We have arrived at the 2007 Royal Rumble and somehow someway, I’m still doing these damn reviews. We have officially arrived at the time in my life when WWE wrestling stopped mattering to me and I watched very little WWE programming on a weekly basis. Why? Because the WWE was starting to struggle creative-wise. The company resurrected ECW again for some reason and that turned into a big failure. We are also just a couple of months away from the Chris Benoit tragedy that would change wrestling forever. So yes, these are trying time for the WWE, but hey….it’s the Royal Rumble so some fun is about to be had…….
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2007
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Ric Flair
#2 – Finlay
The combined age of the first two Royal Rumble participants is somewhere in the 200’s, but that’s OK. These guys both rule and I’m sure we are in for a show. Finlay is his name and he likes to fight, so Flair is probably in for a lot of trouble because he would rather party. Flair got #3 in 1992 and won this whole thing. He’s 15 years older now, but the guy only ages on his chest so he should be fine. The two lock up. Finlay gets a headlock and shoulder blocks Flair down. Another lock up and Finlay has Flair in the corner now. Some big punches to Flair’s face. Flair counters with some chops and some “wooooos”. Big back body drop to Flair now. Finlay picks up Flair and tries to throw him out, but Flair is holding on. Eye rake to Finlay and Flair gets dropped. Flair is now punching Finlay in the corner. Here comes #3…….
#3 – Kenny Dykstra
Apparently this guy is an old member of the Spirit Squad and in case you didn’t think it was possible to care for him any less, well here you go. Dykstra goes right after Flair and Flair starts chopping him. Flair continues to chop him. Bradshaw makes a stupid joke about Flair being alive when the Royal Rumble only had two people in it. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I HATE WHEN UNFUNNY PEOPLE TRY TO ACT FUNNY! Finlay comes over and starts beating on Flair again. It’s a double-team on Flair now. Not for long though as Finlay tries throwing Dykstra out. Flair comes over and tries throwing both of them out though. Now he’s chopping Dykstra again. We are back to double-teaming Flair now. Here comes #4…….
#4 – Matt Hardy
Matt Hardy runs down to give Flair a hand. He starts trading blows with Dykstra. Side effect to Dykstra! He tries throwing Kenny over, but Kenny hangs on. Dykstra throws Hardy into the corner and starts hitting him with headbutts into the mid-section. Dykstra and Finlay start double-teaming Flair again. Hardy and Finlay are now exchanging blows. A big chop sends Dykstra down. And we are getting another entrant……
#5 – Edge
OHHHHHHH SHITTTTTTT!!!! This is right after Edge & Matt Hardy had a real life feud over the love of Lita. If you don’t know that story, look it up. That storyline was amazing. Edge makes a beeline for the ring. SPEAR TO RIC FLAIR! SPEAR TO FINLAY!!!!! He tries to spear Hardy, but Hardy moves! TWIST OF FATE TO EDGE!!!!!! Dykstra comes over and starts pounding on Hardy. Hardy counters though and both men go down. Flair is on the outside of the ring now and is looking for something under the ring. Flair has a chair now. He goes in the ring, but Dykstra catches him. Edge and Dykstra start beating on Flair and they just toss him out (elimination #1). Dykstra goes to high-five Edge and then turns around to do the Flair strut. Edge just grabs him and throws him over (elimination #2). Dykstra isn’t happy, but here comes another entrant……
#6 – Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer goes right after Edge and they start trading punches. Dreamer is just unloading on Edge. He now has Edge in the corner and is just beating on him. Hardy throws Finlay into the corner and gets a boot to the face for his troubles. Finlay is now punishing Dreamer in the corner. The guy loves to fight, stop fucking with him for crying out loud. Hardy almost has Edge out of the ring and the crowd goes nuts. Finlay has Dreamer on the edge of elimination, but he’s holding on. Here comes #7…….
#7 – Sabu
Sabu was in a Royal Rumble? OK. Sabu goes right under the ring and grabs a table of course. He sets up a table outside of the ring. He gets in the ring and starts trading blows with Dreamer. ECW! ECW! ECW! A flying legdrop to Dreamer from Sabu. Sabu is just going back and forth on Dreamer and Hardy now. Big clothesline to Sabu from Dreamer puts him down. Hardy goes to throw Sabu out, but he hangs on. Finlay is barely hanging on right now as Dreamer and Edge try tossing him. And here comes another entrant…..
