Welcome everyone to the first, maybe annual, USBs! It’s the official award show of The Ultimate Sports Blog! I am your host Jeremy Lambert and this idea isn’t exactly original, but it sounded really good to me when I was under the influence the other night and now I immediately regret coming up with it because I actually have to come up with awards. Categories are completely random and there are no nominees, just winners. To be eligible for an award, the event or moment or play or action or whatever must have occurred between July 12, 2015 and July 11, 2016.
No award show would be complete without a monologue full of bad jokes. So get your marshmallows ready because I’m about to start roasting.
Kevin Durant was at the store shopping for a new oven. He went with the Easy Bake.
No one puts the Crying Jordan on Cam Newton. It would be redundant.
Alex Ovechkin walks into a bar. He’s not allowed to order more than two rounds.
Draymond Green walks into a bar, asks for a shot, and then kicks the bartender in the nuts.
Bryce Harper wants to make baseball fun again. Bryce Harper is a PED advocate.
John Cena is hosting the ESPYs. They must’ve paid him a lot of money to put something over.
Italy/France penalty kicks proved that soccer players are the most graceful athletes.
NOW LET’S HAND OUT SOME AWARDS!
Our first award is The Hulk Hogan Award. This goes to the player or team who was once extremely well liked and is now very hated because they did something dastardly. And the award goes to…KEVIN DURANT AND THE WARRIORS!
One year ago, we loved Durant and the Warriors. Durant was a humble star trying to lead a small market to big glory and the Warriors were a fast-paced and fun team that everyone loved watching. The June 2016 happened. The Warriors turned into a bunch of nut kicking, mouthpiece throwing, wife on twitter complaining, bitches and Durant left Oklahoma City to join the Warriors and claimed that it would be the toughest road to a title. They also ruined the 2015-2016 NBA season.
Durant and the Warriors are not here to accept the award, but they would like to thank each other and no one else.
Our next award is courtesy of Samer Kadi and it is The Scott Brooks Award for questionable lineup choices and tactics. And the winner is…DIDIER DESCHAMPS!!!!!
I don’t know anything about Didier Deschamps or his lineup choices, but I know that Scott Brooks cost Oklahoma City the title in 2012 by continuing to start Kendrick Perkins. He also made a hundred other mistakes as a coach and now he’s back in the league to ruin Washington.
Didier made the tactical decision not to be here.
Next up, The Urijah Faber Award, given to the player or team who takes the easiest path to the title. And the winner is…KEVIN DURANT AND THE WARRIORS!
These two combined forces in the offseason to ensure an immediate title rematch against the Cavaliers, only needing to beat a few scrub teams along the way. Once again, Durant and the Warriors would like to thank each other.
The James Harden Award is up next. This award is given to the most bitchmade team or player. And, it should come as no surprise that the winner is…KEVIN DURANT AND THE WARRIORS!
Wow, Kevin Durant and the Golden State Warriors have won three of the first four awards. I wonder if they can win just one more.
Before we hand out more awards, I’d like to introduce our first musical act of the night. Give it up for GINUWINE!
Next up, we have The John Cena Award, given to the player or team who turned face and then immediately dominated. And the winner is…LEBRON JAMES!!!
LeBron managed to turn face during Game Four of the NBA Finals after Draymond Green delivered another nut shut. Then LeBron (with the help of Kyrie Irving) took the Warriors soul with three straight dominating performances. To cap it all off, he wore an Ultimate Warriors t-shirt just to troll the Warriors. Love him or hate him, LeBron is the AllTimeGOAT.
The next award is The Kobe Bryant Award, given to the athlete who was part of a criminal scandal that got brushed aside, allowing that player to embark on a remarkable season. And the award goes to…PATRICK KANE!
Prior to the 2014-2015 season, Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks was accused of rape. An investigation took place and no evidence was found against Kane, but it was a black eye for the player and the sport. The accusation and report didn’t prevent Kane from lacing up his skates as he went on to lead the league in points and win the regular season MVP award.
Patrick could not be here and has declined to comment on this matter.
The next award is The Vince Carter Award, given to the athlete who is half man, half amazing and has entertained us all with a particular accomplishment on the field, court, or ice. And the winner is…BARTOLO COLON!
Colon wins this award based on his home run earlier this year. The 42-year-old, near 300-pound Mets pitcher blasted a 365-foot home run off of the Padres James Shields, becoming the oldest player in league history to hit his first career home run. It took him nearly 30 seconds to round all four bases and who could blame him for taking his sweet time?
We’d invite Bartolo up to accept this award, but we only have two hours.
Next up is an award sent in by Steve Cook called The Angry Letter Award. This award is given to the person who executed the best dab, a dance move so appalling that it prompted angry parents to write letters and get it banned like Footloose or something. And the winner is…FRANK BEAMER!
Steve Cook keeps the ball rolling with the next award, The Marvin Lewis Award for the best coach to never win a playoff games. And the winner is…MARVIN LEWIS!
