The Royal Rumble Review carries on (I MADE IT A SECOND DAY!!!) with a look at the 1989 Royal Rumble. I’m getting hyped because this is just about the time my 8-year old self discovered the wonders that is the World Wrestling
LET’S DO THIS!
Royal Rumble 1989
Our first two entries are;
#1 – Ax
#2 – Smash
OH SHIT!!!! And we’ve gone off the rails already! I remember watching this for the first time and getting hyped that the two members of Demolition got the #1 and #2 in the Royal Rumble and had to face off. Would they actually fight or just sit there and wait for #3 to come out? Who are you kidding? These two guys start beating the ever loving hell out of each other as soon as Smash reaches the ring. They trade blows and there’s a whole lot of SMASHING going on. Allow me to say that after just a minute of watching these two guys square off in the ring, I’m glad we never got a long one-on-one between these two. Ax tries to eliminate Smash and almost gets the job done, but the Smasher survives. It’s now time for the third entry and it’s…..
#3 – Andre The Giant
Yeah OK! A few years ago, this would have been a scary pick. At this point in his career though, Andre can barely move and it’s almost mean to have him out there. Demolition immediately drops him and starts hammering him. They get him in the ropes and Andre is helpless. He’s now wearing Demolition like a jacket and looks like he’s in uncontrollable pain. Andre finally turns the table on Demolition, but that doesn’t last long. A fourth guy is now on his way and it’s……
#4 – Mr. Perfect
It’s “Mr. Perfect” before he was anyone worth a damn in the WWE. Remember when he wore just plain blue tights? No one does. Perfect makes no friends as he comes in blasting everyone. Andre gives absolutely no fucks and just grabs Smash and throws him out (elimination #1). Perfect is trying to eliminate Andre now with Ax’s help. That’s probably a good idea. They have Andre cornered and are simultaneously choking him. That is until Ax has had enough of Perfect’s pretty looks and starts beating on him. Andre then grabs Ax and headbutts Perfect. It’s time for #5 to come and it’s…….
#5 – “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin
I was never a big fan of “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin. Regardless he comes in and it’s 3-on-1 on Andre. They have him in the “Andre-tied-up-in-rope” spot that we ALWAYS see. Garvin continues to beat on Andre while Ax goes back to beating on Perfect. Andre is free and starts sitting on Ax in the corner. He starts whooping everyone’s ass. And now it’s time for #6 and of course it’s…….
#6 – Greg “The Hammer” Valentine
Now “The Hammer” I’m a big fan of. Valentine surprises everyone and goes right after Andre with some elbows. Andre is pissed now and starts no-selling everyone and hip throws Ronnie Garvin’s old ass out (elimination #2). Valentine starts beating on Andre again, which isn’t a smart move in my book. Andre gets the tables turned on Valentine and starts choking him in the ropes. Valentine has been in the ring for like a minute now and he looks like he’s dying. Andre will do that to you though. It’s now time for #7 and it’s……
#7 – Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Uh oh Andre. Jake goes right after the Giant and it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! Andre quickly turns the tables on Jake and has him on the brink of elimination. Valentine tries to save Jake, but it doesn’t work. Andre is just choking the life out of Roberts. He finally lets go and starts choking Jake with his foot now. STOP IT ANDRE! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM! On the other side of the ring, Valentine has Perfect on the brink of elimination, but something tells me those two are just stalling. Andre is now choking Jake with his ring attire. Jesus Andre. Here comes #8 and it’s…..
#8 – “Outlaw” Ron Bass
Bass comes in just in time to watch Andre eliminate Jake “The Snake” (elimination #3). What a short night for Roberts. Andre then turns his attention back to Valentine. Ax and Ron Bass are over there stiffing each other. No one cares about that though. Andre is beating on both Valentine and Perfect. Nothing exciting is really happening at the moment. We need someone to put a spark in this thing. Hopefully #9 will do it…….
#9 – Shawn Michaels
Shawn Michaels of The Rockers! I loved The Rockers as a kid and I loved Shawn Michaels as an adult. Needless to say, we go way back. Ax is now going back to the locker room as Mr. Perfect throws him out (elimination #4). Perfect goes to throw out Michaels, but Michaels does some nifty ring work and saves himself. We are seeing glimpses of what Michaels and Perfect turn into in their little match going on here. We definitely got the spark this match needed. Valentine and Perfect are now both beating on Michaels. Andre’s bear hugging Ron Bass. It’s time for #10 and it’s…..
