“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: Begging Larry Fitzgerald to stay one more season and falsely promising him that Carson Palmer won’t be throwing him the ball next year.
Atlanta Falcons: Wondering if you can score 100 points in two weeks.
Baltimore Ravens: We should have punted more.
Buffalo Bills: Rex Ryan? He gone.
Carolina Panthers: Who stole Cam Newton?
Chicago Bears: Again, we get it. Cubs won.
Cincinnati Bengals: Maybe we should have lost so this could happen.
Cleveland Browns: THREE MORE!
Dallas Cowboys: Romo?
Denver Broncos: Why is Trevor Siemian throwing the ball 51 times?
Detroit Lions: Still thinking things are going a little too well not to turn bad in a hurry.
Green Bay Packers: Relax?
Houston Texans: Still making Super Bowl plans.
Indianapolis Colts: Welp.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Story of the season.
Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Berry for MVP.
Los Angeles Rams: We were promised 7-9 at worst.
Miami Dolphins: Matt Moore is our QB of the future.
Minnesota Vikings: Still waiting for Detroit to slip, but now worried about the Packers.
New England Patriots: Can Tom return punts?
New Orleans Saints: Wondering if it’s time to cut ties with the Brees/Payton partnership.
New York Giants: Worried that Eli can’t take you as far as you probably should go.
New York Jets: Excited for the new offensive talent you’ll add in the offseason.
Oakland Raiders: Willing to give your finger to Derek Carr.
Philadelphia Eagles: Hoping Smallwood gets bigger soon.
Pittsburgh Steelers: When you skip exams and still get an A in the class.
San Diego Chargers: Petitioning to cancel the rest of the season so no one else gets hurt.
San Francisco 49ers: Jeff Fisher?
Seattle Seahawks: Kidnapping Ciara so Russell Wilson can’t have sex anymore.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: shhhhhh.
Tennessee Titans: A little confused how you got here.
Washington Redskins: Ready to prove you’re worth $75 million.