The WWE in 2005. It’s HHH’s world and we are all just living in it. However, there are two new superstars on the up-rise who are looking to take it over…..
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 2005
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Eddie Guerrero
#2 – Chris Benoit
Best friends Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit get #1 and #2 respectively. I could watch these two wrestle each other all-day, every-day, any damn day. Benoit arguably has the worst luck of all-time picking Royal Rumble numbers. He gets #1 in 2004 and #2 in 2005. Just give it up buddy. Benoit is in the ring waiting for Eddy. They finally lock up. It makes me kind of sad to watch this. The two are exchanging moves but no one is getting the advantage as they are pretty even. A lot of grappling going on while the crowd chants “EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE”. Here comes #3…….
#3 – Daniel Puder
Boooooooooo. This guy was a huge disappointment. Just one of many Tough Enough failures in the WWE. Benoit is hammering on Eddie in the corner. Puder gets in the ring and goes right back out. He now grabs a microphone and tells the crowd that they are about to witness history. He says he’s going to be the first Tough Enough champion to win the Royal Rumble. He finally gets in the ring where Eddie and Benoit are waiting for him. The beat-down is on! They start double-teaming Puder. They are just exchanging chops on the poor kid. A double snap suplex to Puder. A german suplex from Benoit to Puder now. Eddie hits him with a suplex as well. And another one. And another one. And here comes #4…….
#4 – Hardcore Holly
Holly is on his way down and Jim Ross reminds us that Holly doesn’t like anyone. That’s not really a healthy way to live man. Holly tells Eddie and Benoit to back off. He wants some of Puder for himself. He puts Puder in the corner and hits him with some VICIOUS CHOPS! He’s definitely not holding back. Benoit wants to chop Puder now. Benoit is now holding Puder while Holly chops him. Now Holly is holding Puder while Benoit chops him. This kid is getting BERRIED (©Larry Csonka). Holly is holding him for Eddie now. I’m guessing his chest really hurts right now. Holly sets him on the top rope and hits Puder in the nuts now. He picks Puder up and ALABAMA SLAM! And #5 is on their way down…….
#5 – The Hurricane
This is the Hurricane’s third Royal Rumble appearance and he’s probably lasted a total of about 45 seconds altogether. I’m not expecting much from him here. Before he gets in the ring, Daniel Puder is finally put out of his misery (elimination #1). Adios kid. Right after that, Eddie and Benoit grab Holly and end his night as well (elimination #2). Eddie and Benoit go right after Hurricane and start chopping him. This doesn’t look good. They whip him into the ropes. Double elbow drop. Eddie goes after Benoit and tries throwing him out though! Benoit starts chopping Eddie. Hurricane comes over to get him some now. A blockbuster off the top rope to Eddie. Benoit gets up and starts chopping Hurricane again. Benoit sends him into the ropes, where Eddie is waiting and Eddie just backdrops him out (elimination #3). See, I told you. It’s Eddie vs. Benoit again, but not for long. Here’s come #6……
#6 – Kenzo Suzuki
Who? Benoit and Eddie patiently wait his arrival. He goes right after Benoit. Eddie comes up from behind and he starts holding Kenzo while Benoit chops him. Dropkick from Guerrero to Suzuki now. Suzuki is trying to fight back, but it’s just too much. Benoit and Guerrero are taking turns on him. German suplex to Suzuki from Eddie. Benoit grabs Eddie though and tries throwing him out! Eddie hangs on! Benoit starts chopping Kenzo again. And here comes another entrant……
#7 – Edge
Edge runs in and goes right after Eddie. He starts hitting Eddie with some headbutts to the mid-section. He runs over and hits Kenzo and Benoit as well. Edge is just going back and forth on everyone now. He grabs Eddie and is trying to throw him over. Eddie is hanging on for dear life though. Edge goes over and starts hitting Kenzo, but Benoit starts going after Edge. Kenzo recovers and goes after Benoit now. Here comes #8……
#8 – Rey Mysterio Jr.
