The Royal Rumble Review rolls along with a look at the 2009 Royal Rumble. Last year John Cena returned to the WWE and surprised everyone by winning the Rumble. What did the WWE have in store for an encore?
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2009
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Rey Mysterio Jr.
#2 – John Morrison
We’ve had some really extremely shitty Rumbles as of late. Will this one get the tide turned around? Let’s hope so. Rey Mysterio gets #1 because he’s another guy who has real bad luck when drawing numbers. He won the thing in 2006 but I’m willing to bet a million dollars he’s not winning this year. He makes sure to point at the WrestleMania banner because that’s the thing to do now. Morrison is #2 and he’s wearing a jacket that looks like he stole it straight out of Steve Cook’s closet. He has a pretty cool entrance that features some slo-mo and his hair waving in the wind. None of us reading this will ever look that cool. Rey and Morrison go face-to-face and Rey starts kicking him. Morrison whips him into the ropes, but Rey counters with a kick to the face. Some fancy maneuvering has Rey up on Morrison’s shoulders now and Morrison tosses him out of the ring. Mysterio stays on the ring apron though as Morrison tries kicking him off. Rey is already in trouble, but he fights his way back in. He hits Morrison with a springboard body splash. A flying head scissors to Morrison now. Morrison is on the brink of elimination and Rey goes bouncing off the ropes and kicks him. Morrison barely hangs on! Here comes #3…….
#3 – Carlito
Carlito is here to spit in the face of people who have no desire to be cool. He starts beating on both Mysterio and Morrison. Rey gets the advantage on Carlito, but Carlito turns things around with a swinging neckbreaker. Morrison comes over and grabs Carlito and tries throwing him out. Carlito hangs on though and does a fancy moonsault off the ropes onto Morrison! I don’t care what anyone says, when he was motivated, Carlito was an awesome worker. It’s just too bad he wasn’t motivated that often. Carlito grabs Rey and tries throwing him out, but Rey escapes. Morrison gets up and nails Carlito now. Morrison is trying to eliminate Rey and just picks him up instead. Here comes #4…….
#4 – MVP
MVP hits Carlito with a clothesline. And he just starts nailing everyone in the ring. Body slam to Morrison. Now he’s posing and goes for a fancy little elbow dancing maneuver on Morrison, but Rey tries breaking it up. Rey gets hit for sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong and MVP finishes the elbow. Carlito runs up behind MVP and hits him. MVP counters though. He grabs Morrison and nails his head against the turnbuckle. Morrison counters and goes off the ropes and tries kicking MVP in the face, but he ducks and Morrison hits Carlito instead! MVP wallops Morrison with a boot to the face. He grabs Rey and throws him into the ropes, but Rey counters. Rey goes off the top rope and hits MVP with a flying headscissors that sends him flying. Kick to the face of MVP now. And here comes another entrant…….
#5 – Great Khali
Jim Ross says “BUSINESS HAS PICKED UP”, but I don’t know. This dude can barely walk. If I were the guys in the ring, I would just kick him in the knees and watch him fold like a lawn chair. It takes Khali 15 minutes to get to the ring and everyone is scared and just staring at him. He gets in and just starts beating everyone. He throws Rey. Clothesline to Carlito. Chop to MVP. He grabs Morrison and just tosses him. Now he’s posing to the crowd. Rey goes off the top rope, but that does nothing. Carlito is behind Khali and goes for the BACKSTABBER, but Khali just brushes him off. He grabs Carlito by the throat. PUNJABI PLUNGE TO CARLITO! Here comes #6…….
#6 – Vladimir Kozlov
This dude heads down and he looks like someone just pissed in his Cheerio’s. Khali is waiting for him and is actually begging him to get into the ring. Kozlov gets grabbed immediately by Khali. Kozlov kicks Khali though. He gets Khali against the ropes and clotheslines him out of the ring (elimination #1)! This guy is definitely going to be the next big thing in the WWE. No doubt about it. Morrison is on the top rope and tries jumping on Kozlov, but he just shoves him. MVP comes up from behind and he’s slugging Kozlov. He’s getting the job done, but he charges Kozlov with a boot and the big guy moves. He grabs MVP and just throws him over (elimination #2). Now he grabs Carlito and throws him over, but Carlito lands on the ring apron. Kozlov charges him, but Carlito hits him with an elbow that dazes him. Headbutt to the mid-section and Carlito jumps off the ropes right into the arms of Kozlov. He gets a spinebuster for that. Kozlov picks Carlito up and tosses him out (elimination #3). Rey is up and starts trading blows with Kozlov now. Here comes another entrant…..