Marvin is 0-7 in the playoffs and I’m just going to repost what Steve Cook, a lifelong Bengals fan, wrote about Lewis following the Bengals most recent playoff collapse. “GOP 2016 Presidential Nominee front-runner Donald Trump complained on Sunday about how the NFL has grown soft. He said the referees make too many unnecessary penalty calls. Players aren’t allowed to hit each other in head-to-head collisions, so now the game is boring, according to Trump. Hopefully he was watching Steelers vs. Bengals on Saturday night. It was a throwback to the old NFL, where head to head shots, vicious tackles, and coaches getting involved by pulling players’ hair and jumping in the other teams’ huddle to talk trash were par for the course.
OK, the last one wasn’t exactly a common thing. But the Steelers’ coaching staff has made a habit of acting like heel wrestling managers. Remember when Mike Tomlin tried to trip Jacoby Jones? He said he was sorry about his actions, but their actions since then seem to tell a different story. You got Mike Munchak pulling Reggie Nelson’s dreadlocks on the sidelines. You got Joey Porter out on the field yapping at Bengals when he shouldn’t be out there. There’s a rule about that sort of thing. But while the Steeler coaches were acting like heel wrestling managers, the referees were acting like wrestling referees. They didn’t see anything at all until that key point in the match where they’re supposed to see it & turn the tide of the match towards the person that’s going over.
Of course, the Bengals played the role of the dopey babyface that makes the classic comeback, tries to fight fire with fire and ends up paying for it in the end. As a great man once said: “Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.” In this instance, good was dumb by trusting people like Vontaze Burfict & Pacman Jones to not let their emotions get the best of them.
It’s not that I didn’t expect the Bengals to lose, because anybody who reads me knows, that’s exactly what I expected. It wasn’t even the fact it was a close game lost on the final possession. Had Ben Roethlisberger led the Steelers down the field into field goal range after a few miraculous catches or runs, I would have shrugged it off as business as usual in the National Football League. Disappointing, but bound to happen given the Bengals’ less than illustrious history, Marvin Lewis’ inability to win playoff games & Roethlisberger being shot up on so many painkillers that he could go out there with one arm & be fine. It seems like one injured quarterback a year is good for a miraculous comeback in the playoffs.
Unfortunately, the Steelers won because the Bengals handed the game to them. The Steelers are dirty as sin, but their chaos is a controlled chaos. Marvin Lewis has never had control of his teams in the thirteen years he’s coached the Bengals. Mike Brown is the type of guy that loves to give young men second chances, so he’ll bring in risky characters. Every NFL locker room has risky characters. The difference is that some teams can control them and some can’t. Marvin Lewis and his coaching staff are not capable of controlling the unsavory elements of their locker room. That is why Marvin Lewis’s teams will never live up to expectations and will never win playoff games.
I was very critical of Lewis after the game & called for his firing on Twitter & at offtheteam.com. I know he won’t be fired. But it needed to be said nonetheless. People have come at me from both sides of the issue…the Lewis defenders say that 12 wins is pretty good, going to the playoffs is pretty good. True. But at some point a team needs to take the next step. Marvin’s had thirteen years. Seven playoff games. He hasn’t won one of them. He’s 2-13 against the Steelers in the city of Cincinnati. He’s had plenty of chances. He hasn’t gotten the job done. He never will. I’d love to be wrong, but I doubt I am.”
This is why we had no time for Bartolo Colon. CONGRATS, MARVIN!
Before we get to our last award, let’s welcome our final musical performance of the night…SISQO!!!!
Our next award is The Sam Hinkie Award, given to the team that trusted the process. And the winner is…THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS!
The Royals sucked for a long time. From 1994 to 2012, they had one season with a winning record. In 2013, they finally had a winning record, but missed the playoffs. In 2014, they made the World Series. In 2015, they won the World Series. It was a lot of pain and suffering for the Royals and their fans, but they ended up with a World Series trophy and that’s special and can’t be taken away from them
The Royals aren’t here to accept this award because I don’t follow baseball until the playoffs and don’t know who is on the team.
Our final award is The Shawn Michaels Award, given to the team or player that caused the most heartbreak to a USB writer. There was no shortage of nominees for this award. The Oregon Ducks blew a 31-point lead in their bowl game. The Bengals did Bengals things. The Thunder blew a 3-1 series lead. The Louisville Cardinals banned themselves from the NCAA Tournament. Some soccer stuff happened. The Reds and Avalanche stink. Man, sports are dumb. Anyway, the winner of this award is, of course…The Carolina Panthers.
They went 15-1, but lost in the Super Bowl because of course they did. I was inconsolable after this game. It didn’t help that I had been drinking. It was devastating. I’m not sure that I’ve fully recovered and I’m not sure I will recover unless the Panthers win the Super Bowl this year, which probably isn’t happening. I should probably give up on any of my teams ever winning a major championship. This loss not only affected me, but it affected Dustin James as well. As a Chiefs fan, he hates the Denver Broncos and Peyton Manning. The Broncos winning ruined two lives here at the USB. Thanks, Panthers.
Cam Newton is here to accept this award because he won, which means he’ll do an interview.
That’s our show everyone. Thank you for tuning in and I hope sports are just depressing for you as they are for me.