“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: You know what’s better than a week off after a five quarter game followed by a trip to the east coast? Playing the 49ers after that week off.
Atlanta Falcons: Cocky and confident.
Baltimore Ravens: Thank God the Steelers didn’t start Landry Jones.
Buffalo Bills: Blaming Rex Ryan leaving Game 7 of the World Series during the rain delay on every single thing that goes wrong from here on out.
Carolina Panthers: Still without hope.
Chicago Bears: Somehow talking yourself into winning the division despite being 2-6. If the Cubs can win a World Series, anything is possible, right?
Cincinnati Bengals: Excited to see Marvin Lewis fail in Primetime.
Cleveland Browns: You’re not still watching, are you?
Dallas Cowboys: Very happy that everyone keeps talking about a potential quarterback controversy and not the fact that the team is the best in the league.
Denver Broncos: Calling Papa John’s and asking for Peyton Manning.
Detroit Lions: Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Green Bay Packers: No longer relaxed. Not even close to relaxed. Extremely worried.
Houston Texans: Just praying that the Colts defense doesn’t figure it out.
Indianapolis Colts: Praying that your defense figures it out.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Still celebrating the ejection of Kelce because what the hell else are you gonna celebrate?
Kansas City Chiefs: Very worried that this year’s Panthers are last year’s Chiefs.
Los Angeles Rams: The same mediocre feeling you’ve had all season.
Miami Dolphins: WE’RE REALLY GOOD WHEN RYAN TANNEHILL DOESN’T DO A WHOLE LOT!
Minnesota Vikings: The fuck is going on here?
New England Patriots: Checking airline and hotel prices for Houston.
New Orleans Saints: Still thinking there’s a chance to win the division.
New York Giants: NOT LOSING A GAME THE REST OF THE SEASON!
New York Jets: Like the builders finally finished your multi-million dollar mansion. And then a tornado destroyed it.
Oakland Raiders: I don’t want to tell you that I was right about Derek Carr and the Oakland offense, but…..
Philadelphia Eagles: Carson came. Carson Wentz.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You were all geared up and ready to go on a long adventure. Then you went a couple of centimeters.
San Diego Chargers: Wondering if you can facilitate a trade to the NFC West.
San Francisco 49ers: Really hoping that Chip Kelly changes his mind about not wanting to leave.
Seattle Seahawks: Still feeding the Referee Donation Fund box
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Fuck Thursday night games.
Tennessee Titans: Wondering how the hell you’re 4-5.
Washington Redskins: Thinking it’s a bad time to be a racially insensitive named team.