustache. He had a good showing last year. Let’s see if he can top it. He goes right after Jericho, but Jericho clotheslines him. Now he’s chopping away on Rhodes in the corner, but Ziggler comes over and they start double-teaming Jericho. They have Jericho on the verge of elimination, but he manages to escape. Kick to the nuts of Jericho by Rhodes. Jericho counters and gets Rhodes in the WALLS OF JERICHO! Ziggler comes from behind and hits Jericho though. Ziggler grabs Jericho’s head and chokes him with the ropes. He slingshots Jericho’s throat into the ropes now. And here comes #4……
#4 – Kofi Kingston
Kofi runs down and goes straight to the top rope and nails Cody with a chop. Dropkick to Rhodes. Now a big splash to Rhodes and Kofi starts hitting him with the turnbuckle punches. Kofi attempts the Trouble In Paradise on Dolph, but Ziggler avoids it. Kofi grabs Dolph and tries to throw him out, but Rhodes comes up from behind and is trying to eliminate Kofi. Jericho comes over and tries eliminating everyone. Rhodes punches Jericho and gets him to release. Jericho is now squaring off with Rhodes in the corner. Kofi has Dolph on the verge of elimination again .Rhodes comes over and tries eliminating the both of them. Here comes another entrant……
#5 – Santino Marella
No funny business from Santino this year. He gets in the ring and tries throwing Kofi out. Now he tries throwing Dolph out. He picks up Cody Rhodes and throws him out. All these guys are landing on the ring apron though. Jericho gets dumped as well and now Santino is celebrating. He thinks he eliminated everyone, but he actually didn’t eliminate anyone. Everyone is back in the ring now. Santino calls for a timeout. He’s breaking out the Cobra. COBRA TO KOFI! Jericho calls for peace and Santino turns around and gets a savate kick from Ziggler right in the chin. Rhodes picks him up and throws him out (elimination #1). Jericho runs up behind Rhodes and tries getting him out and Ziggler does the same to him. Ziggler goes over and starts working on Kofi again. Rhodes comes over to give him a hand as Kofi is on the verge of elimination. Kofi kicks them both off. And here comes #6…….
#6 – Drew McIntyre
Drew McIntyre of “3MB” gets in the ring and starts working on Ziggler. Now he’s punching anyone within in his sights. Kofi and McIntyre are squaring off and McIntyre boots him in the face. Rhodes is stomping on Ziggler in the corner. Jericho has McIntyre and Kofi on the brink of elimination now. Ziggler is on the ring apron and punches Rhodes and gets back in the ring. McIntyre is now stomping away on Kofi. Jericho goes out, but he manages to hang on and barely pulls himself back up. Here comes #7…….
#7 – Titus O’Neil
Titus gets in the ring and just starts abusing Kofi. Rhodes comes up from behind and now Kofi and him start beating on Titus. They run into the ropes and Titus hits them with a big double clothesline. Titus picks up Kofi and hits him with a backbreaker and tosses him like yesterday’s garbage. Somehow McIntyre ends up on the ring apron and Jericho nails him with a springboard dropkick that sends him home for good (elimination #2). Ziggler runs up behind and tries tossing Jericho. Titus runs up behind and tries tossing Ziggler now, but he gets back in. Jericho starts chopping Titus now as the fans once again chant “Y2J”. And here comes #8……
#8 – Goldust
Goldust is here and he’s staring down his brother Cody already. Goldust gets in the ring and Cody and him start trading punches. Ziggler comes over and Goldust disposes of him. He goes back to beating on Cody. He tries eliminating Cody, but Cody hangs on. Goldust continues to beat on him though as the fans chant “Goldust” now. Goldust picks him up and is now chopping his brother. Jericho is once again on the verge of elimination, this time thanks to Titus. And here comes #9……..