#10 – Bushwacker Butch
Ugh. I never cared for the Bushwackers personally. But who cares because JAKE “THE SNAKE” HAS RETURNED AND THROWS HIS SNAKE INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE RING! Andre The Giant is scared shitless (do you blame him????) and eliminates himself (elimination #5). I guess that’s one way to get the Giant out of the Royal Rumble? Anyway, back to our regular scheduled programming. It’s time for #11 and we get……
#11 – Honky Tonk Man
He’s cool. He’s cocky. He’s bad! It’s the Honky Tonk Man! One of the signature wrestlers of the WWE in the 1980’s. Honky comes in and starts trading blows with Perfect. Perfect actually gets him on the brink of elimination and the crowd ERUPTS. Honky survives though and turns his attention to Michaels. Perfect and Michaels collide in the ring and Honky Tonk and Greg Valentine look like they have a lot of chemistry together (maybe they could become a potential tag team down the road, eh?) and try to eliminate Michaels. It’s time for #12 and it’s……
#12 – Tito Santana
“Chico” Santana! This is when Santana was teaming with Rick Martel as Strike Force and was about 3 months before they broke up. Man, that was tragic. Anyway, Bushwacker Butch has Honky on the brink of elimination, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Valentine almost has Santana out, but he manages to survive. Somehow Ron Bass is still in the ring, even though he hasn’t done a damn thing. Michaels is now in danger, but it’s time for #13 to come down and it’s…….
#13 – Bad News Brown
This is bad news for everyone. We need to start getting some people out, and this is the guy to get the job done. Speaking of needing people out, Bushwacker Butch and Tito Santana get together and throw the Honky Tonk Man out of the ring (elimination #6)! The crowd absolutely loves that. It cracks me up how much the WWE crowd hated the Honaky Tonk Man in the 80’s. We still have a shit load of people in the ring though. Bad News Brown is beating on Shawn Michaels until Ron Bass comes from behind. Michaels then goes up to the top rope and hits both Brown and Bass. That kid has a future. Michaels almost goes out though and it’s time for #14 and it’s……
#14 – Marty Jannetty
Shawn Michaels tag team partner, Marty Jannetty! Talk about perfect timing! Jannetty comes in and saves Michaels as they double dropkick Ron Bass right out of the ring (elimination #7). THANK YOU ROCKERS! DID I MENTION I LOVED YOU GUYS??? Tito Santana hits Greg Valentine with his finisher. Yes, it was a lame forearm to the head, but it was effective. He tries eliminating Valentine with the help of Butch, but it doesn’t happen. #15 is on his way though and it’s……
#15 – “Macho Man” Randy Savage
MACHO MAN IS HERE!!!! HE GIVES ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKS AND STARTS BEATING ON BAD NEWS BROWN WITH HIS SUNGLASSES AND BANDANA STILL ON!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!! The crowd is absolutely hyped for it. Savage is just beating on Bad News. Well, until Greg Valentine comes from behind and ends the show. The ring is getting ridiculosuly full and people need to start going out, preferably a Bushwacker. Perfect is now going after Savage and you can sign me up for that match all-day everyday. Bad News is finally up though and he remembers what Savage did to him and he starts beating on “Macho Man”. It’s time for #16 to come out and it’s……
#16 – Arn Anderson
One of my all-time favorites! Arn Anderson of The Brainbusters! Arn hits the ring just in time to see Randy Savage hurl Greg Valentine out of the ring (elimination #8). Anderson immediately starts getting beaten on by Michaels. However, Savage comes over and helps Arn and they throw Michaels the hell out of the ring (elimination #9). BOOOOOO! Jannetty is pissed and hits Arn with an axe handle off the top. Savage goes back to fighting with Bad News Brown. How come they never got a long-term feud? Bad News Brown was severely underused. He was “Stone Cold” before “Stone Cold” was “Stone Cold”. Arn Anderson is already on the ropes, but now it’s time for #17 and it’s…..
#17 – Tully Blanchard
Perfect timing. Tully Blanchard comes out and helps his tag team partner Arn Anderson. Savage and Bad News start beating on each other AGAIN. Get a room you two. Tito has also had enough as he comes over and starts directing his anger towards Bad News. Arn and Tully are double-teaming Jannetty. Something tells me a Brainbusters vs. Rockers match would be an exciting one (side eye emoji). The Brainbusters have Jannetty on the brink of elimination but we have another entry coming and it’s……
#18 – Hulk Hogan
HULKSTER!!!!! Right before Hulk comes out, the Brainbusters effectively end Marty Jannetty’s night though (elimination #10). Hulk on the other hand storms in the ring and immediately starts helping Savage. He grabs Mr. Perfect and just tosses him like yesterday’s garbage right out of the ring (elimination #11). The Brainbusters try to team up and take out Hogan, but that doesn’t go well. Hogan turns his attention to Bad News now and those two start going at it. In the middle of all this Hulk Hogan mess, somehow Tito Santana was eliminated (eliminated #12). If anyone quietly gets eliminated, it’s Tito Santana. Bushwacker Butch is still alive and Savage has him on the brink of elimination. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen though and it’s time for another entry…..