Rey Mysterio comes down to a huge reaction. He goes right after his good buddy Eddie. Now he’s going after Edge. Dropkick to Benoit now. Rey goes after Kenzo and they are trading blows. Kenzo picks Rey up and goes to throw him out. Rey holds onto the ropes though and uses his feet to throw Suzuki out instead (elimination #4)! Rey is now on the outside of the ring. Eddie whips him back in. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Eddie to Rey. And one for Benoit as well. And here comes #9…….
#9 – Shelton Benjamin
There is A LOT of good talent in the ring right now. Shelton goes immediately after Edge. He whips Edge into the ropes and hits him with a spinning elbow. He goes after Eddie and gives him a back bodydrop. Shelton starts squaring off with Edge in the corner and is just unloading on his face. Rey is on the brink of elimination thanks to Benoit. Eddie comes over and tries throwing them both out. Eddie just gives no fucks at this moment. Rey whips Shelton into the ropes, but Shelton counters. Nevermind! Headscissors by Rey to Shelton! And here comes #10…….
#10 – Booker T
Booker goes immediately after Edge. He’s just ripping him apart. Spinning heel kick to Edge! Booker is now pounding away on Edge’s face. Rey grabs Shelton in a headscissor and goes to throw him out, but they both manage to hang on. Meanwhile, here comes RAW general manager Eric Bischoff on his way down to the ring. Benoit has Eddie in a sharpshooter. Rey apparently hates sharpshooters and hits Benoit with a dropkick off the top rope. And here comes another entrant……
#11 – Chris Jericho
My word there is a lot of talent in the Rumble right now. Jericho goes right after EVERYONE! He whips Shelton into the ropes and hits him with an elbow. He starts pounding away on Edge now. Now some shots to Eddie as Benoit and Shelton are squaring off. Booker T has had enough and he comes over to get him some of Jericho. Teddy Long is at ringside as well now. And now here comes #12……..
#12 – Luther Reigns
Remember when I said there was a lot of talent in the ring right now? This guy is here to help even things out a bit. Reigns goes right after Jericho. Now everyone in the ring is just standing around. Eddie wants everyone to get in their respective groups. That’s because it’s about to be RAW vs. SMACKDOWN! It’s Benoit/Edge/Shelton/Jericho vs. Eddie/Reigns/Booker/Rey! AND IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! There is just way too much action going on to focus on any one thing. It’s a PIER SIX BRAWL! Someone need to come down and start clearing this sucker. Who’s lucky #13……..
#13 – Muhammad Hassan
YESSSSS!!!!!!! This guy had arguably the best theme music of all-time. Something tells me everyone in the ring is going to hate him though because MUSLIMS ARE EVIL! He takes his sweet ass time getting to the ring. Everyone in the ring stops fighting and just waits for him. He gets in the ring and poses. THE BEAT DOWN IS ON!!!! Everyone just starts beating on Hassan. They set him up in the ropes. 619 TO HASSAN!!!!! Everyone picks him up and they just toss him out (elimination #5)! The crowd pops big for that. Here comes another entrant…..
#14 – Orlando Jordan
JBL’s “Chief of Staff” is here and no one cares. Everyone in the ring starts going at it again. Jordan goes right after Reigns. They can just go ahead and throw each other out for all I care. Jordan starts squaring off on Benoit now. Eddie and Edge are just beating on each other in the corner. Shelton has Jericho on the ring apron now. Jericho is in a lot of trouble. He’s holding on to the bottom rope, but Shelton almost has him out. And here comes #15…….