#9 – David Otunga
YAAAAAAAAAAWWWNNNNN. Otunga gets in and shoulderblocks Goldust. He picks up Jericho now and starts beating on him in the corner. Ziggler grabs Kofi and goes to toss him out, but he hangs on. Goldust and Cody are actually teaming up now and working on Titus. They are trying to eliminate him now. Cody switches gears and tries eliminating Goldust instead. #10 is on their way down now……..
#10 – Heath Slater
Slater apparently tweeted earlier in the week that the Royal Rumble was nothing more than a “30 man mosh pit” That means he’s going to enter the ring and just start slamming into guys. This should be fun. He enters the ring and starts chopping Goldust. HEY! THEY DON’T DO THAT IN MOSH PITS BUDDY! Now he punches Otunga and starts chopping him. Ziggler runs over and tries eliminating Goldust. Titus comes over to give him a hand. Slater and Kofi are trading punches in the middle of the ring. Ziggler is on the ring apron now and Jericho bashes his head into the turnbuckle. Goldust has Otunga and tries tossing him, but we need him in this thing, so he survives. And #11 is headed down……
#11 – Sheamus
Last year’s winner is here and I bet this ring is about to get cleared a little. Goldust gets a clothesline. Otunga gets a clothesline. Titus gets a clothesline. Irish Curse Backbreaker to Ziggler. Another one to Rhodes now. Samoan Drop to Slater. One to Jericho now. Titus runs at him and Sheamus backdrops him out. Titus lands on the ring apron and now Sheamus is clobbering on his chest. Otunga runs over to help Titus and Sheamus just grabs him and throws him into Titus and he goes flying out (elimination #3). Otunga lands on the ring apron though. Sheamus picks him up. Now he starts clobbering his chest. BROGUE KICK TO OTUNGA AND HE’S GONE (elimination #4)! Slater runs over and jumps on Sheamus’ back while Rhodes pounds on him. Sheamus goes down and the beatdown is on. Just in time for another entrant……
#12 – Tensai
It’s Tensai and no one cares. What a stupid gimmick. He goes right after Sheamus. Slater comes over and Tensai hits him. Tensai is now hitting everyone in sight. He picks up Sheamus and throws him into the corner. Jericho runs over and jumps on Tensai’s back. Now everyone in the ring comes over to beat on Tensai. Sheamus grabs Slater and tries throwing him over. Ziggler is pounding away on Kofi in the corner. Sheamus is choking Slater with his boot. That looks uncomfortable if you ask me. Here comes lucky #13……
#13 – Brodus Clay
Brodus Clay comes dancing down and he’ll get eliminated if he dances in the ring. Mark my words. Clay hits Jericho and starts pounding away on him in the corner. Tensai comes over and now Clay and Tensai are squaring off. Goldust goes for a bulldog on Rhodes, but Cody throws him. Cody charges Goldust and Goldust backdrops him out of the ring. Cody manages to land on the ring apron though. A big punch sends him almost out. Cody pulls Goldust out of the ring and now the two brothers are fighting on the ring apron. Goldust clotheslines Cody back in the ring. Cody gets up and grabs Goldust and throws him into the corner post and he goes flying out of the ring (elimination #5). Here comes #14…..
#14 – Rey Mysterio Jr.
Mysterio gets in the ring and instantly starts going at it with Ziggler. Drop toe hold to Jericho. Jericho goes on the ropes. 619 TO ZIGGLER! 619 TO JERICHO! Rey goes to the top rope and dives onto Jericho. Rhodes comes over and picks Rey up and tries to dump him. Clay goes to punch Slater out of the ring, but Slater moves and now he’s trying to get Clay out. And another entrant is headed down……..
#15 – Darren Young
For some reason, everyone in the ring started ganging up on Brodus Clay and they throw his ass out (elimination #6). Tensai grabs Kofi and tosses him out, but he lands on the apron. Headbutt to the mid-section of Tensai and Kofi comes flipping over him to get back into the ring. Kofi charges Tensai again and Tensai picks him up. Tensai goes to throw him out, but they both go out. Kofi manages to hang on, but Tensai doesn’t (elimination #7). Ziggler runs over and hits Kofi and sends him flying off the apron. Kofi manages to jump on Tensai’s back though. Tensai is trying to get him off and he finally throws Kofi onto the announcer’s table. Kofi is trying to figure out a gameplan while the crowd chants “Kofi”. He’s thinking of making a jump to the ring steps. Kofi wants JBL’s chair who’s doing the announcing. JBL wants to see it, so he gives his chair up. And here comes #16…….
