“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.

Arizona Cardinals: Like you just went 15 rounds in a boxing match and where then forced to travel across the country, fight an opponent who had a full two month training camp, and fight him on his terms. So, not very good.

Atlanta Falcons: Why haven’t they printed our NFC South Champions shirts yet?

Baltimore Ravens: Checking for updates on Big Ben.

Buffalo Bills: Wondering why the NFL forces Rex Ryan teams to play the Patriots.

Carolina Panthers: WE WON! Oh shit, so did two other NFC South teams.

Chicago Bears: *shuts up*

Cincinnati Bengals: Just gonna keep posting this.

Cleveland Browns: INDIANS! CAVALIERS!

Dallas Cowboys: This isn’t a dream, right?

Denver Broncos: The opposite of Wade Phillips.

Detroit Lions: At least Cleveland has the Indians.

Green Bay Packers: Thank you, Bears.

Houston Texans: Undefeated at home and the Super Bowl is in Houston. Just saying.

Indianapolis Colts: Checking the rule book to see if there’s anything against blowing up an entire division and just making one team out of the division. And then figuring out if any Colts player not named Andrew Luck would be on that team.

Jacksonville Jaguars: I missed the game. What happened?

Kansas City Chiefs: Convinced that Andy Reid could turn anyone into a serviceable quarterback.

Los Angeles Rams: We’re 3-4. We have Jeff Fisher as our coach. Next week is a guaranteed win.

Miami Dolphins: We can bring dildos to games?

Minnesota Vikings: The hell is happening?

New England Patriots: Nice

New Orleans Saints: Like you won $100 dollars on scratch off tickets and now you’re gonna spend that $100 on more scratch off tickets.

New York Giants: Looking up the tiebreaker scenarios and are extremely worried that the Redskins tie is not beneficial.

New York Jets: You know you’re playing Cleveland when you’re down 20-7, you stick with Ryan Fitzpatrick, and you still win.


Philadelphia Eagles: Finally starting to admit that you were a little premature in your “UNDEFEATED FOREVER” talk.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Frantically checking on updates on Big Ben.

San Diego Chargers: Back to not watching.

San Francisco 49ers: Wondering why Chip Kelly is still the head coach.

Seattle Seahawks: Wondering why your wizardry didn’t work.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: When do we play the Panthers again?

Tennessee Titans: When did we play again?

Washington Redskins: The officiating may have sucked, but sometimes ties are good.