#15 – Scotty Too Hotty
What a waste of an entrant. Scotty comes down dancing and no one cares. Muhammad Hassan is on his way to the back finally and he starts attacking Scotty. He puts a beat down on him and gets him in the CAMEL CLUTCH! Scotty is too hurt and will not be able to enter the Rumble now (elimination #6). Awwwww, isn’t that a bummer? Shelton with a big splash onto Edge in the corner. Jordan is on the brink of elimination now. We could only be so lucky. #16 is on their way down now……
#16 – Charlie Haas
Haas immediately goes after Benoit. Booker hits Haas with a big kick to the face now. Booker kicks Reigns against the ropes and he’s reeling now. Another kick from Booker ends his night finally (elimination #7). Orlando Jordan comes over and Booker also eliminates him as well (elimination #8). And we are finally getting rid of some of this dead weight. Booker is psyched and it’s time for a SPINNAROONI! As soon as Booker gets up though, Rey tosses him while Eddie holds the top rope down (elimination #9). NO DANCING IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE BUDDY! Jericho and Haas are teeing off on each other. Jericho and Shelton start double-teaming Rey now. Rey with a big facebuster to
Jericho! And here comes #17…….
#17 – Rene Dupree
Rene Dupree comes out with his poodle Fifi. Hopefully Fifi is in the Rumble and not Dupree. Dupree goes right after Rey, but Haas comes over to get some of Dupree. Haas gets Dupree on the ropes. He gets Shelton’s attention now and we have a little mini reunion of the “WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM” as they hit Dupree with the “hot shot”. They high-five each other. Shelton goes to hit Edge with a big splash, but Edge moves. Shelton lands on the top rope though, but that’s all for nothing as Edge just shoves him off (elimination #10). BOOOOOOO!!!!! Haas starts beating on Edge now. Here comes another entrant……
#18 – Simon Dean
Well, this gimmick did nothing. Dean takes his sweet time getting to the ring and once he gets down there, he doesn’t get in the ring. He’s putting on a weight belt and some head phones and the guy is warming up before he competes. Say what you want, but that’s the smart thing to do. I think I’m going to go ahead and place my money on Dean winning this thing due to the preparations he’s taking. OH NO AND JUST LIKE THAT EDDIE GUERRERO GETS TOSSED BY EDGE (elimination #11)! Edge starts dancing to mock Eddie. Jericho comes over and starts beating on Edge. Simon Dean is doing push-ups now. Here comes #19…….
#19 – Shawn Michaels
HBK is looking older than ever. Simon Dean finally gets in the ring. He starts doing jump-and-jacks instead of wrestling. HBK notices him and clotheslines him out of the ring (elimination #12). All that warming up was for nothing. Eddie Guerrero gets a nice chant from the crowd on his way out. Haas starts beating on HBK. Rey goes to the corner and is trying to get Edge to chase him. Edge goes after him, but Rey escapes through Edge’s legs. Dupree is nailing Jericho and HBK just backdrops Charlie Haas out of the ring (elimination #13). And #20 is on their way down…….
#20 – Kurt Angle
Angle sprints down to the ring and welcomes Benoit with a german suplex. He gives Rey one as well. And Jericho gets one. ANGLE SLAM TO EDGE!!!!! ANGLE SLAM TO DUPREE!!!!!! ANGLE SLAM TO HB……NO!!!! HBK REVERSES IT AND GOES FOR SOME SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!!! THAT GETS REVERSED INTO AN ANKLE LOCK!!!! HBK rolls out of it though and SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO ANGLE SENDS HIM FLYING OUT OF THE RING (elimination #14)!!! That was a short night for my boy. HBK starts beating on Jericho now. Rey and HBK start exchanging blows. Rey starts choking HBK with his boot in the corner. Here comes #21……
#21 – Jonathan Coachman
ESPN’s Jonathan Coachman is here to fuck some shit up. Something tells me this will be a SportsCenter Top 10 highlight. Coach goes right after Benoit and then runs into the corner and hides. Benoit is pissed and starts beating on Coach. Benoit rips Coach’s shirt off. Jericho picks Rey up to throw him out of the ring. Rey hangs on though and grabs Jericho in a headscissors to try to throw him out! And here comes #22…….
