It’s 2008. I was barely watching any WWE at this point, so get ready for all sorts of fun and even more snarkiness than usual…..




Royal Rumble 2008

Our first two entries are;


#1 – The Undertaker

Shawn Michaels, Book Cover Trax, Stamford, CT April 17, 2005 photo: Rich Freeda

#2 – Shawn Michaels

These guys were the last two in last year’s Royal Rumble match and they saved it from being an absolute disaster. Let’s see what they can do to top it this year? Michael Buffer is here as a special guest announcer. That’s a waste of money. That guy is unbelievably rich even though he does nothing but talk. Some people are so lucky. Taker comes out swinging, but HBK dodges. HBK starts chopping Taker. Taker slingshots HBK into the corner. Taker then picks him up and slams him back into the corner. Now Undertaker is just unloading on Michaels. He throws Shawn into the other corner now. A big kick sends HBK flying. Another big kick attempt, but HBK moves and Taker almost goes out of the ring. Shawn goes off the ropes to eliminate him, but Taker grabs him by the throat. Here comes #3……


#3 – Santino Marella

Santino is here and he looks a little concerned. Can you blame him? Undertaker just stares at him. Santino poses. SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO SANTINO! Undertaker picks him up and throws him out (elimination #1). I think we all saw that one coming. HBK rushes behind Taker and tries to toss him. Undertaker hangs on though and responds with some punches. Shoulder block to HBK now. Undertaker has Shawn’s arm. He goes for the OLD SCHOOL, but HBK counters. Atomic drop by Michaels. Michaels is now chopping Undertaker and gives him another atomic drop. Here comes #4 now…..


#4 – Great Khali

Undertaker CHOKESLAMS HBK and HBK goes down. It’s Taker vs. Khali one-on-one now. They start exchanging blows. Taker gets the advantage. BIG CHOP TO UNDERTAKER THOUGH! Khali throws Taker into the corner. He starts hitting him with some kicks. The crowd is chanting “You can’t wrestle” at Great Khali. Well, that’s not very nice. Khali grabs Undertaker by the throat and starts choking him. Undertaker responds by choking Khali back. Undertaker hits him with a chop and Khali goes against the ropes. Undertaker dumps him for good (elimination #2). HBK tries to sneak up behind Taker again, but it doesn’t happen. And here comes #5…..


#5 – Hardcore Holly

Yes, Hardcore Holly is STILL around. He starts beating on Michaels right away. Now he goes over and gives Undertaker some shots. Taker throws him into the corner. Undertaker is now hitting Holly with some punches. Holly starts fighting back. He has Undertaker reeling, but Taker counters with a big boot. Shawn is up now and he tries throwing Undertaker out again. Taker ends up picking him up and almost has Michaels out now. Holly gives Undertaker a kick and that sends Shawn back into the ring. Here comes another entrant……


#6 – John Morrison

Johnny Nitro has changed his name to John Morrison for some reason. I personally thought Johnny Nitro was a cooler name, but whatever. He goes right after Holly. Now he starts beating on HBK. He looks at Undertaker, but he doesn’t want none. Taker responds with a headbutt to Morrison though. Shawn goes to throw him out, but Morrison survives. Taker starts choking Holly with his boot. Shawn is up top now. ELBOW DROP TO MORRISON! Taker has Holly on the turnbuckle, but he’s hanging on for dear life. Here comes #7…….


#7 – Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer goes right after Undertaker. And he just starts hitting anyone in sight. Taker finally ends his run and headbutts him. Shawn goes to suplex Morrison out, but Morrison holds on. He lands on the ring apron and hits HBK with a neckbreaker on the ropes. Dreamer has Undertaker almost eliminated in the corner. How much you want to bet that doesn’t happen? Shawn comes over and starts beating on Undertaker again. And here comes another entrant…..