#19 – Bushwacker Luke
Kill me now. Both Bushwackers are now in the ring. Not for long though as Bad News Brown FINALLY throws Butch out (elimination #13). Hulk Hogan picks up Tully Blanchard and just TOSSES him on the rope. I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but that looked painful. Bushwacker Luke is now putting a beating on Hogan. Never thought I would see that one happen. That doesn’t last long though as Hogan hulks up and beats him and the Brainbusters both down at the same time. It’s time for another entry and it’s…..
#20 – Koko B. Ware
THE BIRDMAN! Koko was always kind of a jobber, but the crowd loved him so the WWE kept him around. Arn Anderson is on the top rope for some reason and Hulk Hogan makes him pay for it by throwing him to the mat. Hulk Hogan goes ahead and throws Koko B. Ware out because like I said…jobber (elimination #14). Hogan also decides to throw Bushwacker Luke out because fuck it (elimination #15). The Brainbusters start double teaming on Hogan and if everyone in the ring was smart, they would all team together and throw Hogan’s ass out. That’s not the case though and it’s time for #21…..
#21 – The Warlord
No one gives a shit about The Warlord. But what they do give a shit about is Hulk Hogan throwing BOTH Arn Anderson AND Tully Blanchard out of the ring at the same time (eliminations #16 & 17)!!!! The Warlord decides to pose on the ring apron before hopping in the ring. As soon as he gets in the ring, he is clotheslined out by Hulk Hogan (elimination #18). See, I told you no one gives a shit about The Warlord. Hogan then turns his back and because he cares about no one but himself, throws BOTH Randy Savage and Bad News Brown out of the ring (eliminations #19 & 20)!!!! Savage is understandably pissed about this. Savage and Hogan are tag team partners as “The Mega Powers” and that’s not how friends act man. Elizabeth comes down to the ring to help calm the situation. There’s a whole lot of finger pointing and screaming going on. You would think someone was just murdered. Elizabeth gets the two to shake hands and hug though so everything’s cool. Just in time for #22 to arrive and it’s…….
#22 – Big Boss Man
The Big Boss Man, the heel version. Boss Man was always one of the best big man workers in the business, who never got a lot of credit. Hogan and Boss Man immediately start squaring off and the fight is on! Hogan slams Boss Man and tries to throw him in the corner, but it’s reversed. Boss Man hits Hogan with the piledriver and it’s night night for the Hulkster. Boss Man scoops Hogan up and instead of throwing him out, just throws him down on the ring. It’s now time for #23 and it’s……
#23 – Akeem
Oh boy. Hulk Hogan now has to deal with both of the “Twin Towers”. We all know how this is going to turn out. The Twin Towers are putting a beating on Hogan. Akeem is doing the bare minimum and letting Boss Man do all the work. That doesn’t last long though as Hulk is BACK! Oops. Spoke too soon. Akeem gets the tables turned and momentum is back with the Towers. And just like that, it’s BYE BYE HULK HOGAN as the Twin Towers toss him out for good (elimination #21). Hulk pulls the Boss Man out from under the ropes and tries to get some revenge. It’s time for #24 though and it’s……
#24 – Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
Hulk Hogan’s BFF! Brutus “The Barber” runs down to the ring, just so he can get beat down by the Twin Towers. That’s not a good look Brutus. Hulk gives no shits though and pulls the ropes down as Boss Man goes to bounce off of them (elimination #22) and they start brawling back towards the locker room. I guess that’s one way to save your friends? Akeem is now beating on Brutus as he eyes his second appearance in the Royal Rumble Final Four. I HAVE FAITH IN YOU AKEEM! Hopefully #25 won’t screw it up……
#25 – Red Rooster
Nope. I don’t care how silly of a gimmick the Red Rooster was, Terry Taylor is one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. I love that guy. Taylor and Beefcake start working together on Akeem and now I’m conflicted. I would love to see the Rooster win, but I also want Akeem to make it to the final four. STOP IT GUYS! Rooster and Beefcake have Akeem on the brink of elimination, but it’s a no go. Akeem turns the tables, but only for a short time. Akeem now gets wrapped up in the ropes like Andre was earlier and Beefcake and Rooster are on him. It’s time for #26 though and it’s…..
