“Let me tell you how you’re feeling.” Those are the infamous words of Tito Ortiz as he tried his hand at post-fight interviews during the days of Affliction. It’s also the name of this column, which doubles as a weekly NFL recap and look ahead. This is how fans should be about their team following the week and heading into next week. So, let me tell you how you’re feeling.
Arizona Cardinals: Like a young Carson Palmer. You shutdown a Buccaneers team that played pretty well on the road last week and you get to travel to Buffalo to play a pretty bad Bills team this week. Enjoy it before you blow out your knee.
Atlanta Falcons: Cautiously optimistic. You went to Oakland and beat a solid Raiders team, The offense continues to look good, and you get a bad Saints team this week. However, the defense is still bad and it’d be totally like you to lose to the Saints.
Baltimore Ravens: You completely forgot that you have a big test worth 1/16th of your final grade tomorrow so you spend all night studying. You’re dead tired while taking the test, but you make it through and end up getting a passing grade.
Buffalo Bills: You order a steak to be cooked rare with a side of fries. The waiter brings you a steak cooked well done with a side salad. The order was put in correctly, but the chef decided to overcook it and give you a salad. You yell at the waiter, leave him no tip, and he is fired the next day.
Carolina Panthers: Puzzled. You barely lost to a really good Denver Broncos team and then nearly choked away a game against the lowly 49ers. Now, you get one of the top defenses in the league, but a team led by Sam Bradford and a bad offensive line. You’re just not sure what to think. Almost like you’ve been freely hit in the head too many times.
Chicago Bears: That Jay Cutler feeling is never going away.
Cincinnati Bengals: Expectedly angry. The refs once again screwed you over against the Steelers and now you have to face a Broncos team that is getting away with a lot of head shots. But, you’re a Bengals fan, so you expect it.
Cleveland Browns: Like Robert Griffin III. You just wish you could sit out the rest of this season. I guess you could also be feeling like Josh McCown as well.
Dallas Cowboys: You still miss Tony Romo, but you’re coming around on this Dak Prescott guy until you remember that his first name is Dak.
Denver Broncos: You’ve been living with your parents for the first 20 years of your life, but you’re about to turn 21 and they are kicking you out. Now you have to go out on your own without the comfort that you’re used to.
Detroit Lions: You’re sending letters to Calvin Johnson that simply say, “it’s not your fault.”
Green Bay Packers: You’re smoking weed. Trying to relax.
Houston Texans: BROCK AND ROLL!
Indianapolis Colts: Scared. You’re wasting valuable years with Andrew Luck. You were in the AFC title game two years ago. And now your team is an absolute mess that I’m not sure can be fixed this season.
Jacksonville Jaguars: You were really excited to go to the prom. You had a hot date, you rented a limo, you packed condoms. Then you got there and they dumped blood on you.
Kansas City Chiefs: You miss Brian Hoyer.
Los Angeles Rams: The cute girl that you thought you were going out with may have stood you up, but another cute girl comes up to you at the restaurant and you end up having a nice, boring, dinner with her.
Miami Dolphins: You’re that boxer that loses first seven rounds of a twelve round fight. You end up winning the last five rounds as your opponent just cruises through them, knowing he’s up big. It’s still not enough to win the fight.
Minnesota Vikings: THAT’S WHY YOU TRADE A FIRST ROUND PICK FOR SAM BRADFORD! It helps to have one of the best defenses in the league.
New England Patriots: You’re still a Patriots fan. You’re still only concerned about the playoffs. But you’re also wondering if there will be open tryouts to be the next Patriots quarterback.
New Orleans Saints: You’re wondering if you can pay the defense to take out opposing offensive players. Then you’re wondering whether or not they could actually do it because they’re not very good.
New York Giants: Keep the brakes pumped. The offense didn’t look good against a terrible Saints defense, but the defense looked good against a strong Saints offense. If you beat the Redskins this week, you’re free to go the speed limit.
New York Jets: Insurance is paying for the damage done to your car. You’re no longer worried about the exterior (the offense) as long as the insurance (Fitzpatrick) covers things (plays wells). But you’re suddenly considered about the exterior (the defense) going to hell.
Oakland Raiders: I think the featured image of the two Raiders fans fighting says it best. Or, maybe Bruce Irvin said it best when he said you’re not on the same page.
Philadelphia Eagles: PUT CARSON WENTZ IN THE HALL OF FAME!
Pittsburgh Steelers: You wish you could play the Bengals every week because.
San Diego Chargers: You’re still wondering why you’re watching football. You beat the Jaguars, but lost your best running back to injury. You have a feeling that Philip Rivers is next.
San Francisco 49ers: According to the only 49ers fan I know, you’re excited that the team was competitive after the dumpster fire season last year. So, I guess that’s good.
Seattle Seahawks: No, really, Ciara is to blame for all of this.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Disappointed. You knew that it wouldn’t be easy going to Arizona, but you hoped that the game would be competitive.
Tennessee Titans: You’re buying so many lottery tickets.
Washington Redskins: You’ve already grabbed your baseball bat in preparation for Norman vs. Beckham 2.