#8 – Batista

Batista is here and the crowd goes nuts. BATISTA BOMB TO DREAMER! He’s now clotheslining everyone in the ring. Back body drop to Morrison! It’s Batista vs. Undertaker now! They start squaring off. Dreamer comes over and tries to DDT Batista. Batista grabs him and throws him out (elimination #3). Now Batista and Undertaker are tied up in the ropes. Morrison comes over and starts hitting Batista. He runs off the ropes and SPEAR TO MORRISON! Undertaker starts beating on Batista now. He’s choking Batista with his boot in the corner. HBK has Holly on the verge of elimination. Just in time for another entrant…..


#9 – Hornswoggle

Oh boy. Here we go. Hornswoggle is obviously hesitant about getting in the ring. He just crawls underneath the ring. SPEAR TO UNDERTAKER FROM BATISTA! Batista goes to throw Undertaker out, but he holds on. Now HBK is helping Undertaker try to eliminate Batista. Holly gives Morrison a suplex. Shawn goes over and starts chopping Holly. Big back body drop to Shawn courtesy of Holly now. Here comes #10……


#10 – Chuck Palumbo

Chuck Palumbo is apparently a mechanic now or maybe a biker? I don’t know. I can’t tell. He goes right after Batista though. He’s just beating on Batista. Now he puts his attention on Holly. HBK comes over and Palumbo starts hitting him now. CHUCK PALUMBO IS AN ANIMAL! Undertaker starts exchanging punches with Palumbo now. Some headbutts have Chuck hurting. Holly goes to lift Batista out, but he’s hanging on for dear life. #11 is on their way now……


#11 – Jamie Noble

Noble is apparently Palumbo’s enemy at this moment. He has his chest taped up courtesy of Palumbo. SMELL THE RATINGS THERE!!!! He immediately goes after Chuck and they start trading blows. Noble is just going off on Chuck. There’s quite a size difference there. Palumbo picks him up and throws him out of the ring. Noble lands on the ring apron though. Chuck comes over and finishes the job with a boot (elimination #4). What a feud that was. Undertaker runs over and boots Palumbo in the face. Batista is beating on Holly now. Here come the medical trainers to help take Noble away. Also, here comes #12……


#12 – C.M. Punk

C.M. Punk gets a HUGE reaction. He goes right after anyone he can get his hands on. Undertaker stops him though. Not for long. Punk kicks Undertaker and gets free. Undertaker responds with a huge clothesline that sends Punk down though. Palumbo grabs Punk and goes to throw him out. Punk wiggles free and ends up sending Palumbo out though. Palumbo lands on the ring apron. PUNK HITS HIM WITH A KNEE AND PALUMBO IS GONE (elimination #5)! HBK comes up from behind Punk and tries to suplex him out. Here comes lucky #13…….


#13 – Cody Rhodes

Rhodes starts squaring off with Punk immediately. He almost gets Punk out, but Morrison comes over for the save. Rhodes and Morrison are now trading punches. Rhodes goes to square off with Undertaker and Taker isn’t having it. He grabs Rhodes by the throat. Cody escapes and hits Taker with a dropkick! Batista backdrops HBK and he goes down hard. #14 is on their way down……


#14 – Umaga

BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP! I LOVE UMAGA! Umaga gets in the ring and he’s clotheslining any mother fucker who dares to get near him. Holly starts chopping Umaga, but Umaga no-sells it. He throws Hardcore out for good (elimination #6)! Batista comes over to get him some of Umaga. Umaga starts unloading on him. Big butt drop to Batista’s face. Rhodes backdrops HBK out of the ring, but he manages to land on the ring apron. Morrison and Rhodes are now exchanging punches. Here comes the halfway point…..