#7 – Triple H
HHH is here and he’s not fucking around. Kozlov and HHH have a stare-down from the moment HHH walks down. Rey and Morrison are out of it, so it’s Kozlov vs. HHH! They square off and Kozlov just runs right into HHH and knocks him down. HHH gets the advantage though and hits him with a knee. SUCK IT TO KOZLOV! He grabs the big Russian and throws him out (elimination #4)! Morrison comes up from behind HHH and starts attacking him. He gets HHH in the corner and starts walking him over. Here comes #8……
#8 – Randy Orton
Orton and HHH have a stare-down as Orton walks down to the ring. HHH apparently likes fighting people with his eyes before his fists. It’s kind of weird if you ask me. Orton and HHH are going at it and IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Orton whips HHH into the ropes, but grabs him halfway through and nails him with a neckbreaker. He’s now stalking HHH. He goes for the RKO, but HHH counters. He grabs Orton and goes for the Pedigree, but Morrison comes off the ropes and kicks HHH in the face. Rey jumps off the ropes and lands right on Orton with a butt splash! Now Morrison and Rey are going at it again. Rey whips Morrison into the ropes and 619 TO MORRISON! Now everyone is out and laying down. Just in time for someone else to join the party……
#9 – Cryme Tyme
Both members of Cryme Tyme come out, but they both can’t get in the ring, so they flip a coin. JTG apparently wins the coin toss, which is kind of dumb because you think they would have wanted Shad to be the one going in since he’s like twice the size of JTG. Shad was apparently tricked by JTG because it was a two-headed coin. JTG goes right after everyone. He’s not afraid of anyone. Neckbreaker to Morrison. Now JTG has HHH in the corner and goes for the elimination. HHH gets back in and starts beating on JTG though. He picks up Morrison to and knocks their heads together. Mysterio is on the verge of elimination thanks to Orton. He manages to sneak back in the ring though, just in time for #10…….
#10 – Ted DiBiase
Ted DiBiase’s dad was pretty good at Royal Rumbles, will the apple fall far from the tree? HHH is punching Orton in the corner. DiBiase gets in and starts punching anyone in his way. HHH has Orton on the brink of elimination now. Morrison and JTG are throwing punches at each other. DiBiase runs over and clotheslines them both out of the ring. They both manage to hang on though and are kicking each other while trying to get back in the ring. And they’re back in! And just like that, DiBiase and Mysterio almost go out on the other side, but they also manage to hold on. Mysterio is trying his best to get DiBiase out, but I don’t see it happening. Orton and HHH are now choking each other. Rey comes sliding into the ring and nails DiBiase right in the nuts. Hopefully the “Million Dollar Man” doesn’t have plans of being a grandpa. Here comes #11…….
#11 – Chris Jericho
Jericho is here and he doesn’t look amused. He goes right after DiBiase. And then tries clotheslining Orton out of the ring and has him on the brink of elimination. Jericho now starts stomping on JTG. He tries tossing him out as well. HHH gets a bulldog courtesy of Jericho. Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but HHH moves and Jericho lands on his feet instead. HHH goes for the Pedigree, but that gets reversed into the WALLS OF JERICHO! Nope! HHH kicks Jericho away. HHH goes to throw Jericho out, but he holds on for dear life. Rey comes over to give HHH a hand as Jericho is barely holding on. And here comes another entrant……
#12 – Mike Knox
Jim Ross says that Mike Knox is psychotic, so this should be fun. He kicks Rey Mysterio in the head and starts beating on JTG. Big splash to JTG now. Clothesline to Morrison. Now Knox starts beating on Mysterio again because apparently they have beef. Knox is choking Mysterio with his boot in the corner. Knox picks Mysterio up and tries throwing him out, HHH comes over to get him some of Knox. The ring is getting really full and that shows when guys start running into each other on accident. Here comes lucky #13…….
