Strap in folks. This one is going to get interesting. I don’t know if I’m just getting crabby from watching all these damn Rumbles lately or what, but this one was really tough to get through. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did…..
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2012
Our first two entries are;
#1 – The Miz
#2 – Alex Riley
We are back to just 30 superstars this year because it’s the perfect number. Stop messing with shit Vince. You just piss everyone off when you do. Remember the 4-on-4 Survivor Series style matches for the Survivor Series that just vanished? Perfect example. Miz is #1 and he wants the microphone:
“Every Superstar in the back has been snickering at me all day. They think I’m really bothered by the fact that I’m the number one entry in the Royal Rumble match. They think it scares me. They think I’m intimidated by it. They don’t think I will make it to the end. But those are the same people, the same superstars, that told me me I would never main event WrestleMania. That I would never be in the main event. That I would never be in this ring a WWE champion. Every time they have denied me, I have went above and beyond and proved them wrong and tonight will be no different. I may be the first one out here. But I will be the last man standing. And I will go on to headline WrestleMania 28. Because I’m the Miz and I’m awesome.”
His old buddy Alex Riley is #2. Riley says he’s going to WrestleMania, but I’m betting only if he buys himself some tickets to the show. Miz stares at Riley and he’s not impressed. Riley wants a piece. Miz looks at the WrestleMania banner. There’s some motivation for you. Now they both look at the banner and the fight is on. Riley gets the advantage and hits Miz with a big clothesline. Miz goes down and Riley is hyped. Riley picks Miz up and tries to toss him out, but Miz escapes. Miz nails Riley with a boot to the face. Miz is now pounding on Riley in the corner and starts berating him. Riley has had enough and goes to throw Miz out and almost gets the job done. Miz manages to hold on though. Riley charges at Miz and Miz pulls the ropes down and Riley goes flying out (elimination #1). Better buy that WrestleMania ticket now guy. Miz holds up one finger and waves to the crowd. He waits for the next guy and he won’t be waiting long……
#3 – R-Truth
Truth runs in and takes the Miz down and starts beating on him. He runs at Miz, but Miz kicks him in the face. WHAT’S UP asks R-Truth? Truth goes to throw Miz out, but Miz lands on the ring apron. He comes back in the ring and goes for his finisher, but Truth escapes. Truth whips Miz into the ropes and kicks him in the mid-section. Truth goes for a suplex and nails it. He tries throwing Miz out, but Miz holds on again. Here comes #4……
#4 – Cody Rhodes
Rhodes runs down as Truth is still working on Miz. Rhodes goes off the ropes and hits Truth in the face with a kick. Rhodes gives Truth a suplex now. Rhodes picks up Truth and holds him as Miz beats on him. They are double-teaming Truth now. Truth lands on the ropes and Rhodes kicks him in the nuts. Rhodes points at the WrestleMania banner now. Miz goes to eliminate Cody, but Cody catches him and Miz acts like he wasn’t doing anything. Truth grabs Cody and sends him flying out, but he lands on the apron. Truth is now squaring off on both Rhodes and Miz. Miz turns things around and nails Truth with a neckbreaker though. And here comes #5…….
#5 – Justin Gabriel
Gabriel immediately goes to the top rope and nails Miz and Rhodes with a splash. Shoulder block to Miz. Gabriel picks up Rhodes and slams him down. Spinning heel kick to Miz now. Gabriel grabs Truth and hits him as well. Rhodes gets up and gets the advantage on Gabriel though. Rhodes is stomping on him in the corner. Miz has Truth in another corner and is beating on him. Rhodes and Gabriel are going back-and-forth. Here comes #6……
#6 – Primo
Primo enters and just jacks up Miz with a clothesline. Clothesline to Rhodes now. Clothesline to Gabriel. He puts Rhodes down again and hits him with a legdrop. Irish whip to Gabriel and Gabriel almost flips Primo out, but Primo grabs him in a headscissors and sends him flying. R-Truth with a spinning shoulderblock to Rhodes. Miz runs over and grabs Truth and throws him out (elimination #2). He proceeds to rub it in Truth’s face. Truth grabs Miz and pulls him out from under the rope and attacks him. Miz is out cold now. Back in the ring, Primo is working on Gabriel in the corner. And here comes another entrant…..