#15 – Snitsky

Snitsky is uglier than I can ever recall and that’s saying something. He goes right after Morrison and then Punk. Now Rhodes is getting a beatdown. Snitsky snarls at the crowd and goes back to beating on Morrison. Rhodes comes over and jumps on Snitsky’s back, but almost manages to eliminate the both of them. Morrison has Michaels on the verge of elimination now, but he sneaks back in the ring. Here comes #16……


#16 – The Miz

Will The Miz last longer than he did last year? Probably. He goes right after Punk. He tries throwing Punk out and his tag team partner Morrison comes over to give him a hand. Umaga and the Undertaker are brawling on one side of the ring. I’d hate to break that up. Taker tries throwing Umaga out, but the big guy hangs on. Morrison and Miz are up on the top rope, but Punk starts punching them. Just in time for someone else to come out……


#17 – Shelton Benjamin

“The Gold Standard” is here and he’s ready to kick some ass. He just jumps up on the top rope where Miz and Morrison are and knocks their heads together! They go down, but not out. DDT to Punk from Shelton. AND SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO SHELTON SENDS HIM FLYING OVER (elimination #7). Shelton really needs to learn to start looking out for that move in all future Royal Rumbles….if there are any for him. Snitsky picks Rhodes up and smashes him into the corner. Umaga and Batista are double-teaming Undertaker. Taker knocks down Batista and grabs Umaga by the throat. Here comes #18…….


#18 – Jimmy Snuka

Well, this is odd. Jimmy Snuka just passed away about an hour ago as of this writing. You won’t read this for a couple of days, but that makes this appearance a little more bittersweet. In all due respect, Snuka doesn’t look like he should be competing in the Rumble at this point. He starts chopping anyone in his presence. He headbutts Undertaker and he goes down. Snitsky gets a headbutt. Miz starts getting his ass chopped. Batista walks over and gets an eye rake. And here comes another entrant……


#19 – “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

YES!!!!! PIPER IS HERE!!!!! HE’S FAT AND READY TO KICK SOME ASS!!! He even takes his shirt off because he gives no fucks. He points at his old friend Snuka and IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Piper and Snuka are exchanging blows and I feel like I just took a time machine back to the 1980’s. Everyone else is just watching them. Now they start fighting again. And here comes #20…….


#20 – Kane

This ring is about to get cleared folks. Kane walks on over and just dumps both Piper and Snuka (eliminations #8 & #9)! Now he’s punching everyone. He grabs Miz. CHOKESLAM TO MIZ! He starts working on Umaga now. HBK comes over to give Kane a hand against Umaga. Rhodes and Morrison are teeing off on one another in the corner. Kane is stunned and Undertaker acts like he’s going to chokeslam him. He grabs HBK instead and goes for the chokeslam, but Michaels kicks him. Here comes #21……..


#21 – Carlito

Carlito is here and he’s still spitting in the face of people who don’t want to be cool. That’s exactly how it should be. He takes a bite of an apple and spits it in the face of Cody Rhodes! HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE COOL APPARENTLY! Now he’s brawling with Punk. He throws HBK out and starts going at it with Morrison. Carlito goes off the ropes and Punk and Morrison grab him. They try to eliminate him, but he escapes. Punk then kicks Morrison in the face. BACKSTABBER TO PUNK FROM CARLITO! Bulldog from Rhodes to Carlito. And another entrant is on their way……


#22 – Mick Foley

Foley is making his return to the Royal Rumble and he goes right after Kane. The crowd erupts in a big “FOLEY” chant! DDT to Kane! Umaga with the Samoan Drop to Undertaker! Foley is now punching Morrison in the face. There are a shit ton of guys in the ring right now. Carlito is just beating on HBK at the moment. Everyone is laid out except for Umaga and Snitsky at the moment. And here comes #23…….