#16 – Bo Dallas
Kofi takes JBL’s chair and bounces it like a pogo stick back over to the ring. AND HE’S BACK IN! He pulls himself back up and Darren Young charges at him. Kofi grabs the top rope and sends him flying out (elimination #8). Rhodes goes off the top rope and hits Kofi with a kick to the head and all that work was for nothing as Kofi finally goes flying off and he’s gone (elimination #9). Sheamus comes up from behind Rhodes and tries dumping him, but he holds on. And another entrant is headed down……
#17 – The Godfather
THE GODFATHER IS BACK AND HE’S BROUGHT SOME HO’S!!!! OR DO WE HAVE TO CALL THEM LADIES NOW BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A PC-WORLD? FUCK IT, I’M CALLING THEM HO’S! Godfather gets in and Dolph Ziggler immediately dropkicks him out (elimination #10). That’s OK. He puts his entrance gear back on and goes back to dancing with his ho’s. Back in the ring, Jericho comes off the top rope and nails Dallas. And here comes #18……
#18 – Wade Barrett
Barrett starts hitting everyone in the ring. He starts stomping on Jericho. Sheamus runs at Barrett and Barrett gives him a sidewalk slam. Barrett goes to throw Sheamus over and Jericho is trying to give him an assist. Slater comes over to get him some of Barrett. Rhodes drops Mysterio. Here comes #19…….
#19 – John Cena
Cena is here and the fans are split. Everyone in the ring is just staring at the entrance way. Cena counts them all. He runs down to the ring and he instantly gets jumped. Everyone is beating on Cena. Cena starts fighting back though. He grabs Slater and tosses him out (elimination #11)! F-U TO RHODES AND HE GOES FLYING OUT (elimination #12)! Jericho comes up from behind Cena. Cena picks him up in the F-U, but Ziggler saves him for some reason. Bo Dallas is now pounding away on Cena. That won’t end well for him. Here comes #20……..
#20 – Damien Sandow
Sandow goes right after Dallas and starts hammering on him. Rey is up on Barrett’s shoulders now and they fall out of the ring and both manage to stay in. Barrett gets up though and kicks Mysterio off the apron and he’s gone (elimination #13). Sheamus walks up behind Barrett and starts smashing his face in. Cena picks up Jericho in the F-U, but Jericho sneaks out of it and goes for the Walls Of Jericho. The crowd explodes for that one. And here comes #21……..
#21 – Daniel Bryan
Bryan is chanting “NO”, but the crowd is chanting “YES”. Bryan gets in the ring and starts kicking Sandon while the fans chant “YES”. Now he’s kicking Ziggler while the fans chant “YES”! Barrett comes over to get some and now he’s getting the shit kicked out of him. Daniel Bryan just gives no fucks and I would stay away from this guy. Big kick to the head takes out Barrett. Bryan lifts up Jericho and tries to throw him out, but Jericho hold on. Sheamus comes over to give him a hand, but Jericho still manages to hold on. Sheamus and Bryan start going at it now. And here comes #22……
#22 – Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro doesn’t get much of a reaction at all. That’s a shame. He’s one of the most talented in-ring workers the company has. He starts nailing Sheamus with some European Uppercuts. The crowd has broken out in a “Let’s go Cena/Cena sucks” chant. Barrett is hammering on Cena in the corner. Jericho has Sandow on the verge of elimination. European Uppercut to Dallas from Cesaro. Here comes another entrant…….
