“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: You and Panthers fans are having a nice little bonfire this week.
Atlanta Falcons: You’ve seen this story before, but if you defeat Carolina at home, this one might have a happier ending.
Baltimore Ravens: If you ain’t first, you may as well be third because you get a really easy schedule if you’re third.
Buffalo Bills: WHO CAN WE FIRE THIS WEEK?!?!?!
Carolina Panthers: Like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s day because that Vikings game looked pretty similar to the Super Bowl and week one.
Chicago Bears: Like it’s 3rd-and-13 and you know a draw play is coming. And then they run the draw play. And you just sit there and watch them run the draw play, knowing it was probably the best thing they could do, and you can’t really blame them.
Cincinnati Bengals: Steve Cook says it all.
Cleveland Browns: The hottest stripper at the club had sex with you and made you feel really good. Then you realize you spent over $5,000 at the strip club, she faked that orgasm and gave you AIDs.
Dallas Cowboys: You’re scouting the Browns to see who you can trade Tony Romo for.
Denver Broncos: When do we play the Patriots in the AFC Title game?
Detroit Lions: Sad that your big brother beat you up, again, but really happy that your little cousin is coming over to visit and you get to torture him for three hours.
Green Bay Packers: Still relaxed, but extremely worried about that defense.
Houston Texans: So you’re saying we could’ve had Trevor Siemian at a fraction of the cost?
Indianapolis Colts: Have you seen our division? Our defense might be trash, but we have Andrew Luck. One down, five to go.
Jacksonville Jaguars: You’ve got a leaky pipe, and you know that the easiest solution would be just to get the pipe fixed, but you’re not sure if that’s going to fix all the structural damage the leaky pipe has already done to the house.
Kansas City Chiefs: Giving a whole new meaning to “pick six.”
Los Angeles Rams: The rest of ya’ll ain’t making USC jokes now, are you?
Miami Dolphins: You have to travel to Ohio to play the non-Browns team and have to do it on Thursday night. Life sucks.
Minnesota Vikings: Who cares if she’s not all that attractive, she has a great personality.
New England Patriots: Petitioning Roger Goodell to suspend Brady for the rest of the regular to ensure he doesn’t get hurt, knowing you’re still winning the division and getting a first-round bye.
New Orleans Saints: You’re looking at the list of available defensive free agents and saying, “this guy can’t be that bad” about every single one of them.
New York Giants: How Beckham felt when he tried fighting the kicking net.
New York Jets: The car that you still overpaid for, but got fixed, has just been totaled.
Oakland Raiders: When you think a band-aid (The Titans Offense) is an effective solution for an ax wound (your defense).
Philadelphia Eagles: CROWN US!
Pittsburgh Steelers: It’s ok, hockey season starts soon.
San Diego Chargers: RIVERS IS STILL HEALTHY!
San Francisco 49ers: It’s almost basketball season.
Seattle Seahawks: After months of searching for it, you finally found your N64 in your parent’s attic.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Sad. Very sad. You gave up 37 points to the Rams. How can you not be sad?
Tennessee Titans: I hear Mark Helfrich might be available soon.
Washington Redskins: Like Beckham when he was being carried by Norman before being gently placed down.