#26 – The Barbarian
Maybe The Barbarian will last longer than his tag team partner? Probably not. He comes in and helps Akeem, but that doesn’t work out that well. Beefcake already has Barbarian on the ropes, while Rooster is punching Akeem’s pretty face. I know it’s not going to happen, but it would be amazing if one of these guys pulled off the victory here. It probably won’t be the Rooster though as Akeem hits him with a big splash that might have killed him. It’s time for #27 to hit the ring and it’s……
#27 – Big John Studd
Ugh. I never got the WWE’s little love affair with Big John Studd. He takes his sweet little time to get down to the ring. Once he arrives, he starts beating on Akeem. That’s a whole lot of beef right there. Vince’s head is probably exploding with excitement. The Red Rooster might be dead at this point. The Barbarian picks him up and tries throwing him out. Beefcake comes over and helps though, so it’s all good. Akeem and Studd are still clobbering each other. It’s now time for #28 and we get……
#28 – Hercules
Yay. Hercules was only good when he was with Paul Roma in “Power & Glory”. Now THAT was an underrated tag team. Herc hits the ring and tries helping Beefcake eliminate Barbarian. Studd and Akeem ARE STILL PUNCHING EACH OTHER! At this point, I think that’s considered making out. Beefcake is hitting Barbarian with the corner punches that the crowd loves to count along with. Hercules has had enough of Akeem and Studd’s love affair, but that gets him nothing. It’s time for #29 and it’s……
#29 – Rick Martel
The other half of Strike Force, Rick Martel. Martel also tries to break up the Akeem/Studd love affair, but this isn’t a threesome guys. Martel tries to eliminate the Rooster, but we are still a few months away from Martel being a heel, so he doesn’t try anything dirty. Studd is now just pushing on Akeem’s face. Seriously. He’s just pushing the dude’s face. How is that effective? Studd is now yelling to the crowd that he’s going to eliminate Akeem. Just do it and shut up already. It’s time for #30 though and of course it’s……
#30 – Ted DiBiase
Gorilla Monsoon is hell bent that DiBiase paid to get the #30 spot, but who cares? It’s all about how you got it. DiBiase comes in and starts beating on the Rooster. I’m surprised he’s still in there actually. We now have everyone in the ring. LET’S START THROWING SOME DEAD WEIGHT OUT ALREADY! And just like that, DiBiase whips the Rooster into the corner and he goes flying out of the ring (elimination #23). It wasn’t meant to be guys. Hercules starts beating on Ted DiBiase now. Something tells me they have history. Monsoon is adamant about getting Virgil out of there for some reason. Let it go Monsoon. There is still a crap ton of guys in the ring who have no shot at winning this thing. Hercules is currently bear hugging Brutus Beefcake in the middle of the ring. That’s probably not the best Royal Rumble strategy. It doesn’t matter though because the Barbarian and Ted DiBiase come over and eliminate the both of them (eliminations #24 & 25). We are now down to five people. My money is on Rick Martel. Studd is STILL PUNCHING AKEEM! SERIOUSLY GUYS! WHAT THE HELL!!!! DiBiase has had enough though and finally ends that. Well, for five seconds anyway. In the meantime, Martel dropkicks the Barbarian out of the ring (elimination #26) and WE ARE DOWN TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!!
The Final Four:
Big John Studd
Who wants it?
My money is on Martel. The smart money is on Akeem though. This is his SECOND Final Four appearance in a row. That guy is BUILT for Rumbles man. DiBiase and Martel are squaring off while SURPRISE, Studd and Akeem are fighting in the corner still. Studd finally turns his attention to DiBiase, but that pisses Akeem off. Martel is now fighting with Akeem and he has Akeem on the brink of elimination. Not anymore! Akeem picks him up and throws him out (elimination #27). Well, shit. It’s now Studd vs. Ted DiBiase & Akeem. We saw this story last year folks. DiBiase and Akeem are double-teaming Studd and it looks like the old man is doneski. DiBiase is telling Akeem to throw him over. Akeem decides to hit him with a big splash instead. He goes for another big splash, but Studd pulls DiBiase in front of him! Studd then eliminates Akeem (elimination #28). This doesn’t look good for DiBiase. DiBiase is pleading with Studd, but Studd isn’t having it. He’s waving his finger and probably secretly hoping Akeem was back in the ring so he can punch his face some more. Studd picks DiBiase up by the neck and holds him up for everyone to see. He picks DiBiase up and slams him. He then gives DiBiase a double-arm suplex and that’s probably the most wrestling move you’ll ever see that guy do. He whips DiBiase into the ropes and clotheslines him. Just end it already man. And on that cue….he throws DiBiase out to win the Royal Rumble (elimination #29)!
Meh. Overall it was a decent watch, but the winner absolutely ruins it. Why not give the win to Ted DiBiase who was on fire as a heel at the time? I don’t understand the logic of giving the win to Big John Studd. It would basically be like the WWE giving Big Show the Royal Rumble victory this year. It’s crap.
Royal Rumble Review Score: **