“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.

Arizona Cardinals: Feeling a lot more confident.

Atlanta Falcons: Thanking God that the Panthers suck.

Baltimore Ravens: From worst to first.

Buffalo Bills: Praying that the Bengals don’t choose this week to smarten up.

Carolina Panthers: Like you had sex for 2 hours and neither of you got off.

Chicago Bears: Give us back our apology, Jay Cutler

Cincinnati Bengals: You know the drill.

Cleveland Browns: Secretly rooting for 0-16

Dallas Cowboys: No comment.

Denver Broncos: LOL NFC SOUTH.

Detroit Lions: Ready to prove you are the superior cat.

Green Bay Packers: Fire everyone. Trade everyone.

Houston Texans: Trying not to get too excited

Indianapolis Colts: Checking to see if the Colts improved the defense during the bye we….oh shit, Mike Pence is Vice President.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Just laughing. How can you not laugh?

Kansas City Chiefs: DAB THAT!

Los Angeles Rams: Right on track.

Miami Dolphins: Doing a double take because not even you can believe this team is 5-4.

Minnesota Vikings: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!

New England Patriots: Don’t even care

New Orleans Saints: Welp


New York Jets: If Bryce Petty is the answer, you’ve already failed the test.

Oakland Raiders: Really? Really, Carolina and New Orleans? Really?

Philadelphia Eagles: Petitioning to get traded to the NFC South.

Pittsburgh Steelers: From first to worst

San Diego Chargers: Things were better when you didn’t watch.

San Francisco 49ers: *checks schedule* It’s cool, you don’t play Cleveland. You won’t finish as the worst team in the league.

Seattle Seahawks: It’s not so easy scoring from the 1, is it?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Openly wondering if you could win this division.


Washington Redskins: Things are fun, but they were a lot more fun last year when the rest of the division sucked.