#7 – Mick Foley
Foley can barely run down to the ring, but he’s trying. He gets in the ring and nails Primo with a punch. Another punch to Primo. And a few more. The crowd breaks out in a “Foley” chant. Primo runs off the ropes and charges Foley and Mick just backdrops him out of the ring (elimination #3). Primo got some serious air there. Rhodes runs up behind and tries to throw Foley out. Now Foley and Rhodes are hitting each other. BANG BANG from Foley! Running knee into Rhodes’ head. Double-arm DDT to Rhodes! Foley tells Gabriel to give him a hand throwing out Cody. Here comes #8…….
#8 – Ricardo Rodriguez
Everyone thought it was Alberto Del Rio coming out, but it’s his ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez and he came out driving a real garbage car. The crowd breaks out in a “Ricardo” chant. He enters the ring and checks out Gabriel’s muscles. Foley and Gabriel tell Ricardo to beat on Rhodes. He does exactly that. He goes to attack Foley now, but Foley warns him. He tells him to attack Gabriel instead. Ricardo goes over to Gabriel and gets dropkicked in the face. Foley picks up Ricardo and Ricardo kicks Gabriel and starts attacking him with Foley’s blessing. Foley and Ricardo then pick Gabriel up and throw him out (elimination #4). Ricardo starts dancing around the ring. He claps Foley’s hands, but someone else is coming down now…….
#9 – Santino Marella
In case thing’s weren’t wacky enough, here comes Santino. He gets in the ring and Ricardo goes after him, but Santino breaks out the COBRA and Ricardo retreats. Ricardo charges Santino and Santino backdrops him. Atomic drop to Ricardo now. Another one. He picks up Ricardo and they do some wacky sommersault move all the way across the ring. Santino picks Ricardo up and gives him a huge wedgie and throws him out for good (elimination #5). Santino turns around and there’s Foley waiting for him. Both men end up breaking out their respective pets. It’s SOCKO vs. COBRA! Foley and Santino have a Mexican stand-off, but here comes #10…….
#10 – Epico
This guy’s not playing around. He goes after Santino and Santino hits him with the COBRA. He gets up and SOCKO TO EPICO! Foley dumps Epico right out of the ring with a mouthful of sock (elimination #6). Foley and Santino have a stare down again. This is fucking retarded. The socks lock up in the middle of the ring, but FINALLY the Miz and Rhodes are back up and they start beating on Foley and Santino. Rhodes grabs Santino and tosses him out (elimination #7). Foley gets up while Miz is stalking him. Foley is well aware though. SOCKO TO MIZ! He tries throwing Miz out with a moutful of sock as well, but Rhodes runs over and dumps Foley (elimination #8)! It’s now Rhodes vs. Miz, one-on-one! Not for long though because here comes #11……
#11 – Kofi Kingston
Kofi runs down and goes right after both guys. Kofi is in complete control at the moment. Big kick to Miz in the corner! Kofi goes to the top rope. Double clothesline! Kofi is hyped folks! BIG LEGDROP TO MIZ AND RHODES! He grabs Miz and tries throwing him out, but Miz holds on. Rhodes is up now and he dropkicks Kofi in the face. Rhodes picks up Kofi and tries throwing him out now. Miz comes over for the assist. Here comes #12…..
#12 – Jerry “The King” Lawler
Lawler is doing commentary at ringside and he’s a surprise entrant. He takes off his headset and jumps in the ring. Rhodes immediately grabs him and holds him for Miz. Miz goes to hit him, but Lawler moves and he hits Rhodes instead. Lawler punches Miz. Now he’s just punching the shit out of both guys. Cole asks Booker if he can imagine Lawler main eventing WrestleMania and he says he can, and he can also imagine Lawler as WWE champion. Someone drug test that guy ASAP. Lawler picks up Miz and slams him down. He’s going to the top rope now. His strap goes down. ROYAL FIST DROP TO MIZ! Rhodes runs over and throws Lawler out though (elimination #9). Rhodes points at the WrestleMania banner now and goes back to stomping on Kofi. Here comes lucky #13…….
#13 – Ezekiel Jackson
Michael Cole is going off on a rant about how no announcers should ever enter the Royal Rumble, so I expect him to enter tonight at some point. Jackson grabs Rhodes by the throat and throws him into the ropes. Clothesline to Miz. Big clothesline to Kofi now. Clothesline to Miz as well. He picks up Rhodes and gives him a body slam. Miz is now getting kicked in the corner courtesy of Jackson. Jackson picks up Kofi and hits him on the back. He throws Kofi into the corner and gives him a side slam. Rhodes is now getting punished by Jackson in the corner. And here comes another entrant…..