#8 – Gregory Helms
It’s the former “Hurricane”. In case you don’t remember, “Hurricane” was absolutely awful in Royal Rumbles. Will his alter ego Gregory Helms be any better? He throws a towel and goes right after Matt Hardy. They are just beating on each other. Sabu goes to throw Finlay out, but Finlay sneaks back in. The guy is an athletic marvel. Helms has Hardy up and over, but he sneaks back in the ring. Finlay has Sabu up, but Sabu manages to get free. Sabu goes to throw Helms out now, but Helms is holding on for dear life. And here comes #9……
#9 – Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin is here to fuck some shit up. He goes right after Hardy. He grabs Dreamer and goes to throw him out, but Dreamer hangs on. He grabs Hardy and tries throwing him out, but he holds on as well. Shelton continues to work on Hardy. Helms is trading blows with Edge over in the corner. Finlay has Shelton on the brink of elimination and Hardy comes over and tries eliminating both of them. Finlay has the luck of the Irish going for him. Hardy goes to suplex Shelton over, but he holds on for dear life. The ring is getting full, just in time for……..
#10 – Kane
One of the best ever in the Royal Rumble is here. Some bitches are going out. Big boot to Dreamer. Now Kane is punching anyone within a punches reach. He picks up Helms and slams him down. CHOKESLAM TO EDGE! He grabs Dreamer and throws him out (elimination #3). Now he goes after Sabu. He picks Sabu up and tries throwing him out, but Sabu escapes. Now Sabu is trying to clothesline Kane. He charges Kane, but Kane flips him out of the ring. Sabu lands on the ring apron. CHOKESLAM TO SABU THROUGH THE TABLE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING (elimination #4)!!! That’s called “karma” in case you didn’t know. Sabu set it up, and his ass went right through it. Kane now goes to work on Finlay. Here comes #11……..
#11 – C.M. Punk
C.M. Punk is making his Royal Rumble debut and unfortunately he wouldn’t amount to jack in the WWE. Punk goes right after Edge and tries throwing him out. Now Punk and Finlay are exchanging blows. Finlay goes to throw Punk out and he’s hanging on by a thread already. Shelton is also on the outside of the ring now thanks to Kane. He’s managing to hang on as well though. Hardy and Helms are trading blows. And here comes another entrant……..
#12 – King Booker
HEAR YE! HEAR YE! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! ALL HAIL KING BOOKER! Booker goes right after Helms and starts punchisizing his face. He grabs Helms and throws him out (elimination #5). The good news for Helms is, he lasted a lot longer than he ever did before in the Royal Rumble. So there’s that. Booker starts going after Punk now. Hardy and Finlay are trying to double-team Kane and get him out of the ring. It’s going to take more than that though boys. Here comes lucky #13…….
#13 – Super Crazy
Super Crazy slides in and goes right under Booker’s legs. Kane grabs him though and starts pounding on him. Big elbow drop to Super Crazy. Kane is now just punching anyone around him. Shelton and Hardy already have Super Crazy almost eliminated. Shelton is now hanging on for dear life. Here comes #14………
#14 – Jeff Hardy
Oh boy. Jeff runs down and goes right for Finlay. Matt comes over to give him a hand. It’s The Hardy Boyz vs. everyone else now. They start to double-team Edge. Now they focus their attention to Shelton. The Hardy’s go over and grab Super Crazy and hit him with a double-team move. And now they are going after Kane. Kane grabs both Hardy Boyz and tries to give them a chokeslam to no avail. They just kick him in the nuts. POETRY IN MOTION TO KANE! And here comes the halfway point……
#15 – The Sandman
Look. The Sandman sucks unless he’s coming out to Metallica’s “Enter The Sandman”. That’s just the truth. The WWE’s version of The Sandman had generic awful music and the guy looks like he hasn’t had a meal in 4 months. It’s not a good look at all. He’s in the audience and he’s drinking beer and the crowd is jacked. He gets in the ring with his Singapore cane and starts hitting EVERYONE! King Booker finally stops that and just throws Sandman out (elimination #6). See, I told you he sucked. Booker goes over and starts working on Crazy now. Jeff Hardy almost goes flying out, but he pulls himself back in. Just in time for #16…….
