“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: You beat the game on easy (The Jets), now you’ll be upping the difficulty (The Seahawks).
Atlanta Falcons: Like that period after Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years when there are no good holidays until Easter.
Baltimore Ravens: After a lucky hot streak on the slots, you’ve now lost almost all of your money and are headed to the penny slots.
Buffalo Bills: Fuck the Toronto Blue Jays.
Carolina Panthers: *Splat* (that’s the sound you make when you jump off the ledge and hit the ground. Or so I would assume. I’ve never done it.)
Chicago Bears: LETS GO CUBS!
Cincinnati Bengals: That same empty feeling you have every year.
Cleveland Browns: LETS GO INDIANS!
Dallas Cowboys: You’re worried for two different reasons. Either you’ve seen Tony Romo play his final game as a Cowboy and you’re rolling with the rookie. Or Romo
Denver Broncos: Wait. What’s happening? The Chargers? Man. This is some good weed.
Detroit Lions: Who needs Calvin?
Green Bay Packers: This is the part where Aaron tells us to “RELAX” and we never lose again, right?
Houston Texans: Proud to be the tallest midget.
Indianapolis Colts: Maybe we can trade Andrew Luck to the Jets for their entire defense. I don’t know if that improves our defense, but it would at least make the Jets fun.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Smiling because the fans of the team you beat can’t say anything but, “WE LOST TO THE FUCKING JAGUARS?!?!”
Kansas City Chiefs: THE SHITCLOGGER!
Los Angeles Rams: LETS GO DODGERS!
Miami Dolphins: If the starting quarterback for every team we face gets injured, I think we can win every game.
Minnesota Vikings: We’ve had a week to prepare for a rookie quarterback? Thanks, NFL.
New England Patriots: Already clearing space in your closet for another AFC East Champions shirt.
New Orleans Saints: You can’t even feel good about that win against Carolina because, hell, everyone beats Carolina.
New York Giants: Making love to kicking nets because that’s how good you feel.
New York Jets: Slowly talking yourself into Geno Smith. Also talking yourself into eating Chipotle for the rest of your life.
Oakland Raiders: Can we just play every game on the road? Our fans suck.
Philadelphia Eagles: STILL UNDEFEATED! CARSON WENTZ WILL NEVER LOSE!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Talking yourself into Tony Romo as your starting quarterback.
San Diego Chargers: Dear NFL, can we play every game at home on Thursday night?
San Francisco 49ers: WHY DIDN’T KAEPERNICK START EARLIER?!?!
Seattle Seahawks: Bragging while drinking your coffee.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Enjoying your week off after your extremely productive week prior.
Tennessee Titans: We’re bad. But we’re not Browns bad.
Washington Redskins: WE RUN THE EAST!