#14 – Jinder Mahal
This crowd is so quiet for this guy’s entrance, you can hear a spider fart. He takes his time getting down to the ring as well. HURRY IT UP BUDDY! Mahal gets in the ring and ducks Jackson’s shot and hits Kofi with a knee to the face. Mahal is now pounding on Kofi. Miz starts pounding on Jackson. Mahal’s entrance took so long that it’s already time for someone else to come out……
#15 – The Great Khali
Seriously? This guy is still around and walking? Color me shocked. Everyone in the ring awaits Khali’s entrance. CHOP TO RHODES! CHOP TO MIZ! CHOP TO KOFI! CHOP TO MAHAL! He picks up Mahal and throws him out (elimination #10). Thanks for coming jack ass. Jackson starts swinging on Khali now. CHOP TO JACKSON! A clothesline sends Jackson out of the ring (elimination #11). Khali starts stomping on Miz now. Rhodes picks up Kofi and tries to piledrive him, but Kofi counters and sends him flying out of the ring. He lands on the apron though. Here comes #16……
#16 – Hunico
I have no idea who this dude is, but he comes out on a lowrider bike. He hits Kofi with a splash off the rope and starts beating on him. Dropkick to Miz now. Neckbreaker to Rhodes. Khali gives Hunico a big chop and starts stepping on his throat. My guess is that probably really hurts. Kofi is trying to eliminate Miz and Khali comes over and gives him a headbutt. Khali wants the recognition of eliminating Miz and now he’s trying. And here comes #17……
#17 – Booker T
Booker T is also doing commentary at ringside and he’s in the Rumble. Once again, Michael Cole is in shock. Booker goes right after Rhodes and he’s hitting anyone in sight now. Booker and Khali have a stare down. Headbutt to Booker. Booker stumbles backwards and Khali starts hammering on him. The crowd is chanting “Booker T” now. Big chop to Rhodes from Khali. Booker and Khali are now double-teaming Rhodes. Kofi almost gets eliminated, but he grabs Miz by the head and tries throwing him out instead. Miz escapes and kicks Kofi off the ring apron. Kofi’s hands land on the ground, but his feet remain on the apron! Miz grabs Kofi’s feet and throws them off the apron. KOFI DOES A HAND STAND ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE RING STEPS THOUGH AND STAYS IN!!! Just in time for #18……
#18 – Dolph Ziggler
Dolph is here with Vickie Guerrero. I miss her. Dolphi goes right after Kofi and starts pounding on him. Khali slams Miz’s head into the turnbuckle. Booker grabs Hunico and throws him over, but he holds on for some reason. Dolph and Cody are double-teaming Kofi. Booker starts chopping Hunico and gives him a big kick to the face. Khali grabs Dolph and hits him with a headbutt. Here comes #19……
#19 – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
This guy is back. This is a weird Rumble. Duggan starts hitting everyone. The place is going off the rails. You know the story. Big “U.S.A.” chant. Duggan throws Hunico into the ropes and gives him a big clothesline. He knocks Miz and Rhodes’s noggins together. Duggan starts hitting Rhodes in the mid-section with some headbutts. Not for long though as Rhodes gets the advantage and eliminates Duggan with a clothesline (elimination #12). Better luck next year buddy. Rhodes celebrates to the crowd. Khali has Booker on the verge of elimination. Rhodes and Ziggler walk over and eliminate the both of them (eliminations #13 & #14). They are gone, but someone else is on their way down……
#20 – Michael Cole
Oh god. I told you. Cole is at the announce booth and now he’s in the Rumble. He puts on his wrestling gear, which is stupid by the way. Cole gets in the ring and points at the WrestleMania banner. He gloats to the crowd. He’s not doing anything because everyone else in the ring is currently busy. Cole is avoiding all contact. Here comes #21 though…..
#21 – Kharma
OH SNAP!!!!! Kharma only becomes the third woman in history to make a Royal Rumble appearance. I was so disappointed in her WWE run. I had big expecatations (and the WWE did as well) for her and they all fell to the wayside. Cole is now crying and he’s not happy. Would you be? Clothesline to Cole! Kharma is now stalking him. Cole just runs over the top rope and begs for mercy. Booker and Lawler runs over and pull him off the apron (elimination #15). This is such a stupid Royal Rumble. Ziggler grabs Kharma and tells her to leave. She picks him up and SLAMS HIM! Now Vickie is on the apron yelling at Kharma. She runs once Kharma approaches her. Kharma picks up Hunico and throws him out of the ring (elimination #16). Ziggler runs over and dumps Kharma out though (elimination #17). That’s what the WWE does with women in the Rumble. They eliminate one person and then they get dumped. It’s happened every time. Here comes #22……
#22 – Sheamus
Sheamus runs in and drops everyone. Not just once either, but like three times. Atomic drop to Rhodes! Kofi kicks Sheamus and whips him into the corner. Kofi kicks him in the head. Sheamus just picks up Kofi though and drops him out of the ring (elimination #18). There’s no coming back from that kind of elimination I’m afraid. Sheamus starts beating on Miz now. Now he’s punishing Rhodes and just clobbering his chest. He walks over to Miz and gives him the same treatment as the fans count it down. Ziggler runs up behind Sheamus, but he just gets brushed off. It’s time for #23…….