#16 – Randy Orton
Maybe Orton will start eliminating some of this dead weight? He goes right after Super Crazy. Edge and Orton grab Super Crazy and chuck him out (elimination #7). Team Rated RKO for the win! Matt Hardy starts punching Orton now. Orton hits him with a neckbreaker. Edge and Orton go to eliminate Matt now. Jeff comes over to give his brother a hand, but Edge sends him out of the ring (elimination #8). And right after that, Orton gets Matt out (elimination #9). And Team Rated RKO is taking over. Now they start going after Punk. Booker and Finlay are double-teaming Kane in the corner. Finlay wants to throw him out. They almost get him out, but Kane holds on. Here comes #17…….
#17 – Chris Benoit
Benoit runs down and goes right after Finlay. Now he starts chopping Orton and Edge. He hits Kane and Booker with some kicks as well. Benoit is on a tear. Suplex to Finlay! C.M. Punk is barely hanging on thanks to Shelton. Suplex to King Booker from Benoit. Finlay picks Benoit up and goes to throw him out, but Benoit is way too fresh for that. Punk tosses Shelton, but he sneaks back in. Here comes #18…….
#18 – Rob Van Dam
RVD clotheslines Benoit. Kick to Shelton. Kick to Edge. Punches to Kane. Booker comes over and tries throwing RVD out. That backfires. Kane grabs King Booker and tosses him out (elimination #10)! Booker is not happy. Booker get back in the ring and he starts beating on Kane. Booker hits him with his finisher and picks Kane up and throws him out (elimination #11). Booker isn’t done as he continues to beat on Kane on the outside of the ring. Here comes #19…….
#19 – Viscera
Viscera is back and he’s as horny as ever. WHO’S GETTING HUMPED THIS YEAR? My money is on Finlay. Booker is still putting a beatdown on Kane outside of the ring. You just don’t treat a king like that. Big Vis goes right after Edge. He picks Edge up and almost gets him out. Edge is hanging on, while RVD and Shelton give Big Vis a hand. RVD and Finlay are trading blows now. How the hell is Finlay still in this thing? Here comes #20……
#20 – Johnny Nitro
Nitro goes right after RVD and tries throwing him out. Nope. That doesn’t work. Big Vis is slamming his body weight against C.M. Punk in the corner. No wonder that guy ended up leaving forever. Orton and Edge are now double-teaming Nitro. Welcome to the Rumble. Shelton is literally BARELY HANGING ON BY A THREAD! Benoit is trying to get Shelton out, but the guy just isn’t going. Here comes #21……
#21 – Kevin Thorn
WHO THE HELL IS THIS????? This guy looks like an emo vampire. Let’s hope he doesn’t last long. He goes right after Benoit which is a dumb move. Now he’s pounding on Shelton. Big Vis has RVD on the brink of elimination and Nitro comes over to give him a hand. RVD kicks Nitro into Big Vis and that almost eliminates him. RVD keeps hitting Viscera with clotheslines trying to get him out, but Viscera finally does a clothesline of his own that puts RVD down. Here comes #22 now……
#22 – Hardcore Holly
Yes, Hardcore Holly is still employed by the WWE. I swear the guy had a piece of black mail on Vince McMahon that was juicy as hell. How else do you explain his long tenure with the company? Holly goes right after Nitro and starts beating his face in. Viscera wants a piece of Holly now. He puts Holly down on the ground. There is a shit load of people in the ring and someone needs to start going out. Michael Cole even points that out. RVD is hanging on, but he pulls himself back in. That emo vampire dude is hitting him in the face. Everyone in the ring is now trying to eliminate Viscera, but he’s hanging on. HUMP THEM ALL BIG VIS!!!! #23 is on their way now……
#23 – Shawn Michaels
Michaels comes down and everyone in the ring is still trying to eliminate Viscera. Finlay welcomes HBK with some punches. HBK throws him into the ropes. THESZ PRESS TO FINLAY! HBK CLOTHESLINES FINLAY OUT (elimination #12)! Viscera finally gets everyone off of him. You know what his reward is? SWEET CHIN MUSIC FROM HBK! Everyone goes back to grab Viscera and they try throwing him out again. He goes out finally (elimination #13)! Shelton charges HBK and he gets back-dropped out of the ring for his troubles (elimination #14)! Now Holly and HBK are trading blows. Here comes #24…….