#13 – The Miz
Miz slides in and punches JTG. Then he punches DiBiase. Jericho has Rey and is trying to suplex him out of the ring. Miz runs over and nails Mysterio with a clothesline. Morrison and Miz starts teaming up on Orton and hit him with a double-team move. Miz goes to hit Orton in the corner, but he moves. RKO TO MORRRISON!!!! Miz runs over to help out. RKO TO MIZ!!!! RKO TO JTG!!!!!! WHO ELSE WANTS ONE???? PEDIGREE TO ORTON!!!!!! HHH picks up Morrison and just darts him into the Miz and they both go sailing out of the ring (eliminations #5 )!!! Just in time for #14 to come down…….
#14 – Finlay
Finlay heads down to the ring and Rey Mysterio gets tossed out. However, he apparently gets some luck of the Irish, because he walks on Morrison and Miz and manages to get back in the ring. That was actually pretty cool. Finlay gets in the ring and starts beating on everyone BECAUSE HE LOVES TO FIGHT! Big kneedrop to HHH! Now Finlay runs over and sits on HHH’s chest. Jericho is barely hanging on as Finlay and Mysterio are trying to toss his ass out. Finlay and Knox start throwing blows. Watch out Finlay. That dude is psychotic. Jim Ross mentions that Finlay has hit everyone in the ring at least once. That’s because the dude LOVES TO FIGHT! He picks up DiBiase and has him balancing on the ropes, but Orton comes over for the save. Here comes #15…….
#15 – Cody Rhodes
Cody Rhodes is here which means all 3 members of Legacy are now in the ring. Rhodes, Orton, and DiBiase immediately band together. They go right after JTG. Now they start beating on HHH. Finlay comes over to get him some and now they start beating on him. These guys are unstoppable as a threesome. Legacy is just beating on everyone. Mysterio comes off the top rope to stop the beatdown, but RKO TO MYSTERIO!!!!! And here comes another entrant…….
#16 – The Undertaker
BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!!! The lights go out and here comes the DEADMAN! Everyone in the ring has stopped and are staring at the entrance ramp. Taker starts beating on everyone. These guys don’t stand a chance. Big chant for “Undertaker” now. He grabs JTG and eliminates him (elimination #7). That wouldn’t have happened to Shad. Taker starts beating on Rhodes now. He headbutts Jericho. He starts beating on DiBiase and Orton now. HHH gets a punch for good measure. Undertaker isn’t scared of shit. He whips Rhodes into the corner and then gives him a snake eyes. Here comes another victim……
#17 – Goldust
Goldust goes right after DiBiase and gets him down. Cody comes over and now Goldust and Cody have a face-off. Goldust slaps his little brother! They start going at it! Goldust picks him up and tries throwing him out, but Cody hangs on. Cody headbutts Goldust in the mid-section. He gets back in the ring, but Goldust hits him with a big right! Goldust suplexes Cody out of the ring again, but once again he manages to land on the ring apron. Cody gets back in and gets punched. RKO TO GOLDUST FROM OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!! Orton tells Cody to get up. He wants him to throw Goldust out. Cody does just that (elimination #8). Orton stares at Cody and they shake hands. Here comes #18……
#18 – C.M. Punk
Punk leaps in the ring and gives DiBiase and Rhodes a double clothesline! Jericho gets a big knee to the face! Kick to the head of DiBiase! Knee to the face of Mysterio! Knee to the face of Jericho! Bulldog to Jericho as well! HHH kicks Punk in the mid-section and goes for the Pedigree. Punk counters though! GTS TO HHH!!!!!! DiBiase and Orton have Jericho on the verge of elimination. Undertaker is just walking around daring a mother fucker to try him. Finlay is up for the challenge. Here comes #19……
#19 – Mark Henry
Someone about to get they ass kicked. Henry is jazzed up folks. He starts running down to the ring and if I were in the ring, I would run. Henry starts beating on everyone. Even Undertaker doesn’t stand a chance against Henry right now. He gets a massive clothesline. Henry starts beating on Punk in the corner and just starts stepping on his chest. HHH goes over to get him some of Henry. Henry picks HHH up and slams him down. That’ll show you. Punk leaps off the top rope onto Henry, and he gets slammed in the corner. Here comes another entrant…….