#23 – “Road Dogg” Jesse James
OH YOU DIDN’T KNOW??? YOUR ASS BETTER CALL SOMEBODY!!!! Road Dogg is here and the fans are jacked! He starts beating on Rhodes and Miz. He does his signature dance/punch combination to the both of them and the fans are eating it up. SHAKE RATTLE & ROLL TO RHODES! PUMP HANDLE SLAM TO MIZ!! Rhodes’ head gets whacked into the turnbuckle now. The fans chant “You still got it” at Road Dogg. Sheamus is beating on Ziggler in the corner as Road Dogg whips Rhodes into the other corner. And here comes #24……
#24 – Jey Uso
Uso enters the ring and immeidately hits Road Dogg with a spinning shoulderblock and then mocks his dance. Savate kick to Miz from Uso. Back kick to Road Dogg sends him into the corner. Uso goes over and starts stomping on Miz. Ziggler is now barely hanging on thanks to Sheamus, but Rhodes comes over to give him a hand. Sheamus nails Rhodes with a big elbow. Road Dogg and Ziggler are squaring off now. #25 is on their way down to the ring now……
#25 – Jack Swagger
Swagger enters the ring and does the usual “KNOCK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE” that everyone else does. Swagger hits Sheamus with a belly to belly and starts beating on him. He’s now choking Sheamus with his boot. Road Dogg and Miz are trading blows and Rhodes comes over to give Miz a hand while Road Dogg is looking to tag out. Billy Gunn isn’t here buddy. Swagger picks up Uso and has him on the verge of elimination. Face buster to Ziggler from Rhodes. And here comes #26………
#26 – Wade Barrett
Barrett was in the Final Four last year. Let’s see what he has in store for an encore. Well, he manages to eliminate the Road Dogg pretty quickly so that’s a start (elimination #19). Barrett goes over and starts stomping on Rhodes now. Sheamus and Barrett are trading punches. Barrett goes to slam Sheamus’ head against the turnbuckle, but Sheamus counters. Here comes #27……
#27 – David Otunga
Otunga is here to help save this Rumble. Let’s see it if works. So far, it’s not. The ring is getting pretty full. Otunga goes right after Rhodes and starts hammering on him. Ziggler is barely hanging on thanks to Barrett. Now Barrett walks over and starts slugging away on Otunga. Barrett is trying to toss Otunga out. Rhodes nails Uso with a big clothesline. And here comes #28…….
#28 – Randy Orton
Finally someone is here to add a little pizazz to this otherwise dull Rumble. Orton gets a HUGE reaction from the crowd. They must be as bored as I’m with the “star power” in this Rumble. Orton punches Miz. Punches Swagger. He lands on Barrett and starts punching the hell out of his face. Now he slams Sheamus. Orton IS PUMPED! Rhodes comes up from behind and stops the Orton train. Orton goes to throw him out, but Rhodes goes through the middle rope. Ziggler comes over to give Rhodes a hand and now Orton has them both in the DDT position. DOUBLE DDT TO RHODES AND ZIGGLER! Uso grabs Orton and that was a big mistake because Randy just throws him out (elimination #20). RKO TO BARRETT! Orton picks up Barrett and throws him out as well (elimination #21). Orton starts working on Miz now. Here comes #29…….
#29 – Chris Jericho
Jericho is here with his flashy jacket. He goes right after Orton. Jericho starts hitting everyone. He grabs Otunga and tosses him out (elimination #22). Now he starts pounding away on Ziggler. Big kick to Ziggler. Rhodes and Miz start double-teaming Orton now. It’s impressive how long those two have been in the ring. Swagger has Sheamus on the verge of elimination. Ziggler kicks Jericho in the mid-section. Miz is on the brink of elimination thanks to Orton. Here comes #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – Big Show
YAAAAAAAAAAAWWWNNNNNN. Perhaps no one in WWE history has been more disappointing in Royal Rumbles than the Big Show. For a guy his size and the luck of the draw he gets, he should have won at least 5 of these things by now. But no, he’s winless and that streak will continue here. Sheamus has Swagger on the verge of elimination and Show runs up and helps him finish the job (elimination #23). Swagger pushes Show and Show punches him with a big right. Show gets in the ring and everyone is getting headbutts. Show grabs both Miz and Rhodes by the throat and throws them both out (eliminations #24 & #25)! Those two were easily the highlight of this Royal Rumble. It’s a shame they went out courtesy of the Big Show. Ziggler comes up behind Show and he gets a big chop. Show dumps him out of the ring as well (elimination #26), AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR! THIS THING COULDN’T END SOON ENOUGH!