#22 – Mark Jindrak
No one cares about this guy. WAIT A MINUTE! KURT ANGLE IS BACK IN THE RING! HE GRABS HBK AND THROWS HIM OUT (elimination #15)! Angle picks up the ring steps and hits Michaels with them. Angle vs. HBK? YES PLEASE!!!!! Angle has Michaels bloody and beaten and is still whooping his ass. ANKLE LOCK TO HBK! This isn’t good. The officials finally come and get Angle off of him, but the damage is done. “Your ass is mine” Angle screams to Michaels as he gets led off. Here comes #23……
#23 – Viscera
BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP! Viscera is on his way and shit is about to fly. Rey gets thrown out by Jindrak, but he manages to hang on for dear life. Viscera goes right after Jindrak and then picks up Rey and slams him. Jindrak starts hitting Viscera now. Viscera tosses him down. Here comes #24…….
#24 – Paul London
London RUNS down to the ring and Rene Dupree welcomes him with some shots. Dupree grabs London by the hair and throws him down. Dupree starts dancing now. And just like last year, Chris Jericho comes over and throws him out (elimination #16). Come on guy. That same thing happened to you last year. STOP DANCING IN THE RUMBLE YOU MORONS! Jericho mocks him, but that’s OK. Jindrak is trying to throw London out. And Jericho comes over to throw Jindrak out. And here comes another entrant…….
#25 – John Cena
Cena is here and we are almost full on with him being the face of the company. He gets a huge reaction. He has that stupid spinner belt which I still hate. He goes right after EVERYONE! Viscera tries to slam him, but Cena counters. Viscera gets the advantage again and charges Cena, but Cena tosses him (elimination #17)! Cena is pumped now. Rey runs over and gives the Coach a BRONCO BUSTER! And here comes #26……
#26 – Snitsky
Snitsky! IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!! Snitsky goes right after Edge and well….he’s hitting everyone who comes near him actually. He grabs Benoit and hits him with a clothesline. He starts trading blows with London and London jumps on his back. Snitsky tries to dump London, but he holds on. Not for long though because Snitsky murders him with a clothesline that sends him flying (elimination #18)! Snitsky and Cena are now face-to-face in the middle of the ring. IT’S ON! Cena has Snitsky up in the F-U, but Snitsky gets out! Here comes another entrant……
#27 – Kane
This isn’t good for Snitsky, who’s feuding with Kane at the time. Kane is coming down and he’s pissed. Snitsky awaits his arrival. Snitsky goes right after Kane. Clothesline to Snitsky! CHOKESLAM TO EDGE! CHOKESLAM TO BENOIT! CHOKESLAM TO CENA! CHOKESLAM TO JERICHO! CHOKESLAM TO MYSTERIO! Kane grabs Jindrak and throws him out (elimination #19). That guy isn’t good enough to get a chokeslam. Coach is sneaking up behind Kane now. Not a good idea brah. He hits Kane, but Kane no-sells it. Kane turns around and grabs Coach. He goes to chokeslam him, but Snitsky is up and he hits Kane. Paul London is now getting taken away on a stretcher. Pump-handle slam to Kane and here comes #28…….
#28 – Batista
Batista of Evolution is on his way and Jim Ross loses his mind. Snitsky goes after him. Dumb idea. Batista clotheslines him out of the ring (elimination #20)! Batista and Kane are now staring each other down. They start trading blows. Batista gets a huge chant from the crowd. He gives Kane the BATISTA BOMB! Jericho goes for a body splash, but Batista catches him. He lifts Y2J up in the air and throws him out for good (elimination #21)! BATISTA IS JACKED! Hee’s going after Edge and tries throwing him out, but Edge hangs on. Here comes #29……
#29 – Christian
Christian comes down with Tyson Tomko. He goes right after Cena. Coach is somehow still in this thing and he’s not doing anything. 619 TO KANE!!! Cena picks Kane up AND GIVES HIM THE F-U RIGHT OUT OF THE RING (elimination #22)!! Cena and Rey start celebrating. They look like they want to team up together and start eliminating everyone else. Here comes #30 and of course it’s……..
