You probably don’t pay a ton of attention mascots unless you’re under the age of 10. You see them, you think they’re kind of annoying, and then you turn your attention back to the actual game. But what if your mascot had to win the game for you in a fight to the death? I’m not talking about that terrible Mascot Mode on Madden that nobody played. I’m talking about an over the top Michael Bay type fight.

Mascots are ranked based on how I think they’d do in a fight, names, looks, and anything else I decided to rank them on but am not disclosing in this sentence.

The Teams Without Mascots

32. Redskins

31. Jets

30. Raiders

29. Giants

28. Packers

You can’t win this competition if you don’t have a mascot and the five teams above have no mascot because they hate children. In the interest of fairness, I did give each team a mascot in order to properly rank them. The Redskins had a real life Native American, but he was forced out of his job by Dan Snyder and replaced with a Puerto Rican. The Puerto Rican immediately quit, leaving the Redskins with no mascot. The Jets had Fireman Ed and he didn’t make it past the E before getting slaughtered by the Raiders mascots, a group of Mad Max extras that didn’t make the movie. Eli Manning’s dopey face represented the Giants, but Odell Beckham Jr. did the fighting for him. If the Giants actually had a 12 foot tall mascot, they would’ve been a heavy favorite. The Packers were represented by a block of cheese, which became a force once it went bad in the heat and started to smell.

The Mascots That Look Like Dopes

27. Blue (Colts)

26. Rowdy (Cowboys)

25. Jaxson De Ville (Jaguars)

24. KC Wolf (Chiefs)

23. Freddie Falcon (Falcons)

I don’t even know what the Colts mascot is. I guess it’s supposed to be a horse, but he looks Cuba Gooding Jr. in Radio, and he’s named after a color. Blue isn’t even an intimidating color. It usually represents people who are sad. This guy stands no chance. Rowdy wears a big smile for some unknown reason, and he’s a cowboy without a gun. You ever tried playing Red Dead Redemption without a gun? The game isn’t very fun, and you die a lot. I also imagine that it’d be pretty tough to fight in cowboy boots unless your name is Shawn Michaels.

KC Wolf, a wolf that looks like an overgrown rat and would’ve definitely been beaten up by Red Riding Hood’s grandma, beats out Jaxson De Ville because Jaxson is wearing sunglasses and that’s a huge disadvantage.

Freddie Falcon watches all of this action with his giant bug eyes, surprised at what he’s seeing before getting demolished by the next group.

Weak Dogs and Birds

22. Gumbo (Saints)

21. Big Red (Cardinals)

20. Chomps (Browns)

19. Poe (Ravens)

The Saints have a dog named after shrimp for reasons that I can’t imagine. Probably the same reasons the Cardinals have a bird named after a chewing gum. Shrimp and gum make for good food and a post-food breath freshener, which is exactly what Chomps and Poe use them as. Chomps sounds scary, but he wears a big smile, and I can’t tell if he has on a helmet or got a terrible haircut. Poe would be much higher on this list, but he’s named after an alcoholic poet, and I have a feeling he’d be too drunk to really do anything.

Inferior Species 

18. T Rac (Titans)

17. TD (Dolphins)

16. Miles (Broncos)

15. Billy Buffalo (Bills)

T Rac is a sneaky raccoon, but he’s still a raccoon and he makes me think of The Repo Man, one of WWE’s most notorious jobbers. TD and Miles don’t stand a chance because humans use them for their own personal amusement all the time. Billy Buffalo puts up a good fight, but he’s eight feet tall and Buffalo’s aren’t all that fast to begin win. Plus, his name is Billy, which is a weak ass name. People named Billy are often mistaken for people named Bob and they absolutely suck. Also, Buffalo wings are consumed every single Sunday and they’ve even named sports bars after them. So they can’t be that tough if they keep getting turned into food and restaurants.


14. Pat Patriot (Patriots)

13. Viktor (Vikings)

12. Sourdough Sam (49ers)

11. Captain Fear (Buccaneers)

10. Stealy McBeam (Steelers)

Pat Patriot is just a young Uncle Sam on HGH. Viktor would rank higher if he didn’t look so happy and if his battle axe was actual axe, not a football attached to a stick. Who is the genius that thought of that one? Sourdough Sam may or may not have a pick axe, but even if he doesn’t, he’s wearing two coal miner gloves and wrestling has taught me that those things are always loaded and can knock you out with one punch. Captain Fear has a sword, but what’s he afraid of? That’s a huge question in a fight. Stealy McBeam is by far the best human mascot. He looks tough and carries around a giant steel beam like an iron Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He would get tired of swinging that thing after awhile though.

Bird Triple Threat

9. Swoop (Eagles)

8. Biltz and Boom (Seahawks)

Swoop looks fierce, but Blitz and Boom look equally as fierce, and there are two of them. However, I think Swoop can take out at least one of them because nobody introduces a second mascot if their first mascot is getting the job done. Worse yet, that second mascot is wearing a backwards hat like he doesn’t know how to properly dress. Why the hell is a bird wearing a hat anyway? Doesn’t he know that it would come off when he’s in the air flying? I think Blitz and Boom are weak individually and would be dominated in a one-on-one battle, but together they’re able to take out Swoop. Then in, a swerve, the one Seahawk that is less wounded finishes off his partner.

Lions, Tigers, Bears (and Panthers)

7. Who Dey (Bengals)

6. Roary (Lions)

5. Staley Da Bear (Bears)

4. Sir Purr (Panthers)

Who Dey is a stupid name for a Bengal, but he’s still a Tiger. My problem with him is that he has a ton of white hair around his face, which makes me think he’s old. I don’t trust an old tiger. Roary looks tough and has sharp teeth, but I question his decision making with his Reggie Watts haircut. Not that it’s bad, but obviously someone styled that hair and what kind of self-respecting lion lets a professional stylist touch their hair? Staley Da Bear is mean looking, I just think bears are dumb based on Yogi being smarter than the average population of bears. Sir Purr has been knighted. That means he’s been through some shit and has lived to tell about it.

Battle of the Beasts

3. Rampage (Rams)

2. Toro (Texans)

These two would just run head on into each other until one of the collapses. Toro gets the slight advantage because he has horns and I once saw a ram lose a headbutting contest to Busta Rhymes.

The One

1. Boltman (Chargers)

Without question, the alpha NFL mascot. This dude is a superhuman. He can shoot electricity out of his hands and looks like Jim Carrey from The Mask, which means he has other superhuman powers. Boltman’s only weaknesses appear to be city council and fake Boltman. Even his backstory is mysterious as some aren’t sure whether he’s a mascot or just a fan with no life. We’re going mascot. Because one should never mess with the Boltman.