My fellow Predator fans, these are dark days in Smashville. What was supposed to be a dream season has quickly become an utter nightmare. The Preds have won three of their first eleven games. They have lost their last two games in shootouts with the Coyotes & the Hurricanes, two perennial NHL doormats. Our former captain is thriving in Montreal while our current captain is incapable of taking the ice. Our starting goalie is ineffective and our backup doesn’t exist. Filip Forsberg hasn’t scored a goal since the 2015-16 playoffs. Our offense is nowhere to be found. Instead of being the best defensive pairing in the history of hockey, PK Subban and Roman Josi are just a couple of guys. We currently sit in last place in the Central Division. This is unacceptable.
Most nights the team looks listless. The best we looked all season was the night after half the team got food poisoning and we called up a bunch of minor leaguers that had guts and determination to make a difference. The Preds whooped the Pittsburgh Penguins that night, and tricked a lot of us into believing that things would turn around. They didn’t. As soon as the Preds got well, they got back to their malaise. The regulars don’t have the motivation or the desire and the coaching staff isn’t giving it to them.
These corrupt coaches don’t know any better. They stay in office forever and don’t do anything. Well, you need somebody, because coaches are all talk, no action. Nothing’s gonna get done. They will not bring us— believe me— to the promised land. They will not. I know more about hockey than the coaches do, believe me.
The Predators are in serious trouble. We don’t win anymore. We can’t beat other NHL teams…on the ice or in trade. We can’t do anything right. But I can change that. That’s why I, Steven J. Cook, am running for the office of head coach of the Nashville Predators!
Although my hockey experience is somewhat limited, I feel that is a benefit to me. A lot of these coaches have more experience than me, but most of that experience is bad. I have never been defeated in a hockey game, and I feel I can take that track record of success to the NHL and produce great results.
Now, I will take questions from the assembled media, who, by the way, are just the worst. I mean, just terrible people. They lie and lie and lie. Except..hey, is that Lyndsay Rowley out there? Lyndsay! Hey girl. Now that’s an attractive woman I’d like to grab by the…Anyway, go on and ask your questions, you parasites.
What would naming you coach do to improve the Predators?
Well it would do lots of fabulous things. Things that I had hoped would happen a couple of years ago when there was a coaching change. One thing I thought that would happen, and it hasn’t happened, unfortunately, I thought that Coach Laviolette would be a great cheerleader for the franchise. And it just hasn’t happened. I mean we can say it has. But it hasn’t happened. When you look at the Carolina problems and the Chicago problems and the Detroit problems. And you know there’s a lack of spirit. I actually think I’d be a great cheerleader – beyond other things, the other things that I’d do – I actually think I’d be a great cheerleader for the franchise. Because a lot of people feel it’s a hopeless situation. A lot of people in the cheap seats, they feel that way. And you have to start by giving them hope and giving them spirit and that has not taken place. Just has not taken place.
What coaches would you compare your in-game strategy to?
See, I don’t want to tell you my game strategy because I want to catch people by surprise. I will tell you that I’ll have the best game strategy you’ve ever seen. You’re going to love it, no doubt about it.
What would you do to improve the offense?
We gotta bomb the hell out of them is what we gotta do. I will rebuild our offense and make it so strong no one – and I mean no one – will mess with us.
How do you plan on addressing the issues on defense?
We will build a wall around our goal, and the NHL will pay for it. Trust me, they’re going to pay for it. It’s going to be the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. It’ll be as high as it needs to be. We’re going to make sure these pucks don’t sneak across the border, and I’m going to make sure no undocumented pucks get into this arena. Our strength heading into this season was supposed to be our defense, and it’s just been terrible. Absolutely terrible. I’m going to change it. Let’s face it, our trade deals have been disasters. I’m a great negotiator so I’ll get in there, tear up all the deals and get deals a lot better for us.
Who do you talk with consistently on hockey?
I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things. I know what I’m doing and I listen to a lot of people, I talk to a lot of people and at the appropriate time I’ll tell you who the people are. But my primary consultant is myself and I have a good instinct for this stuff.
Have you ever even played hockey before?
Does it really matter? What’s with this obsession you people in the media have wanting people to be qualified for things? I see people out here running for all kinds of high-level jobs that aren’t qualified to run for dogcatcher and y’all don’t complain about that. I’m going to make everything wonderful and great as Predators head coach. The details, well you don’t need to know the details.
Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt hockey establishment with a new government controlled by you, the Predators fans.
Sadly, the Predator dream is dead. But if named head coach, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever, and we will make Smashville great again.
Thank you very much.