#20 – Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin is still around at this point. The good news for him is that Shawn Michaels isn’t here to kick him out of the ring like the two previous Rumbles. Benjamin goes right after DiBiase. Now he’s pounding away on Finlay. Jericho and Punk are now fighting on the top rope. That’s not exactly where you want to be. Benjamin runs over and grabs both of them and hits them with a top rope neckbreaker. This dude was amazing and should have been the WWE champion. Big kick to Henry from Shelton now. HHH grabs Punk and tries throwing him over, but Punk holds on. And we are getting another entrant……
#21 – William Regal
YES!!! William Regal rules. Regal goes right after Punk and you can sign me up for that fight any-day, every-day. Suplex to Punk from Regal and Regal is shouting at him to get up. Regal is just relentless on Punk right now. Undertaker is bleeding for some reason. What a show off. While I was distracted by Undertaker’s blood, Mysterio managed to sneakily eliminate Mark Henry from the Rumble (elimination #9). There are still a lot of people in this ring. We need someone to start clearing this thing. Will it be #22?…….
#22 – Kofi Kingston
Nope. Kofi is always fun to watch in Rumbles though, so I’ll let him slide. He nails DiBiase with a big shot and then follows that up with a big dropkick to Punk. Swinging neckbreaker to Knox. Legdrop to Knox now. Jericho hates Kofi and comes up from behind and hits him. Knox and Undertaker are squaring off in the ring. Jerry Lawler finally points out that the ring is full as well. C’MON GUYS!!! START THROWING SOME PEOPLE OUT!!! Undertaker throws Shelton down with a big chokeslam from the top. He picks him up and tosses him (elimination #10). Rey is barely hanging on at the moment as well. Jericho is doing his best to throw him out. Here comes #23……
#23 – Kane
OK. Some people are getting tossed now. Kane starts hitting every one of course. He whips Rhodes into the ropes and gives him a big boot. Kane and Undertaker are now facing off. They decide to team up. This means bad news for everyone else. DOUBLE CHOKESLAM TO DIBIASE!!!!! CHOKESLAM TO KOFI!!!! Undertaker grabs Jericho and throws him through the middle ropes. Punk and Regal are going at it again and Punk manages to eliminate Regal (elimination #11). Regal wants back in and Punk welcomes the challenge. And here comes another guy……
#24 – R-Truth
This guy sucks. Truth goes after Rhodes. Punk and Truth start battling now. Truth hits HHH with some weird spinning leg kick type thing. Kane is on the verge of elimination thanks to like 5 different guys. He sneaks back in though. Punk is trying to suplex Finlay out of the ring, but that doesn’t work. Undertaker hits Orton with a big right hand. Here comes #25……..
#25 – Rob Van Dam
Rob Van Dam is apparently making a comeback to the WWE. The fans are hyped. BIG KICK TO KANE! RVD doesn’t give a fuck right now and is hitting everyone. Big “RVD” chant from the crowd! Knox finally ends RVD’s run, but not for long. RVD hits Punk with a kick off the ropes. Spinning legdrop to Truth now. RVD goes to the top rope! HHH charges RVD, but he just jumps over him. And here comes #26……
#26 – The Brian Kendrick
HHH gets kicked in the face by RVD and he falls right on top of R-Truth in a 69 position. DOUBLE ROLLING THUNDER TO THOSE GUYS! RVD picks up Mysterio and they hit Truth with a double legdrop. And just like that, Kofi Kingston gets thrown out (elimination #12). Unfortunately we haven’t arrived at the time where Kingston always does something sneaky to get back in the ring. Apparently Kendrick is the one who threw out Kingston. HHH grabs Kendrick and tries throwing him out, but the little guy just bounces off the middle rope. HHH grabs him again and throws him out on the other side of the ring (elimination #13). The ring is still really full though. Some of these guys really don’t need to be in there anymore (LOOKING AT YOU R-TRUTH). Let’s add another guy to this mix…..