#23 – The Great Khali
Somehow this is Khali’s seventh Rumble match. SEVENTH RUMBLE MATCH. That’s amazing considering the guy has had trouble walking since the first one. Khlai gets in the ring and he’s worse than ever. Chop to Barrett. Chop to Sandow. Chop to Dallas. Headbutt to Jericho. Khali starts stomping on Jericho. Khali walks over and picks up Barrett and hits him with a punch. Cesaro has Sheamus on the verge of elimination. Headbutt to Bryan from Khali. And here comes #24……
#24 – Kane
Oh boy. Kane is in his 16th Royal Rumble and he’s here to fuck some shit up. He kicks Ziggler. Punches Jericho. Lifts Ziggler up and tries throwing him out, but Ziggler survives. Kane is now squaring off with Great Khali. Bryan comes over to get him some of both of those guys. Bad move buddy. Sandow lifts Sheamus over the ropes, but he’s manages to hang on. A headbutt from Khali sends Barrett down. The ring is really full and we are adding someone else to the mix……
#25 – Zack Ryder
I like Zack Ryder, but I don’t think he’s going to last very long here. Just a hunch. ZACK ATTACK TO ZIGGLER! Daniel Bryan and Kane work together and end up eliminating Khali so that helps get rid of some of the garbage (elimination #14). Bryan goes to throw Kane out and he’s gone now (elimination #15). Kane and Bryan are tag team partners at this point in time, so that’s not going to sit well with the Big Red Machine. Cesaro comes up from behind Bryan and dumps him, but he lands on the ring apron. Cesaro knocks Bryan off the ring apron, but he lands in Kane’s waiting arms. Kane now has a big decision on his hands. Bryan begs for mercy and goes to get back in, but Kane just lets him fall (elimination #16). And here comes #26…….
#26 – Randy Orton
Orton runs down and some shit is about to go down.Elbow to Barrett. Slam to Ziggler. Slam to Ryder. Uppercut to Dallas. He picks up Dallas and throws him out, but he lands on the ring apron. Orton grabs both Dallas and Ziggler and gives them a double DDT! RKO TO RYDER! Orton picks up Ryder and throws him out (elimination #17). Cesaro starts beating on Orton now. Barrett comes over to give him a hand. Here comes #27…….
#27 – Jinder Mahal
Mahal goes right after Sheamus. Cesaro has Cena up in the air and is trying to throw him out. Cena counters and tosses Cesaro out instead (elimination #18). Mahal is beating on Sheamus in the corner. Barrett comes over to get him some of Cena. Ziggler is still in this thing and Jericho is trying to get him out. Cena comes over and springboards Ziggler over the top rope and once again he survives. That guy has nine lives tonight. #28 is on their way down……
#28 – The Miz
The Miz and Cesaro start brawling on the outside of the ring. I don’t know what that’s about, but it’s not a good idea to start brawling with a guy BEFORE you get in the ring. Miz goes right after Ziggler as him and Cena beat on him. Sheamus has Mahal on the outside of the ring and gives him a big knee that sends him home for the night (elimination #19). Barrett runs over and starts attacking Sheamus from behind. Neckbreaker to Cena from Miz. Miz grabs Jericho and throws him into the corner. Ziggler is on the top rope now thanks to Orton. Here comes #29……..