#30 – Ric Flair
Another member of “Evolution”, Flair is here and he looks 80 years old. He immediately high-fives Batista. He goes over and starts pounding away on Coach. He whips Coach into Batista who hits him with the BATISTA BOMB! Flair picks Coach up and throws him out for good (elimination #23)! Flair is now going after Christian. He whips Christian into Batista and it’s a spinebuster to Christian! Batista picks Christian up and throws him onto Tomko outside of the ring (elimination #24)! Now Benoit and Flair are chopping each other while the crowd “woooooos”. Batista comes over to give Flair a hand. SPINEBUSTER TO BENOIT! Batista and Flair pick up Benoit and throw him out (elimination #25)! Batista turns around and Flair goes to grab his head to throw him out but Batista goes nowhere! HAHAHAHA! Flair looks scared now and he has every right to be. Batista is pissed. Flair is trying to make excuses and while this is happening. Edge and Rey hit both of them with dropkicks. Edge picks up Flair. SPEAR TO FLAIR! Edge scoops Flair up and it’s BYE BYE FLAIR (elimination #26)! AND WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!
The Final Four:
Who wants it??????
There’s a man in every corner. Rey and Edge go after each other. Now everyone is brawling. SPEAR TO BATISTA! SPEAR TO CENA! Edge goes for the spear on Rey, but Rey dodges it! Edge falls into the ropes! 619 TO EDGE! Rey is on the top rope and jumps over Edge. Edge catches him though and spins around and goes to throw him out! REY HOLDS ON THOUGH! SPEAR TO REY! REY GOES FLYING OFF (elimination #27)! Edge is taunting Mysterio now. Edge goes over and starts beating on Batista and Cena. He charges the both of them and they just backdrop him out of the ring (elimination #28)! It’s Batista vs. Cena! The two stare each other down. IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Batista gets the early advantage, but Cena counters. Cena has him in the F-U and is trying to throw him out, but Batista is hanging on for dear life. Batista counters. BATISTA BOMB TO CENA! NO!!!! CENA REVERSES IT AND THEY BOTH GO TOWARDS THE ROPES! AND BOTH OF THEM GO FLYING OUT AT THE SAME TIME!!!! OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!!!! Yep. The refs are arguing now while one ref is claiming Batista wins while another ref is claiming Cena wins. Oh boy, here we go again. Just re-start the damn match. Let’s not have another Luger/Bret situation. VINCE MCMAHON COMES DOWN AND HE’S PISSED!!!! UH OH!!! VINCE HITS HIS KNEES ON THE RING AND HE’S OBVIOUSLY HURT! That wasn’t supposed to happen. Vince can’t even stand once he gets in the ring. Vince is just sitting down while the refs argue back and forth. Give the man some credit. He’s obviously in pain and isn’t showing any signs. Batista grabs Cena and throws him out. Cena comes back in and throws Batista out now. This is madness. All of this is happening while Vince is just sitting down in the ring. Vince finally argues that the match should be re-started. Hey, look at that! Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, but Cena counters into an F-U! NOPE! Batista counters and hits Cena with the BATISTA BOMB! He picks Cena up now AND HE THROWS CENA OUT (elimination #29)! BATISTA WINS THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!!!!
This was a really good Royal Rumble. There was a lot of action and a lot of good workers in the match to boot. Yes, the ending was a little wacky and really wasn’t necessary, but it was forgiven with Vince’s little accident getting into the ring. Call me an asshole all you want, but that still cracks me up years later. Highly recommend this one.
Royal Rumble Review: ***1/2