#27 – Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is hyped, but you know who doesn’t care about that kind of stuff? Kane. Ziggler accidentally runs right into Kane and tries a peace-offering. Kane grabs Ziggler’s hand and just throws him out of the ring (elimination #14). Well, that guy doesn’t have much of a future. Jericho runs up behind Kane and tries tossing him out with the help of Finlay. Mysterio is somehow still in the ring, but he’s on the brink of elimination thanks to Punk. Punk is now on the shoulders of Rhodes and Rhodes just drops him. Undertaker and HHH are squaring off in the corner of the ring. And here comes #28…….
#28 – Santino Marella
Santino gets in the ring and is immediately clotheslined out by Kane (elimination #15)! Santino wants a re-do because he wasn’t ready yet. HAHAHAHA! Kane grabs Punk up and goes to throw him out, but Punk is holding on. Kane eventually just drops Punk’s head onto the turnbuckle. Finlay comes over and tries eliminating Kane. Jericho is punching Undertaker in the corner, and that’s a dangerous spot to be in. Here comes #29……
#29 – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Oh boy. Duggan won the first ever Royal Rumble, but I don’t see him pulling off a miracle here. Either way, Duggan goes after everyone and he doesn’t give a shit. He just starts punching both Undertaker and Kane and knocks them both down! Duggan is UNSTOPPABLE! Duggan and Finlay are going at it now. Duggan has literally hit everyone in the ring now. HOOOOOOOO!!!!! It’s time for #30 and of course it’s……..
#30 – Big Show
You would think the Big Show getting #30 would be devastating for everyone in the ring, but we all know how this is going to go. On a sidenote, we’ve hit #30 and half the participants are still in the ring. UGH! Show takes his sweet ass time getting to the ring. Everyone in the ring is staring at him and awaiting his arrival. He gets in the ring and goes right after Undertaker. They have a staredown, which is a theme of this Rumble. Kane walks over and punches Show in the face. Now they are battling. Duggan wants some of Show. He starts punching him. He goes to throw Show out, but that doesn’t work of course. Show hits Duggan with an elbow and then throws the old man out (elimination #16). Jericho jumps on the back of Show which probably isn’t the best idea. Show pays him back with a side suplex. Punk almost goes out of the ring, but he slides back in. WHY IS R-TRUTH STILL HERE???? Kane grabs DiBiase and tries throwing him out, but he survives. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Big Show must have heard me because he picks R-Truth up and just tosses him out (elimination #17). Do that to Mike Knox as well please. Undertaker goes to toss Rhodes, but he sneaks back in. Show grabs Punk and throws him out, but he gets back in as well. He starts kicking Show in the face, and Show grabs him and tries throwing him out again. Once again, Punk holds on though. Punk goes to the top rope and jumps back in the ring. Show grabs him again and tosses him out, but yep….Punk holds on. Show walks over and hits him with a big right hand and that finally finishes the job (elimination #18). Show runs over and hits Kane and knocks him down now. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but somehow Mysterio and Knox both get eliminated (eliminations #19 & #20). Really? Mysterio is in the ring that long and he gets an elimination like that? Lame. Hornswoggle is in the ring now for some reason. He walks over to Kane who’s laying unconscious. Kane grabs Hornswoggle by the throat. This isn’t going to end well. Finlay runs over and Kane lets go of Hornswoggle and grabs Finlay by the throat instead. CHOKESLAM TO FI….NO! Finlay reverses it! Hornswoggle runs out of the ring and in a funny moment, Undertaker tries to give him a little kick as he’s escaping. Kane goes for a clothesline on Finlay, but Finlay moves. Finlay charges Kane, but Kane backdrops him out of the ring (elimination #21). Undertaker has DiBiase and Rhodes in the corner and is just beating on them. Jericho hits Kane with a CODEBREAKER! RVD comes off the top and hits Show with a kick. Orton and HHH are once again squaring off. HHH is on the verge of elimination, but he’s holding on. DDT to HHH! Orton and HHH are now both out. Undertaker and Big Show are