#29 – Sin Cara
Sin Cara runs down and jumps on the ring apron. He kicks Ziggler in the head. Miz gets one as well. Sin Cara gets in the ring and starts hammering on Sandow now. Bo Dallas is still here and he’s going to work on Barrett. Dallas has Barrett by the neck and actually ends up eliminating him (elimination #20). Dallas is hyped and Barrett is in shock. Sheamus throws Sandow over the top rope, but he lands on the ring apron. Sin Cara kicks Dallas in the back and knocks him down. Jericho is now on the ring apron courtesy of Miz. Wade Barrett is a poor sport and grabs Bo Dallas and pulls him out of the ring (elimination #21). Barrett knocks Dallas out with an elbow at ringside. Here comes #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – Ryback
Ryback is hungry and needs to be fed. He throws Cena down by the throat. He picks up Sandow and just puts him on the ring apron. He charges him and eliminates him (elimination #22). Sin Cara comes over and starts kicking Ryback, but Ryback no-sells it. Sin Cara goes to the top rope and Ryback just swats him away. He picks up Sin Cara and throws him out of the ring and onto Sandow (elimination #23). Miz walks over and starts hitting Ryback, but Ryback just grabs him by the head and throws him out as well (elimination #24). CODEBREAKER TO RYBACK! Cena starts punching Jericho. Jericho gets Cena down! LIONSAULT TO CENA! Sheamus charges Jericho and Jericho gets him out, but he lands on the ring apron. Jericho with the springboard kick and Sheamus goes down! He’s still in this though! CODEBREAKER TO ZIGGLER! Ziggler goes flying! Everyone is down but Jericho! Jericho charges Ziggler and Ziggler backdrops him out. He lands on the apron though. Savate kick to Jericho gets him out for good though (elimination #25)! Sheamus and Orton are up while everyone else is down. They start brawling. Sheamus whips Orton into the corner, but he hits him with a clothesline. Orton starts working on Ryback now. Ryback charges Orton, but Orton moves. RKO TO ZIGGLER! Orton goes for the RKO on Sheamus, but Sheamus pushes him into Cena. RKO TO CENA! Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Orton dodges it. RKO TO SHEAMUS! Ryback is on the ring apron and Orton notices him. DDT ro Ryback! The fans give Orton a big round of applause. Orton hits the mat and he’s HYPED! He goes for the RKO on Ryback, but Ryback reverses it and clotheslines Orton out of the ring (elimination #26)! And we are down to the FINAL FOUR!
The Final Four:
Who wants it?????
Ryback walks over to Cena and Cena picks him up for the F-U, but Ryback escapes. Ryback pushes Cena into Ziggler. DDT to Cena! Sheamus walks over and picks Ziggler up and places him on the ring apron. Ziggler gives him a headbutt to the mid-section. BROGUE KICK TO ZIGGLER AND HE’S GONE (elimination #27)!!! All three remaining men are up now. Cena and Sheamus go after Ryback. Double suplex to Ryback. Cena and Sheamus have a stare down now. They look at the WrestleMania banner. Now they start brawling. Shoulderblock to Sheamus. Suplex to Sheamus. YOU CAN’T SEE ME! Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Ryback comes from out of nowhere and clothesline the hell out of Cena. Ryback says he’s going to finish it. Ryback goes for the Shell Shock, but Sheamus counters. WHITE NOISE TO RYBACK! Sheamus is up while the other two are down. Sheamis is jacked now. He’s hitting his chest. He goes for the Brogue Kick on Ryback, but Ryback moves and throws Sheamus out (elimination #28). It’s Ryback vs. Cena now! Ryback points at the WrestleMania banner. The crowd chants “FEED ME MORE” along with Ryback. Cena starts punching him! Cena goes off the ropes but Ryback nails him with a spinebuster! “FEED ME MORE” Drop toe hold to Ryback. STF TO RYBACK NOW!!! Ryback to his credit isn’t tapping. Instead he goes to sleep. See, submission holds can help in the Royal Rumble. Ryback is out cold. Cena rolls him over and goes to pick him up. Cena lifts him up and puts him on the top rope. Ryback awakes though. He jumps into Cena’s arms and gets him down. Now he’s bashing Cena’s head against the mat. He picks Cena up to throw him out, but Cena wiggles free and throws Ryback out instead! JOHN CENA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE ONCE AGAIN!!!!!!!
This one wasn’t a bad Royal Rumble. It also wasn’t really a memorable one either if you ask me. Unlike last year’s Rumble, this one had a lot of star power so that really helped. It also didn’t have half the goofiness that last year’s did either. Another big time bonus. Watch this one for the performances of Dolph Ziggler, Chris Jericho, & Sheamus. The rest is kind of meh. Mildly recommended.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: **