#24 – Chris Masters
Masters goes right after Benoit. We have ten guys in the ring at the moment, so it’s kind of hard to keep track of all the action. Chris Benoit helps clear things up a bit by throwing Johnny Nitro out of the ring (elimination #15). He walks over and tries tossing Holly now. Punk is in danger of getting eliminated thanks to Chris Masters. Team Rated RKO are now pounding away on HBK. Here comes #25……..
#25 – Chavo Guerrero
Chavo goes after Masters. He hits Masters with some uppercuts. Benoit hates stupid emo vampires so he throws that Kevin Thorn douche out (elimination #16). Atta kid Benoit! Holly comes over to throw Benoit out now. Punk lifts RVD up and is trying to throw him out. I’m guessing someone’s coming out soon to help clear this ring a little bit. Who will it be?
#26 – MVP
Well, this guy isn’t going to do it. MVP sprints down to the ring and starts hitting Benoit. Benoit and HBK team up and start hitting MVP. RVD hits Masters with a big dropkick that sends him flying out of the ring (elimination #17). Orton picks up Punk and has him on the edge of elimination. Holly is also on the brink of elimination thanks to Chavo and RVD. Punk is literally barely hanging on by a thread as Orton punches his face. #27 is now headed down……
#27 – Carlito
Carlito is here and if you aren’t cool, he’s spitting in your stupid face. You’ve been warned. He rushes down to the ring and goes right after Benoit. I’m starting to notice a pattern. Carlito and RVD start trading blows. Now Carlito starts working on HBK. Edge is on the ground and Carlito starts choking him. RVD and Chavo have HBK on the brink of elimination, but he’s hanging on for dear life. MVP is working on Benoit in the corner. Team Rated RKO start double-teaming Carlito. And here comes another entrant……
#28 – Great Khali
BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP! Great Khali has a hard time walking, but he doesn’t have a hard time throwing bitches out. Edge and RVD go right after Khali, but he just throws them both down. Orton comes over and he gets headbutted. Benoit gets headbutted. Well, everyone is getting headbutted. Let’s not beat around the bush. A big chop to Orton now. A big chop to HBK. A big chop to MVP. This is Khali’s world and we all just live in it. EVERYONE IS DOWN! He grabs Holly and throws him out for good (elimination #18). Benoit goes out as well (elimination #19). Here comes #29……
#29 – The Miz
The Miz is making his Royal Rumble debut and he couldn’t have picked a worse time to come out. He goes after Khali and Khali just throws him out (elimination #20). HAHAHA! Khali then picks up RVD and just chucks him out as well (elimination #21)! Punk runs over to get him some of Khali. That was stupid. Khali just throws him out as well (elimination #22). Carlito charges Khali and Khali tosses him. He lands on the ring apron though. A big chop sends him flying out for good (elimination #23). Chavo wants a piece of Khali. Khali grabs him and throws him out like yesterday’s garbage (elimination #24). OK then. Khali starts celebrating now. Who’s getting this guy out? HBK is behind Khali and he starts chopping him. Khali grabs him by the throat. A huge chokeslam to HBK! Everyone is out, but here comes #30 and of course it’s…….