ONCE AGAIN having a staredown. They go at it and start trading blows. Jericho comes up from behind Show and ends that fun. He gets a headbutt for good measure. FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH TO ORTON!!! RVD gets up and Jericho throws him out though (elimination #22)! The crowd didn’t like that, but Jericho just laughs. He’s not laughing for long though because Undertaker is waiting behind him. Undertaker whips Jericho into the ropes. CODEBREAKER TO UNDERTAKER! Undertaker goes reeling against the ropes and Jericho charges him. Taker moves though and throws Jericho out (elimination #23)! Legacy is still in this thing. They should team up and just throw everyone else out. And I swear these guys can hear me sometimes because they all run over and throw Kane out when he’s not paying attention (elimination #24)! Legacy all huddle together in the corner now. It’s Legacy vs. HHH vs. Undertaker vs. Show. Show goes after HHH. Legacy goes after Taker. They are on him like white on rice. Show grabs HHH. CHOKESLAM TO HHH! Legacy whips Undertaker into the ropes and he comes back and clotheslines all of them! CHOKESLAM TO ORTON FROM UNDERTAKER! CHOKESLAM TO DIBIASE!!!! CHOKESLAM TO RHODES!!!!! Taker and Show have ANOTHER staredown. SHEESH. They start punchisizing each other’s faces again. This is like a heavyweight MMA fight. Bad striking. Taker hits Show with a big clothesline. Show goes against the ropes and Undertaker hits him with a big boot. Show goes out, but he hangs on for dear life. Wow. That was impressive actually. Show is now on the ring apron. Taker gives him some more punches. RKO TO UNDER….NO!!! TAKER COUNTERS!!! SHOW GRABS UNDERTAKER BY THE THROAT THOUGH AND BRINGS HIM OUT ON THE RING APRON AS WELL!!!! UNDERTAKER NOW HAS BIG SHOW BY THE THROAT AS WELL!!!! The big men are fighting on the ring apron. RKO TO BIG SHOW FROM OUT OF NOWHERE AND HE GOES OUT (elimination #25)!!! Taker punches Orton in the face and he goes down. Now he grabs DiBiase and Rhodes by the throat! Big Show grabs Undertaker and just pulls him off the ring apron though ending his night (elimination #26). AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
Ya, I think we all know how this is going to pan out. Taker and Big Show are having ANOTHER STAREDOWN at ringside. Hopefully this will lead to a big staring contest at WrestleMania. I would pay for that. They finally start going at it and they are brawling into the crowd now. Back in the ring, it’s Legacy vs. HHH. Jim Ross doesn’t think there’s anyway HHH is going to survive. I beg to differ. SUCK IT TO LEGACY! They start beating on HHH. HHH is fighting back, but he is quickly overwhelmed. The beatdown is officially on. Orton is punching HHH in the face while the other two guys hold him. Orton wants them to pick him up. HHH is crawling on the ring. Rhodes and DiBiase picks him up while Orton talks shit to him. He goes for the RKO, but HHH shoves him into the corner. The other two Legacy members start beating on HHH. Rhodes whips him into the ropes while DiBiase goes to check on Orton. HHH counters Rhodes and hits him with a knee. Spinebuster to DiBiase! HHH is going for the Pedigree on Rhodes now, but Orton runs over to stop it. HHH back bodydrops Orton out of the ring, but he stays on the ring apron. PEDIGREE TO RHODES!!!! DiBiase charges HHH, but HHH throws him out of the ring (elimination #27). HHH picks up Rhodes and throws him out as well (elimination #28). And just like that, Orton comes up behind HHH AND THROWS HIM OUT AS WELL (elimination #29)!!! RANDY ORTON WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!
The streak of bad Royal Rumbles continues. The beginning and the end of this thing were both pretty good, but the middle was a jumbled clusterfuck. Like I’ve constantly said during these reviews, I’m not really a fan of Rumbles where the ring is full and at one point, we had around 15 guys in the ring at once. The thing that saves this Rumble from getting a really bad rating is the decision to give Orton the victory. I honestly thought when it was Legacy vs. HHH at the end that HHH was going to win this thing. I was caught a little off guard by Orton winning it, so that was a bit refreshing. Don’t really recommend this one unless you like watching Undertaker stare at people.
Royal Rumble Review: *1/2