#23 – Mr. Kennedy

I didn’t watch a whole lot of WWE at this point, like I mentioned earlier. All I know about this guy is he had a lot of high expectations at first and then ended up a big fat disappointment. He enters the ring and goes right after Rhodes. He hits him with a big boot to the face. Now he’s nailing everyone with a face buster. He goes over to Undertaker and starts beating on him. Undertaker grabs him by the throat. CHOKE SLAM TO KENNEDY! Now Undertaker goes over and throws Morrison into Snitsky. Start throwing some people out Taker! Instead he’s just abusing everyone thanks to a second wind. Here comes ANOTHER guy……


#24 – Big Daddy V

Before Big Daddy V comes out, Undertaker tosses Snitsky out (elimination #10). And just like that, SWEET CHIN MUSIC KNOCKS UNDERTAKER OUT (elimination #11)! AND KENNEDY COMES UP BEHIND HBK AND THROWS HIM OUT AS WELL (elimination #12)! Shawn lands right in front of Undertaker. Taker continues to beat on Snitsky. Big Daddy V is in the ring and he looks scarier than ever. Undertaker leg drops Snitsky on the announce table on the outside of the ring and walks back to the locker room. Kennedy grabs Rhodes and throws him over, but he holds on. He grabs Kennedy’s head and tries taking him out with a head scissors, but Kennedy holds on. And here comes #25…….


#25 – Mark Henry

Somebody gonna get they ass kicked. Somebody gonna get they wig split. Henry goes right after Umaga. He then throws Kane into the ropes and hits him with a body splash. Hornswoggle finally comes out of the ring and he grabs the Miz’s arm. Hornswoggle eliminates the Miz (elimination #13) and goes back under the ring! Maybe Hornswoggle can do that to a few more people, eh? That would really help. Big Daddy V is trying to eliminate both Kennedy and Morrison. Here comes #26…….


#26 – Chavo Guerrero

Chavo’s still around and apparently he’s the ECW champion. Boy did the WWE’s version of ECW suck or what? Chavo starts squaring off with Punk. Punk takes him down and starts beating his ass. Morrison ends up on the ring apron somehow. Kane gives him a big boot and he goes flying out (elimination #14). Umaga hits Carlito with a big chop. Mark Henry is in the corner beating on Batista. Batista starts running and just hits Big Daddy V with a clothesline. Henry is trying to eliminate Rhodes now and Hornswoggle is back from under the ring. Hornswoggle tries to grab Henry’s arm and eliminate him, but Henry PULLS HIM UP AND INTO THE RING FINALLY! Hornswoggle is begging for mercy. Big Daddy V comes over. FINLAY IS HERE! Finlay starts beating on Big Daddy V and Henry! He takes Hornswoggle out of the ring and apparently he was #27 and now they are both eliminated (eliminations #15 & #16). Alrighty then……


#27 – Finlay

We still have a butt load of people in the ring though. Carlito is trying to eliminate Henry by himself. Good luck buddy. Batista gives Chavo some big punches. Batista hits Rhodes and Chavo’s noggins together. Here comes #28…….


#28 – Elijah Burke

I don’t really remember this guy at all. He goes right after Chavo. Big Daddy V grabs Burke and throws him against the ropes. Batista is on the outside of the ropes and no one knows how he got there. Punk tries throwing Chavo out, but he lands on the ring apron. He grabs Punk’s head and ends up tossing him out (elimination #17). We get a replay showing Umaga hit Batista in the throat which ended up with him rolling down to the floor. Chavo starts beating on Foley and I forgot that guy was still here. Here comes #29……


#29 – Triple H

Some bitches are going out now. HHH starts nailing everyone. He grabs Cody Rhodes and tosses him out (elimination #18)! He punches Big Daddy V. He tries throwing him out, but V reverses it. HHH hits him with a knee though and grabs him and throws the big guy out (elimination #19)! Umaga grabs HHH and throws him against the ropes. HHH counters! HHH and Foley are squaring off now! OH YES!!!!! HHH grabs Foley and throws him into that Elijah Burke dude and they both go flying out (eliminations #20 & #21)! That’s how you clear the ring everyone! HHH starts squaring off with Umaga now. Kennedy almost goes flying out, but he survives. Umaga charges HHH, but he misses a splash. PEDIGREE TO UMAGA! Here comes #30 and of course it’s…….