The Final Four:
Who wants it?????
All four men are in a corner. The crowd is chanting for “Y2J” so it’s obvious who they are supporting. That’s pretty sad considering we are in Randy Orton’s hometown. All three men smartly decide to attack Big Show first. He’s fighting them all off though. He whips Jericho into the ropes and hits him with a splash. CHOKESLAM TO JERICHO! Sheamus comes up from behind Show and hits him. RKO TO BIG SHOW! Sheamus picks up Show along with Orton. They get him over to the ropes and Show shoves Sheamus, but Orton manages to eliminate Show (elimination #27). Told you that guy was a huge disappointment in these things. Jericho runs up behind Orton and throws him out (elimination #28)! And the crowd goes nuts for that! It’s now Jericho vs. Sheamus! Sheamus looks up at the WrestleMania banner. Jericho points at it in case we need reminding. The two have a stare down for a good minute. Sheamus finally starts pounding away on Jericho. He whips Jericho into the ropes, but Jericho counters. Jericho goes for a bulldog, but Sheamus shoves him into the corner and goes for the elimination. Jericho is hanging on by a thread. Sheamus is trying his best to get Jericho out, but Jericho fights back. Big dropkick off the top rope from Jericho! Huge “Y2J” chant from the crowd now. Jericho is kicking Sheamus who’s just hanging against the ropes. Jericho charges Sheamus, but Sheamus reverses it into the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus starts posing. He picks up Jericho and goes for a powerbomb to eliminate him, but Jericho sneaks off. A big clothesline sends Sheamus flying out of the ring, but he manages to hang on. Springboard dropkick from Jericho sends Sheamus landing hard onto the ring apron. Sheamus is almost out, but he’s barely hanging on. Jericho runs over and is trying to get Sheamus out. Sheamus kicks Jericho and stands back up. Jericho runs at Sheamus now and Sheamus jumps over the top rope and hits Jericho with a shoulder block. Sheamus is now beating on Jericho. Sheamus picks Jericho up to throw him out. Jericho manages to get back in again though. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Jericho ducks and gets Sheamus in the WALLS OF JERICHO! Sheamus crawls over to the ropes, but it doesn’t matter because it’s the Royal Rumble. Jericho lets go and starts posing. Sheamus stands back up and Jericho charges him, but Sheamus moves and backdrops Jericho out of the ring. Jericho lands on the ring apron though and his feet are almost touching the ground. Sheamus walks over to finish the job, but Jericho bashes his head against the turnbuckle. Jericho goes to the top rope and tries to suplex Sheamus. Sheamus counters and headbutts Jericho as the two fight on the top rope. Both men end up hitting each other and falling at the same time, however they land back in the ring. CODEBREAKER TO SHEAMUS! Jericho goes for the pin. HAHAHAHA! Jericho starts pounding away on Sheamus now. Big kick to Sheamus’ face. Jericho punches Sheamus and gets him against the ropes. He’s trying to throw him out and once again Sheamus is on the brink of elimination. Jericho starts hitting Sheamus with some big shots that end up just pissing him off. He grabs Jericho by the throat and throws him. He goes for the Brogue Kick, but Jericho dodges it. Jericho goes for the Codebreaker again, but Sheamus catches him and dumps him out of the ring. Once again Jericho manages to hang on though. Jericho pulls himself back up to the ring apron. BROGUE KICK TO JERICHO AND HE FALLS OUT OF THE RING (elimination #29)! SHEAMUS WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!
Look, this was not a good Royal Rumble. There was way too much wackiness and just outright ridiculous stuff going on for almost the entire match. The match also really lacked star power and you can tell the WWE was hurting around this time when freaking Sheamus wins the damn thing. The thing that saves this from being the worst Rumble ever is the performances of The Miz and Cody Rhodes as well as the ending between Jericho & Sheamus. Other than that, highly recommend avoiding this one.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: *