#30 – The Undertaker
Great Khali is waiting for Undertaker in the middle of the ring. IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! The two giants exchange blows. Khali gets the advantage, but that doesn’t last long. They continue to trade blows. Khali grabs Undertaker by the throat, but Taker gets free. Taker is just punching Khali. Taker goes to clothesline him out of the ring and Khali GOES OUT (elimination #25)!!! Undertaker starts hitting everyone in the ring now! He grabs MVP’s arm! OLD SCHOOL TO MVP! He grabs MVP and throws him out (elimination #26)!!! AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
It’s Team Rated RKO vs. Undertaker/HBK! Edge whips Taker into the ropes, but Taker hits him with a clothesline. MVP gets back in the ring with a chair. Undertaker goes to throw Edge out, but he hangs on. Orton grabs the chair from MVP and hits Taker with it! Taker is down now! Orton continues to talk shit to Taker. Edge is waiting for Orton to turn around! Edge goes to spear Orton but Orton threatens him with the chair! Oops! Edge and Orton are arguing now. RKO TO HBK! HBK rolls out of the ring. Orton and Edge continue to argue. They start double-teaming Undertaker now. Undertaker is busted open. The beatdown is on. Undertaker is helpless as Team Rated RKO beats the shit out of him. Taker starts fighting back though! Punch to Edge! Punch to Orton! Clothesline to Edge! Clothesline to Orton! Taker grabs them both by the throat! They kick him in the gut though! They whip him into the ropes. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE FROM UNDERTAKER! He grabs Edge and whips him into the ropes. He picks him up and gives him the snake eyes on the turnbuckle! Orton gets up. Taker goes for the chokeslam on Orton, but EDGE HITS THE SPEAR! Everyone is down now. Edge has a chair again. CHAIR SHOT TO UNDERTAKER! Edge rolls out of the ring and grabs another chair. They put one chair under Undertaker’s head. Edge brings the other chair into the ring. It’s time for a “CON-CHAIR-TO”. HBK gets back into the ring and Edge tells Orton to take care of him. Orton rushes HBK and HBK BACKDROPS HIM RIGHT THE HELL OUT OF THE RING (elimination #27)!!! Edge rushes over and SWEET CHIN MUSIC ELIMINATES EDGE (elimination #28)!!! IT’S HBK VS. UNDERTAKER! The crowd goes crazy, but both guys are unconscious in the middle of the ring. Undertaker pops up. Shawn pops up! IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!! They start exchanging blows in the ring. Shawn jumps into Undertaker’s arms and starts pounding on his face. Taker throws him. He grabs Shawn by the throat and throws him into the corner. He has Shawn on the brink of elimination now, but Shawn is fighting back. Chops to Taker from HBK now. The two are trading punches in the corner. Taker just grabs HBK and tosses him into the corner. Shawn goes out, but he lands on the ring apron. Taker charges him and Shawn moves! Now Undertaker lands on the ring apron and he’s almost out! Shawn gets back in the ring and bounces off the ropes and hits Taker with a big shot. Taker is reeling now! He has a hold of the top rope though and he’s not letting go! Shawn charges again but this time Undertaker responds with an elbow! Shawn goes down! Taker gets back in the ring. A big shot puts HBK down. He gets back up and gives Undertaker a neckbreaker! Both guys are up again! They are trading punches but they are both extremely exhausted. The crowd is chanting for HBK. A big punch puts Shawn down! Taker picks him up. He goes to throw him out with a suplex, but Shawn lands on the ring apron. They exchange blows and Shawn bashes Taker’s head against the turnbuckle. Shawn goes to the top rope now. Taker hits him with a right hand and Shawn almost goes out. He hangs on though. Taker goes up top and now we have a little predicament going on. Both guys are fighting on the top rope. Shawn gets the advantage and starts punching Undertaker. TAKER FALLS OFF! HBK looks at the crowd and he nails Undertaker with an elbow drop! Shawn is signaling for some SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Shawn goes for it, but Taker grabs his foot. CHOKE SLAM TO HBK! Both guys go down again. Undertaker is signaling for the end. He grabs HBK and picks him up. Shawn is fighting back. SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO UNDERTAKER! Both guys are down again! Shawn gets up first. He goes for some more SWEET CHIN MUSIC, but Undertaker dodges it and THROWS SHAWN OUT OF THE RING (elimination #29)!!! THE UNDERTAKER WINS HIS FIRST ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!!
This Royal Rumble sucked. If it wasn’t for the last 5+ minutes of Undertaker and Shawn Michaels absolutely tearing the house down, this Rumble would be right there along with 1988 and 1989 as the worst Rumbles of all-time. I still don’t think The Undertaker should have gotten the win as I don’t think he necessarily needed it. Other than that, this whole thing was utterly boring until the last 5 minutes. I would avoid it.
Royal Rumble Review Grade: *1/2