#30 – John Cena

JOHN CENA IS HERE AND APPARENTLY HE’S MAKING A COMEBACK OF SOME SORTS! No one expected him in this Rumble I guess and he gets an amazing reaction! HHH looks concerned and he has every right to be. Cena is pumped and the crowd is even more pumped. Cena and HHH get ready to square off, but Henry hits HHH from behind. Cena gets in the ring and starts hitting everyone else though! He grabs Carlito and tosses him out (elimination #22)! Now he grabs Chavo and throws him out as well (elimination #23)! Mark Henry isn’t paying attention and now he gets eliminated (elimination #24)! CENA IS JACKED! UH OH! HHH is up and they have a stare down! They are nose-to-nose! AND IT’S ON! They start exchanging blows. Cena with the kick to HHH’s face! Spinebuster to Cena though! Umaga is up and he hits HHH! He grabs HHH by the throat, but SPEAR TO UMAGA FROM BATISTA! Batista grabs Kennedy and throws him out (elimination #25)! Umaga is now weakened against the ropes and BATISTA CLOTHESLINES HIM OUT (elimination #26)! WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!

The Final Four:

John Cena




Who wants it?????

Kane grabs Batista by the throat. He also grabs HHH. They kick him in the nuts and throw him over though (elimination #27). And now they focus their attention on Cena. Cena laughs it off. Batista is ready to fight both of them though. Batista gives them a thumbs up, and quickly turns it to a thumbs down. Cena says “YOU CAN’T SEE THIS”. HHH says “SUCK IT” and the FIGHT IS ON AGAIN!!! Cena and Batista are nailing each other. Batista grabs HHH and punches him. He grabs Cena again, but Cena escapes. HHH gets up and they are double-teaming Batista. Not anymore. Batista hits them with a clothesline that knocks them both down. He throws Cena into the corner and charges him, but catches a boot in the face for his troubles. SPINEBUSTER TO CENA! HHH grabs Batista and tries to get him in a Pedigree. Batista counters with a SPINEBUSTER TO HHH! Batista grabs Cena again, but Cena flips him over his head. Batista gets up near the ropes just as HHH knocks down Cena. HHH runs over and CLOTHESLINES BATISTA OUT OF THE RING (elimination #28)! IT’S HHH VS. CENA! They have another stare down. HHH points at the banner. I think he’s the first guy to do that. Cena also points at the WrestleMania banner. THIS IS THRILLING MAN! The two are just staring at each other still. HHH finally kicks Cena in the midsection. Cena is fighting back. They start trading blows now. Cena with the back drop to HHH! The crowd is booing Cena now! Cena is going for the FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! He nails HHH! Now he’s waiting for HHH to get up. He goes for the F-U, but HHH counters! HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Cena counters! Cena runs into the ropes and they run into each other with a clothesline. Both men are down now. HHH is up and charges Cena but gets boot for his effort. Cena picks up HHH for the F-U AGAIN! HHH holds onto the ropes and escapes though! DDT TO CENA! Both men are down again. HHH is up and he picks up Cena and tries tossing him out. Cena holds onto the ropes though. HHH is trying to bully him out. Cena escapes! He picks HHH up in the F-U again! HHH ESCAPES AGAIN! HHH GOES FOR THE PEDIGREE! CENA COUNTERS! CENA PICKS UP HHH FOR THE F-U ONCE MORE! HE NAILS HHH WITH THE F-U AND SENDS HIM FLYING OUT OF THE RING! JOHN CENA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!!!

The Verdict:

Once again, the Royal Rumble was kind of meh. This was better than last year’s but overall it wasn’t a very good Rumble. The ring was extremely cluttered for the majority of the time and the match had a lot of boring moments. John Cena returning and winning it was pretty cool back in the day, but it’s not as effective when you go back in time and re-watch it. Mildly recommend this one.

Royal Rumble Review Grade: **